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ECW: Balls McMahon?
By MATT MACKINDER - SLAM! Wrestling


Vince McMahon will venture to ECW tonight to find out if one of the dozen wrestlers on the show is his "son." Can we ever have a storyline that doesn't involve Vince and/or genitalia? Probably not.

Live from the University of South Carolina, ECW GM Armando Estrada is in the ring surrounded by a shopping cart, garbage can and other "implements of extreme," as Joey Styles calls them. Estrada then books the opening match and has it be under "Extreme Rules."

Match # 1 - Extreme Rules - Tommy Dreamer vs. Big Daddy V w/ Matt Striker

Nothing special here as "Extreme Rules" means very little to a match other than swinging plastic road signs. Dreamer gets chucked into the shopping cart and then takes a Samoan Drop through a table for the three. And the losing streak of Dreamer continues...

Winner via pinfall: Big Daddy V

Jonathan Coachman and McMahon are shown walking backstage yip-yapping.

CM Punk is "straight edge." We know. We've seen this video package for a year now. I guess you need filler when the ECW roster is less than paper thin.

Coach tells Vince that he found out about an encounter Vince had in a bathroom stall in New York City. Vince starts to go into detail, but Coach doesn't want to hear it. Balls Mahoney comes in and calls Vince "Dad." Vince gets peeved after Mahoney says he could have Balls for a son. McMahon responds by saying "I have no Balls." Sexual innuendo always gets a crowd somewhat awake, but not me. If I was 13, maybe, but not now.

Match # 2 - Balls Mahoney vs. Elijah Burke

Burke concentrates on Balls' left arm and shoulder and pretty much carries the match. Burke charges Mahoney in the corner, but Balls moves and sloppily rolls up Burke for the fall.

Winner via pinfall: Balls Mahoney

Two more filler video packages follow - John Morrison and Triple H's return hype.

Mahoney is walking in the back and bumps into The Miz and Extreme Exposé. Miz trashes Mahoney and says Kelly Kelly might date him if he was a McMahon. Miz then scoots off with Layla and Brooke, while Kelly winks at Balls, who says it's been a great night.

More recaps as the last match between Stevie Richards and Kevin Thorn is shown. Thorn is backstage and gets jumped by Richards before the brawl is broken up. If anything positive comes from this, it's that Richards is getting some solid TV time.

Coach tells Vince they came up empty tonight, but he may have one more option because this guy has "M" as his middle initial. Punk enters and McMahon says that because they are opposites, there is no chance they are related. Punk says there is one thing he doesn't do that Vince does and that's having dirty, unprotected sex with a money-grabbing skank who files a paternity suit that gets him thrown out of his house and made into a national disgrace. Punk exits, McMahon fumes.

Match # 3 - CM Punk & The Boogeyman vs. John Morrison & The Miz w/ Extreme Exposé

The action goes to the floor and Boogey chases Miz into the gals. Boogey spits worms at and onto the ladies as we hit a commercial break.

Back in the ring, Punk takes punishment and can't take Boogey. Punk carried this match. Boogey gets tossed into the ring steps by the champ, who blind tags Mizanin while Punk has him up for Go To Sleep. Punk nails Miz, but Morrison connects on a kick and the corkscrew neckbreaker on his SummerSlam challenger for the clean pin.

Winners via pinfall: John Morrison & The Miz

What happened to Boogey? Those "steel" steps must have KO'd him, eh?

Morrison taunts Punk with the ECW belt and celebrates in the ring. I'm hoping for a four-star match between these two at SummerSlam and my guess is we'll get it.

'Til next week...


MACKER'S MAILBAG

Saturday Night's Main Event. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

The Great Khali? Certainly not my definition of great. Why is a great entertainer like Ken Kennedy walking around with no belt, when The Great Sloth is the champ?

And have we not had enough of Vince? Please?!?!?

--Rob Hungerson, Barrie, Ontario


SMNE was pretty lame. A five-year-old could have written it. The boxing match was so predictable it wasn't funny. Yeah, Stone Cold is Vince's son. How stupid do they think we are?

--Mike Burrill, Sault Ste. Marie, Mich.


It's sad, but some of the segments where wrestlers come up to Vince saying they are his kid has made me laugh. Is there something wrong with me?

--Deepak Grover, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan



Have a beef, comment, question specifically about ECW or WWE in general? Email Matt at mackindermedia@yahoo.com and your comments will be posted in Macker's Mailbag each week. Please include your name (or initials) and hometown. Submissions may be edited for grammar, spelling and punctuation, but not for content. Also be sure to listen to Matt on the Lights Out Radio podcast every Thursday.