Raw: Umaga has a really bad night
DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling
Tonight, Monday Night RAW comes to us not-quite-live from THE Ohio State University. The big question, though, is who or who won't be appearing on TV, tonight. (I won't get into it; I'll leave that to the real journalists on this site.)
Match #1 -- Umaga vs. Jeff Hardy -- Intercontinental Title Match
Umaga takes Hardy down with a clotheslines, and then chokes him on the ropes. Umaga follows with a head butt, and the whips Hardy hard into corner. Jeff crashes to the floor, clutching his back. Umaga chops Hardy into the corner, but misses a splash. Umaga kicks Hardy off the apron.
After the break, Umaga is kicking Hardy on the mat. Umaga locks in a claw grip on Hardy's shoulder. Umaga slams Hardy to the mat, and climbs the turnbuckle. Hardy rolls away from the flying head butt and Umaga crashes and burns. Hardy hits a clothesline and goes for a sunset flip. Hardy can't get it over, but avoids getting squashed.
Hardy hits the whisper in the wind, but then leaps into a side slam. Hardy kicks out of a pin. Umaga climbs the turnbuckle, but Hardy hits the ropes. Umaga gets crotched on the turnbuckle, falling to the mat. Hardy covers, gets the pin, and the victory.
Winner via pinfall and new Intercontinental: Jeff Hardy
In his office Vince tells Coach that the best defense is a good offense. Carlito, with a very cut down 'fro (weed whacker, perhaps? Maybe hedge clippers), walk in. Vince tells 'Lito that Umaga will now team with him against Triple H.
Santino Marella tells Maria everything will be fine because he will be there for her against Beth Phoenix.
Melina whispers to William Regal about a night she spend with Vince. Linda McMahon walks over a slaps her. Ron Simmons offers this insight, "DAMN!"
Match #2 -- Maria w/ Santino Marella vs. Beth Phoenix
Santino says his arm is almost better, and he
will embarrass Ron Simmons next week. Santino calls the city a dump, and Sandman makes his entrance. Santino says Sandman is jealous because he has Maria, while he makes love to his stick. One kendo shot later Santino is laid out, and Sandman beats him up the ramp.
Beth Phoenix fights off an early Maria attack and then finishes her off with a fisherman(woman's?) suplex.
Winner via pinfall: Beth Phoenix
William Regal recaps the actions of Randy Orton from last week. Regal welcomes Orton via satellite (or from the back, your choice). Orton says Cean did this to himself. Orton blames Cena for what happened to his own father. All Cena had to do was accept the rematch. Regal announces the Cena will take on Orton at Unforgiven. Cena walks out on stage and heads to the ring. Regal says he's just doing his job. Cena enters the ring without a word. The champ lays out the GM, smashing him into the announce table, and then locking in the STFU on the floor.
Cade and Murdoch join JR and King at the announce table.
Match #3 -- The World's Greatest Tag Team vs. Kendrick and London
Haas and Kendrick start off. Haas slaps in wrist lock, Kendrick counters. London tags in, but runs into a boot from Haas. Benjamin tags in hitting a suplex. Kendrick gets the hot tag, hitting an enziguri. Benjamin breaks the pin after a cross body. Kendrick hits the sliced bread #2 and pins Haas for the win.
Winner via pinfall: Kendrick and London
Cade and Murdoch enter the ring and give London a Kendrick a round of applause and then offer a handshake. (Me thinks I have seen this before, the question where?)
William Regal is being checked out by the paramedics as Shane McMahon arrives at the arena.
Carlito tells Umaga to take out his anger on Triple H. Carlito says Trips was laughing that Umaga lost his title.
Vince is strategizing with his lawyers in the back. Vince says this is all about greed. Coach tells Vince that Regal is in bad shape, Vince tells Coach he has to step up once again. One of Vince's lawyers wants a defensive strategy and reach a settlement. Vince fires him on the spot.
Match #4 -- Jillian Hall and Daivari vs. Cody Rhodes and Mickie James
Jillian gets on the mike and wants to perform after having her wisdom teeth pulled. Daivari makes it a duet, and the crowd doesn't like it. Jillian and Mickie start off and Jillian slams Mickie into the mat. A reverse kick slows down Jillian, she goes for her mouth and the ref stops the match. Daivari tags in, meaning Rhodes must also enter. Daivari hits a mean clothesline and then hits an elbow. Rhodes fights back, but runs into a back elbow. Cody Rhodes shoots off the ropes hitting a bulldog, and then hits a DDT. Cody covers for the win.
Winner via pinfall: Cody Rhodes and Mickie James
Match #5 -- Triple H vs. Umaga and Carlito
Carlito starts things off with Triple H. Carlito fights him into the corner, but the Game responds with hard rights. HHH then tosses ‘Lito by his hair across the ring. Carlito is dumped from the ring and Trips wants Umaga. Carlito attacks from behind and Umaga gets the upper hand. Carlito and Umaga continue the assault, prompting the ref to call for the bell. Umaga hits a side kick, and Carlito hits the backstabber. Umaga then hits a flying head butt off the middle turnbuckle.
Winner via DQ: Triple H
Carlito grabs two chairs, setting one in front of Trips' face. Umaga
charges, Triple H moves out of the corner, and Umaga hits all steel. Triple H hits Carlito in the gut, and then turns his attention to Umaga. Triple H ditches the chair after several chair shots, and goes for the sledge. Carlito walks away, and Trips nails Umaga in the face with the sledgehammer. Umaga is still moving, bleeding, but moving. Hunter then hits a semi-swinging shot to the back of the Samoan Bulldozer's head, finally knocking the monster out.
Vince comes to the ring with his legal entourage. Vince says his family is here for the money, money, yea, yea. (Oh, those guys got cut.) Linda comes out first, and says she doesn't need his money, but she can take it because of the illegitimate kid. Vince uses the lonely nights on the road excuse, and says the kids will understand.
Stephanie walks out to a big pop. (WHY!!!!! WHY!!!! WHY!!!! Why are you people cheering? If she stays on TV, this is on your head Ohio State!) Vince has made a special video for his little girl. Instead of a tribute, we get Vince beating the crap out of her. Coach cries sabotage, and Triple H appears on the Titantron, and swears he had nothing to do with it. Steph tells Vince he needs serious help, and he should step down as chairman.
Enter Shane-O-Mac. The son wants to know what Vince he is talking to. Is it the pioneer, the man he is proud to call his father or ego-maniacal, death faking lunatic? Shane says they are here to stand behind him, but he needs to change. Shane thinks Vince can change, and Shane has always wanted a brother. Vince says everything
is a big lie; he did it to build his ego. Vince says he has only cheated once and that was with the woman who gave birth to his illegitimate son. Vince gets on his knees to humble himself before his family. Vince vows to be a better person.
KENNEDY! Mr. Kennedy interrupts, and he says that everything happens for a reason. Kennedy tells Vince that he is his son. Steph jumps in, saying he isn't Vince's son. Kennedy tells Vince not to change, because he made Kennedy the man he is today. You inspired me. Kennedy wants a hug, and Vince embraces him. The lawyer that represents the woman who is the mother, says the DNA tests came back, and it isn't Mr. Kennedy. The lawyer says all will be revealed next week on RAW. The only clue he gives is "things are looking up."
Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003. Dale is not under investigation for performance enhancing drugs, but if caffeine is ever banned, there maybe a problem.