ECW: Burke-Punk set up for Unforgiven
WRITER X - Mystery SLAM! Wrestling Correspondent
After the umpteenth try, C.M. Punk is finally the ECW Champion. It's an occasion so momentous, it necessitated a call to SLAM! Wrestling's man of mystery, Writer X. He'll cover this week's not quite live show from Minneapolis, where we'll see what awaits the new champion.
General Manager Armando Estrada wastes no time introducing the new champion. He says he's a big fan of Punk, always has been. The champ decides to test that statement by giving him an autographed version of the brand new C.M. Punk t-shirt and asking him to put it on. When Estrada hesitates, Punk raises the notion that the GM might just be trying to kiss up to the new champ. Estrada relents, but Punk doesn't have much time to enjoy the sight because his challenger at Unforgiven, Elijah Burke, comes to the ring to join the party. Burke claims he was the first person in ECW to believe in Punk, but he can see himself beating C.M. on Sunday. And why not? Burke is more athletic, more physically gifted and more charismatic, at least in his own mind. Punk gets in Burke's face, and when the challenger protests, he gets a step-up enzuigiri for his trouble. The two men will face each other in tag team action later tonight.
Match 1 - The Miz vs. Tommy Dreamer
Miz is accompanied by Extreme Expose, even Kelly, who appeared to be having second thoughts about supporting him last week. I wonder why! Dreamer looks good a few minutes in, hitting a superplex, a dropkick in the corner and an inverted DDT. He misses a charge into the corner though, and Miz scores with the Reality Check to get the win. Again, Kelly looks less than thrilled with The Miz's victory.
A video package narrated by Matt Striker - as if that's not bad enough by itself - introduces us to the wonders of Big Daddy V, a.k.a. the artist formerly known as Viscera. He'll face The Boogeyman next week, and all I've got to say is this: I really wish Big Daddy V had a shirt on! Backstage, Balls Mahoney gives Kelly a teddy bear and looks like he's going to get a kiss in return. But Kelly says she has to go. Sorry Balls.
Match 2 - Matt Striker vs. Nunzio
I don't know if it qualifies as a squash, but Striker wins in about a minute and a half after Nunzio misses a move in the corner. It's really just an excuse for Big Daddy V to enter the ring and work over Nunzio, at least until The Boogeyman appears on the video screen. His Humpty Dumpty-inspired rhyme is creepy, but Big Daddy V doesn't look scared, just hungry.
In case you missed it, the Raw Rebound reveals the identity of Vince McMahon's "bastard son." And you knew it was Hornswoggle all along, didn't you? Yes, I know you told your buddy Ted when you were out drinking two weeks ago. I believe you.
Match 3 - Balls Mahoney vs. Mike Knox
This adds another layer to the Kelly situation, I suppose, since Knox is Kelly's ex-boyfriend. Balls is in control until The Miz makes his presence known, allowing Knox to hit a jumping kick to the face that ends the match. Kelly looks distraught as she watches on a backstage monitor. I don't know if she can act, but she has that look down pat.
Tazz and Joey Styles run down the card for Unforgiven, which is looking a little weak. It's almost like, I don't know, a bunch of guys were suspended or something.
Main Event - Elijah Burke and Kevin Thorn vs. Stevie Richards and C.M. Punk
Punk and Burke waste little time squaring off, though their partners eventually do the same. Thorn is battered by a barrage of kicks from both faces, but he eventually rallies. Stevie takes a beating for a couple minutes until he can make the hot tag to Punk. The champ hits the step-up enzuigiri on Thorn, but loses the momentum when he has to pause to deal with Burke. Thorn has Punk up for a big bomb, but it's countered with the Go To Sleep and that's all she wrote. Punk stands triumphant with the ECW belt as Burke looks on. Roll credits.
No one knows the true identity of Writer X, but he dons his trusty lucha mask and appears to write a report whenever he’s needed. He also claims to be another one of Vince’s illegitimate sons from a trip to Mexico years ago. Dispute this claim by writing to email@example.com.