August 19, 2007
Saturday Night's Main Event a bore
By MATT MACKINDER - SLAM! Wrestling
Another night and another WWE show featuring Vince McMahon and his penis. That's four shows this week that this illegitimate child storyline has been shoved down our throats. Hopefully, the wrestling tonight on Saturday Night's Main Event will overshadow Vince, but I doubt it.
Taped last Monday at Madison Square Garden, SNME opens with (you guessed it) Vince and Jonathan Coachman in the back. Coach says he will reveal Vince's kid tonight. Vince then remembers he had a fling in the 1970s in Kansas City with a black woman. Coach mentions that he was born in that time frame and that he is adopted. McMahon says it'll be a long night.
The opening isn't the old school Obsession by Animotion, but rather Boom by P.O.D. That's just an FYI. Michael Cole, JBL and Jim Ross are ringside and we get down to business.
Match # 1 - Batista and Kane vs. Finlay and The Great Khali w/ Ranjin Singh
Kane has his ribs taped, courtesy of Finlay's recent shillelagh attack. Khali targets Kane's ribs with a claw hold as the match goes back and forth. Batista hits Finlay with a sidewalk slam, but Hornswoggle comes into the ring. Batista tosses the Cruiserweight champ into Finlay and then the faces tie up Khali in the ropes as Hornswoggle is used as a battering ram into the World Heavyweight champ. Khali takes a double chokeslam from Batista and Kane and rolls to the floor.
Batista turns his attention to Finlay and drills the Batista Bomb for the three count.
Winners via pinfall: Batista and Kane
Vince is in the back and looks in a mirror. He sees himself as an announcer circa 1985. Coach gets him out of there, but Ron Simmons enters. Simmons looks in the mirror and, on cue, "Damn!"
YET AGAIN, we get the Triple H Bionic Man vignette. The over/under on HHH ripping another quad is six months. Anyone care to challenge me on that?
MVP is backstage with Evander Holyfield as the four-time heavyweight champ has Matt Hardy tonight in a boxing match. MVP pumps up "The Real Deal" and the two embrace.
Vince and Coach hit the ring and Coach has a list of three potential superstars that could be the missing McMahon. He introduces Eugene first. Vince says when he was in Kentucky, he had sex with a stranger, not his cousin. Eugene kisses Vince, but is told to get out of the ring.
Next up is Melina as apparently, Vince had a tryst at the WrestleMania 2 after-party in Los Angeles. Melina says that if she is Vince's kid, she'll take him for everything he has. McMahon goes off with his "ungrateful (rhymes with witch)" schtick. Come up with some new material, Vince. Come on, now.
Coach says he has one more candidate, but would rather not say. Vince wants to know. Out comes Stone Cold Steve Austin! Give me a break, people. Austin rants about how he never knew his father was a jackass and that he's upset he missed out on chances to play catch, go to football games and drink beer with his father. The crowd has the "What?" chant in full effect.
Austin says he has a solution for Vince's overactive grapefruits and hits the Chairman with a mule kick and then a low blow. Coach blows up in Austin's face, but tastes a Stunner. Austin has a beer bash and pours beer on Vince. Vince gets up and he and Austin toast, but (as predictable as it can be), McMahon goes down to a Stunner as well.
Holyfield is sparring backstage to further hype the boxing bout later tonight.
Match # 2 - John Cena vs. Carlito
A non-title match that is nothing special. Cena hits the top-rope legdrop and Carlito quickly taps to the STFU.
Winner via submission: John Cena
Randy Orton jumps Cena from behind and runs him into the steel steps. Orton sets up a chair and KO's Cena with an RKO onto the chair. The MSG crowd is all over Orton. Backstage, Todd Grisham catches up with Orton, who says he just sent a message to Cena.
Match # 3 - Boxing Match - Matt Hardy vs. Evander Holyfield
Yes! Michael Buffer does the introductions and even a special one for MVP that the U.S. champ provided. The ring girls that show what round it is are Kelly Kelly, Kristal, Michelle McCool and Torrie Wilson.
Round 1- Hardy wears the amateur head gear and Holyfield knocks him down three times. The bell saves Hardy, however.
Round 2- MVP gets in the ring and demands Holyfield knock out Hardy. Holyfield turns and drops MVP with a right haymaker and hugs Hardy before leaving the ring.
Winner: No Contest? There was no formal announcement.
Tazz joins Cole and JR for tonight's main event - an ECW match!
Match # 4 - CM Punk and The Boogeyman vs. John Morrison and Big Daddy V w/ Matt Striker
The "lean" Boogeyman was the one in this match if you were wondering. Morrison and Punk start off with several near-falls before the pace of the match gets slowed to a crawl when Morrison tags Big Fatty when Boogey tried to get the ECW champ to swallow the worms. Big Vis dominates before each gets the hot tag. Punk and Nitro go back and forth until Punk gets a small package out of nowhere in a finish that seemed very rushed.
Winners via pinfall: CM Punk and The Boogeyman
The show's highlights are recapped to the theme song as the latest SNME is in the books. Thank God it's over. Glad I DVR'd it and didn't stay up to watch it.
Matt Mackinder should have stayed up to get used to these late nights again as his wife, Stephanie, is due next month with the couple's second son. Email Matt at email@example.com and also be sure to listen to Matt on the Lights Out Radio podcast every Thursday.