Smackdown: Armageddon comes early for The Undertaker
ANDY McNAMARA - SLAM! Wrestling
Armageddon is only 48 hours away, and tonight’s program furthers every feud on the pay-per-view. Friday Night Smackdown has a massive seven matches booked including a Last Man Standing contest and a handicap bout where the odds are severely stacked against The Undertaker. From Boston, Massachusetts here comes the report.
Edge opens up the show by bringing out the recuperating Vickie Guerrero in a wheelchair, being pushed by the new Assistant GM Theodore Long. Footage of Undertaker tombstoning Guerrero three weeks ago is shown and Vickie tells of how she is mentally and physically scarred. Vickie says that all three of the main eventers at Armageddon will be in action tonight beginning with Edge.
Match 1: Edge vs. Funaki
Edge starts out slow, and he enjoys toying with his opponent ... at least at first. Funaki begins nailing a variety of aerial assaults, but it is only a matter of time before the Rated R SuperStar regains control. Edge issues a reverse Russian leg sweep, and follows that up with a crushing spear.
Match 2: Michelle McCool & Kelly Kelly vs. Victoria w/ Kenny Dykstra & Layla
Unfortunately Victoria has very little to work with in this matchup, however, Michelle shows surprising crispness with a backflip turned into an arm drag. Kenny trips up Michelle and then down drives Chuck Palumbo on his motorcycle to chase away the pesky Dykstra. This distraction allowed Victoria to get the quick roll up pinfall from behind.
WINNERS: Victoria & Layla
Following the commercials Palumbo yells at Michelle in frustration over the bad luck they have had over the past few weeks. He punches a hole in the wall as the segment ends.
Match 3: Rey Mysterio vs. Kenny Dykstra
MVP joins the broadcast team for this one as he essentially runs down Rey to hype their United States Championship match. Kenny is really taking it to the veteran and works a variety of submission holds around his left arm. In classic underdog form Mysterio makes a miraculous comeback by reversing an electric chair into a spinning head scissors. A 619 later and give the win to Rey Mysterio. MVP enters the ring, running down Rey and then has his handshake attempt rejected. A distraction from Kenny allows MVP the opening to smack the belt over Mysterio’s head.
WINNER: Rey Mysterio
Match 4: Last Man Standing Match - Kane vs. Batista
The first man down for the 10 count will lose the matchup. These two brawl to the outside where Batista delivers a powerful spear. Kane escapes from a Batista bomb, and scrambles to hit a chokeslam. Both men are almost counted down for the 10 count. Somehow The Animal climbs the turnbuckles, however, he is superplexed off the top for his trouble! Following the break, Batista is getting the holy hell beat out of him, and that includes a hard stiff looking kick, which propels the world champ into the first row. The Big Red Machine clears off the announce table and a few minutes later his chokeslam attempt through the table while standing on the steel steps is foiled. Batista turns it into a sloppy spinebuster that does not break the table. Edge comes out of nowhere to nail a vicious spear on Batista. The referee begins counting both competitors out when The Animal starts to rise. Edge tries to attack Batista again, however, he is backdropped and Batista stands up to beat out the still fallen Kane. The Rated R Superstar is not satisfied and crunches a chair over the back of the heavyweight title holder, leaving him writhing in pain. Not a bad match excitement wise from these workers, and the crowd was really into it.
Match 5: Festus w/ Jesse vs. The Miz w/ John Morrison
I am enjoying the transformation of Festus from simpleton to monster once the bell rings. Festus goes snap, and is all over Miz with a variety of power moves. The Miz gains some leverage following a neck drop over the top rope and some chop blocks to the knees. Morrison tries to distract Festus, however, Festus knocks him off the apron with the feet of Miz, who he had in a fireman’s carry. Festus then finishes Miz with a modified F-5.
Match 6: Hornswaggle vs. The Great Khali
Have we not seen this match three or four times already? Finlay’s music plays as he marches down to get some revenge on the beatdown he received from Khali last week. The Irishman starts wailing on the giant with the shillelagh and follows that up with some hard fists. The giant’s manager distracts Finlay by grabbing Hornswaggle and although the little guy escapes, Khali is able to pounce on the fighting Irishman. A two-handed chokeslam later and a distraught Hornswaggle tries to comfort his fallen comrade.
WINNER: No Contest
Michelle McCool and Kelly Kelly are talking about Palumbo overreacting. They walk into the locker room to see roses and balloons courtesy of one Jamie Noble. Michelle is sceptical but impressed and Noble prepares her for their agreed upon date.
Match 7: Main Event - Handicap Match: Big Daddy V & Mark Henry vs. The Undertaker
Why oh why does the poor Undertaker get saddled with such terrible opponents on a continual basis? Taker jabs at both huge men to keep them at bay, but soon the numbers game overtakes him. The Dead Man is able to isolate Henry momentarily and connect with his leg drop on the apron. I just want to go on the record and say that Big Daddy V is the grossest looking creature in professional wrestling history! Somehow Taker is able to kick out of V’s Samoan Drop and a splash by Henry, and is able to rebound somewhat before having his double chokeslam attack stopped. The World’s Strongest Man accidentally collides with V, allowing Undertaker to deliver a snap chokeslam on Henry to get the hurried 1-2-3. V pounds away on Taker after the bell and that flurry is capped off with a sit down powerbomb and two running Mark Henry splashes. Edge enters the ring to taunt Taker as V and Henry drop The Dead Man from a double torture rack.
WINNER: The Undertaker
Andy McNamara is a writer for SLAM! Wrestling and play-by-play broadcaster for Rogers Television: Toronto Maple Leafs baseball, and Toronto university and high school basketball and volleyball. As well, Andy does the play-by-play for Durham College basketball and volleyball. Contact Andy at firstname.lastname@example.org