Deck the halls, it's time for the Armageddon fallout, Smackdown style. It's the
final Smackdown before Christmas, so there has to be a few cheesy puns and a
little bit of season's beatings, right? Or maybe Edge will come out dressed up
like the Grinch and steal Christmas? Let's find out.
Tonight on Friday Night Smackdown: Batista invokes his rematch clause and
battles Edge for the World Heavyweight title. Also, JBL says farewell to the
Smackdown fans as he prepares to head to Raw to work with Chris Jericho.
This week the show emanates from Rochester, New York.
Smackdown begins with Teddy Long wheeling Vickie Guerrero to the ring. Vickie
has the World Heavyweight in her lap. Cut to a recap of the World Heavyweight
title match at Armageddon this past Sunday. It highlights Edge, of course, and
we get to relive the Edge clones angle.
Back in the ring, Teddy Long grudgingly introduces Vickie Guerrero as the
General Manager of Smackdown. Vickie immediately introduces the new champion,
Edge. Teddy Longface presents Edge with the title. The crowd is very hot; Edge
is without question the most over heel in the WWE. Edge says he has so many
people to thank that he doesn't know where to begin. He starts with Teddy Long,
praising him with mock gratitude and saying that he's fitting into his new job
well. Teddy keeps his long face on and glares at Edge. Edge thanks his fans, to
a chorus of boos. But he'd like to thank two specific "Edgeheads." Out come the
Major Brothers, still dressed like Edge. Edge puts them over, and then says they
aren't really the Major Brothers. He asks them to tell the world who they really
are. One of them says his name is Kurt Hawkins. The other says he's Zack Ryder.
Edge says there's one person that he really needs to thank more than anyone
else. You guessed it -- Vickie Guerrero. A cheesy video set to what sounds like
an '80s love song plays, which consists of Edge working out, with Vickie Guerrero
watching on. Then it shows Edge and Vickie strolling through a park, having a
picnic, playing on the swings, etc. Edge can really do it all. This video will
have you laughing and hating him at the same time. Back to the live promo, Edge
says there is one more person he'd like to thank -- his opponent tonight,
Batista. He says Batista did a wonderful job of filling in as champion while
Edge was gone, but that he doesn't have to worry about carrying the show any
more because Edge is back now. He promises that the last image you will see
tonight is this -- he holds up the title to a smattering of boos.
Commercial Break.
Match #1: The Great Khali & Ranjin Singh vs Finlay & Hornswoggle
Ranjin Singh is dressed like Khali. A clip is shown from Armageddon, with
Hornswoggle low blowing Khali with the shelaleigh and Finlay scoring the
victory. The match starts with Khali dominating Finlay. Ranjin gives Khali a
high five. The referee calls it a tag. Ranjin is forced to get in the ring with
Finlay. As they protest, Hornswoggle sneaks around behind Ranjin and pulls his
pants down on the apron, exposing Ranjin's boxers. Finlay chases Ranjin around
the ring, only to be cut off by Hornswoggle, who throws confetti on Ranjin.
Horny then covers himself up with an umbrella, much to the confusion of Ranjin.
He turns around and Finlay dumps a bucket of water on him. Now Ranjin
understands the umbrella. You get the point. Hornswoggle hits the Tadpole Splash
and pins Ranjin for the win as Khali looks on from the outside.
Commercial Break.
Back from the break, Ric Flair's music hits. Out comes the Nature Boy, woooo!
Flair goes to the ring and cuts basically the same promo that he cut on Raw. He
puts Triple H over as the best wrestler alive today. He says if he loses to
Triple H and it's his last match ever, he'd be honored to have his last match
with The Game. He wants Triple H to give him the best he's got and not go easy
on him. Exit Flair.
Commercial Break.
Match #2: CM Punk & Rey Mysterio Jr. & Kane vs MVP & Mark Henry & Big Daddy
V
A decent six man tag match. Mark Henry and Big Daddy V look indestructible. The
two take turns beating up on Punk, until finally MVP tags in to take advantage
of the weakened ECW Champion. Punk battles back to make the hot tag to Kane, who
cleans house. Kane tags out to Mysterio, who goes for the 619 on MVP. Mark Henry
tags in before Mysterio can hit it, and Rey Rey gets his head kicked off by the
World's Strongest Man. Punk bails him out. Mysterio hits the 619 on Henry, Kane
chokeslams Henry on the rebound, Mysterio hit's a springboard frog splash, for
the uno, dos, tres.
Another Armageddon recap airs, once again highlighting Edge's title win to hype
tonight's Edge vs Batista main event title match.
Commercial Break.
Back from commercials, JBL puts his farewell address over as Michael Cole preps
us for Michelle McCool's date with Jamie Noble. Video footage of the date airs.
They're in a restaurant. Noble tells her to order anything she wants. She orders
an expensive Cabernet wine. Noble is blown away by the price, but in an effort
to impress her, he tells the waiter to give the lady what she wants. Noble orders
a full bottle of merlot. Noble compliments Michelle's dress (which he picked
out) and says that his granny helped him pick it out -- and she'd like to meet
Michelle, so Noble invites her to Christmas dinner but doesn't give her time to
answer. Instead he asks what her policy is on kissing on the first date.
Michelle almost spits out her wine but the waiter interrupts and asks for their
order. Michelle starts to tell the waiter what she wants, but Noble cuts her off
and says he'll handle it. He orders French onion soup, French fries, French dip,
and a French vanilla shake. The waiter says none of that is on the menu. Noble
is upset that the waiter won't give him what he wants. He asks what kind
of French restaurant doesn't have French food, and then accuses the waiter of
trying to ruin his date. Michelle tries to calm him down but Noble gets in the
waiter's face. He says the waiter would be speaking German right now if it
wasn't for the Americans bailing his ass out of Desert Storm. He says the
French try to take credit for everything, saying the waiter thinks the French
gave them the Statue of Liberty when really it was the Romans who gave it to
them. Um, poor Jamie has his facts wrong. Michelle looks embarrassed. The waiter
then explains that this is an Italian restaurant, not a French one. Oops. Now
Noble is embarrassed. He says he beat Chuck Palumbo three times and he's Italian.
Michelle explains to the waiter that that's why she's here. But if you thought
it was over... well, you would be wrong. Noble got her a Christmas present and
makes her open it. It's Old Spice cologne. Apparently he wears it, so when
Michelle starts to miss him, she can smell it and it will remind her of him. She
doesn't seem all that impressed. That's okay, he's going to redeem himself with a
magic trick. Oh yes, that's right. He's going to pull the table cloth off the
table without disturbing anything on the table. Can you kind of sense the
disaster coming? Needless to say, most of the food and wine ends up all over
Michelle, ruining the very dress than Jamie Noble and his granny picked out for
her in some cruel twist of irony. Noble asks for the cheque, and the video ends.
Poor guy.
Back to live action.
Match #3: Santa Match - Deuce vs Festus
Now you're probably asking yourself, "what, pray tell, is a Santa match?" Well,
it is my unfortunate duty to tell you that a Santa match is a match in which
both competitors are dressed up like Santa. They are introduced as "Santa Deuce"
and "Santa Festus." Sorry, folks, but I did warn you that there would be cheesy
Christmas related happenings on this show. Doesn't Festus kind of remind you of
the guy from Tenacious D? JBL says Deuce looks like he's going to some kind of
Santa bondage convention. Hohoho. Oops, look, now I did it. Really boring match.
Not even the hot crowd could get into this one. JBL does his best to salvage the
match on commentary, and he gets a few zingers in. Predictably, Domino and Jesse
get involved in the finish, and Festus hits his finisher on the bag of toys for
the three count.
Up next, JBL is going to make his farewell speech. Michael Cole says that for
the final time, JBL will be signing off on Smackdown. JBL says he's not Cole's
partner or colleague, and he's about to announce the biggest comeback since the
Resurrection. But not before another commercial break.
Commercial Break.
And we're back. The ring is set up with red, white, and blue balloons, the ropes
are decorated, and there is a JBL podium in the ring. Typical JBL speech. He
compares himself to sports greats like Ali and Jordan. Blah blah blah. Excellent
promo, but nothing we haven't heard a million times before. A clip of the
Y2J/JBL incident from Armageddon plays. JBL says all Y2J had to do was apologize
after Armageddon, but instead called JBL out. He trashes Y2J and says he
couldn't make it in reality television. He says he's not coming to Raw to be a
part of the roster, he's not coming to Raw to be a team player or for a swan
song, he's coming to Raw to headline pay-per-views and win championships. He
says five years from now people will be asking Y2J what the hell he was thinking
when he unleashed JBL upon us. He's a wrestling God, you know. In case you
hadn't heard.
Up next is the main event.
Commercial Break.
When we come back, Tazz has joined Michael Cole at ringside for commentary. I
guess he's JBL's temporary (please?) replacement.
Match #4: World Heavyweight Title Match - Edge (champion) vs
Batista
Batista comes out first, looking jacked up and ready to kick somebody's ass.
Enter Edge. But wait, he's not alone. He's accompanied by the Major Brothers.
Still dressed like him, I might add. Teddy Long wheels Vickie Guerrero behind
them. I get the feeling the main event is about to change. Oh look at that, I
was right. Vickie Guerrero announces that instead of Edge vs Batista, it's going
to be a 3 on 1 handicap match for the title. And so it begins.
Match #4 (really this time): World Heavyweight Title Handicap Match -
Edge (champion) & Kurt Hawkins & Zack Ryder vs Batista
Kurt Hawkins and Zack Ryder (formerly the Major Brothers) are now being referred
to as "The Edgeheads." Pretty much what you would expect. Batista gets
outnumbered, but battles back and pins Zack Ryder to win the title! New
champion! Wait, I lied again. Vickie gets on the mic and says in order to win
the title, Batista has to pin Edge. The match restarts. All three men brutally
attack Batista, double DDTing him on a steel chair, and then giving him a
con-chair-to. As promised, the last image we see after the match is Edge holding
up the title. Gotta love it when it all comes together, eh? Edge, the Edgeheads,
Vickie, and Teddy walk up the aisle and Edge takes the mic. "By the way... Merry
Christmas," says Edge, playing the Grinch. Batista lays motionless in the ring
as Edge holds up the belt and Smackdown goes off the air.
Overall, a pretty good show. Edge plays a heel to perfection, and it's good to
see him heading up a new faction.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.
Mark Xamin is a writer for SLAM! Wrestling, and he wishes you all a safe and
happy holiday season. All the best in 2008!
