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Raw: Who's your daddy?
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling


In last week's episode of All My Wrestlers, AKA Monday Night RAW, Vince McMahon found out he has an illegitimate child. And the WWE played the dating game. If I wanted to watch soap operas and game shows I'd tune into daytime TV.

The big question tonight is actually wrestling related. Will Triple H make his return, tonight, in Madison Square Garden, when Jerry Lawler crowns King Booker?

The show kicks off with a recap of Vince "striking back" and all who did him wrong; the government, the media, and even his family.

Superstars from RAW, Smackdown, and ECW surround the ring, and Vince McMahon makes his entrance. The chairman stands in the middle of the ring to address his wrestlers and the MSG crowd. Vince says he doesn't remember what this woman looks like, and she is withholding his child's name. Vince says this is extortion and he will not be intimidated, not by Congress, not the media, and not by some woman who should have been on the pill. Vince thanks his family for being supportive, and also wants the crowd's support. That's not going to happen. Vince starts to rant, when Stephanie interrupts him. His daughter decides to make public a very big piece of information. Vince accuses her of being all about the money. Steph then drops a bomb on her old man. Vince's ill-begotten child is standing at ringside. That's right folks, the seed of McMahon is a WWE superstar. Vince takes a long looks at all his employees, but we all know who it is. EUGENE! (Okay, probably not, my money is on Ken KENNEDY!...KENNEDY)

Bobby Lashley gives us an update on his condition following shoulder surgery. Lashley vows that Kennedy will pay.

Match #1 Ken Kennedy vs. Sandman

Sandman's music cuts of Kennedy's in ring promo. The two men lock up, with Kennedy pushing Sandman into the corner. Sandman slaps on a waistlock, which Kennedy counters into a hammerlock. Sandman breaks free, and punches away at Kennedy. Sandman hits a Russian leg sweep, but is cut down off the top turnbuckle. Kennedy hits a snap mare, and whips Sandman into the corner. Kennedy runs a knee into Sandman's face, and then picks him up for the Green Bay plunge. Kennedy covers for the win.

Winner via pinfall: Ken Kennedy ... Kennedy

Vince is beside himself in his office, venting to Coach. Vince tries to compose himself, and Coach offers to help. Coach wants to know when Vince first did the deed. Vince doesn't say an age, but it is played up that anyone, and I mean anyone, on the roster could be his kid. And yes, even Ric Flair.

RAW GM William Regal is presenting WWE Idol. Regal, in the role of Simon Cowell, auditions JBL and Michael Cole performing as Hall and Oates. Let's just say they won't be on the show. Santino Marella interrupts Regal talking to Maria and Ron Simmons. Santino is still upset the Maria will be going out on a date with Ron, so tonight he will sing a song so romantic that Maria will come back to him. Regal says he doesn't need any more singers. JBL and Cole then ask Simmons what his favorite '80s band is. Wait for it. Wait for it ... Simmons' response, "WHAM!"

Cryme Tyme comes to the ring to make some money. They auction off Lillian Garcia's chair, signed by Cryme Tyme. Someone offers $1,000.

Match #2 Cryme Tyme vs. Cade & Murdoch

We come back from commercial in the middle of the match. Shad is in trouble in the heel corner. Murdoch hits a side Russian leg sweep. Shad fights out of a headlock, driving Murdoch into the turnbuckle. JTG gets the hot tag, hitting a flying leg drop on Murdoch. Cade breaks the pin attempt. JTG is hit with the hugh-low as the ref gets Shad out of the ring. Shad grabs the $1,000 chair, nailing Murdoch with it and getting disqualified.

Winner via DQ: Cade and Murdoch

Well, it looks official, Triple H won't return until SummerSlam.

Match #3 Snitsky vs. Robby

SQUASH!

Winner via pinfall: Snitsky

After the match, Snitsky continues to beat on both Highlanders.

Vince tells Coach he did it in every state. (On a personal note, EEEWWWWWWWW!) Coach wants a list of all Vince's indiscretions so he can cross reference them. Vince turns to find Cody Rhodes, who assures Vince he knows he father. Cody then gives Vince something, a condom. Vince still wonders who it could be. The Boogeyman appears behind him, singing Cat's in the Cradle.

Todd Grisham hosts WWE Idol. The Grish introduces the judges, William Regal, Maria, and Mick "Even he admits he'll do anything for money" Foley. Jillian is up first, and strangles a cat. Next up are Nikolai Volkoff and the Iron Sheik with Howard Finkel. Lillian Garcia is the last contestant, but she is interrupted by Santino. Marella tries to serenade Maria, but Ron Simmons comes out and rams him into the RAW set. Regal declares Simmons the winner, to which he says, "DAMN!"

Match #4 Cody Rhodes vs. Charlie Haas w/ Shelton Benjamin

Haas starts with a waist lock take down. Rhodes responds with a jip toss, and then a roll up. Haas kicks out. Rhodes fights his way out the corner. Haas fights back with kicks, and then hits a leg drop. Haas slams Cody into the turnbuckle, but Rhodes returns the favor. Haas hits a belly to belly overhead suplex. Haas slaps on a chin lock. Rhodes counters by drop Haas on the top rope. Rhodes hits a dropkick and follows with a bull dog. Rhodes climbs the turnbuckle and hits a flying cross body. Haas rolls though, but Cody kicks out. Rhodes pulls off an inside cradle, and gets the pin.

Winner via pinfall: Cody Rhodes

King Booker and Jerry Lawler head to the ring for the coronation ceremony. Booker puts himself over as king, but Lawler won't crown him. Booker tells him to get on with it. Lawler says he can't do it, because there is another. Lawler says Booker will have a match with Triple H at SummerSlam. Lawler then stomps on the crown, and Booker punches away. Booker beats on Lawler, and nails him with monitor from the announce table. Booker then gets in JR's face.

The Grish takes over for Lawler at the announce table.

Randy Orton addresses the crowd before the match. Orton says the fairy tale for Cena will end in two weeks. Orton says he ends careers, and tonight Cena will get a small glimpse of what is to come.

Match #5 John Cena and Umaga vs. Randy Orton and Carlito

Umaga and Orton start things off. Umaga knocks Orton to the mat, and then beats on him in the corner. Orton dodges a charge, and Carlito tags in. Umaga fights off a double team, and Cena hits the ring to clear the heels.

After the break, Cena has Carlito in the corner. The champ whips Carlito into the corner, where he collides with an elbow from Umaga. Cena bounces 'Lito's head off the turnbuckle, but is stopped by a boot the face. Cena recovers to hit a couple shoulder blocks and then a side slam. Cena connects with the five knuckle shuffle. Carlito is set up for the F-U, but is saved by Orton. Cena is knocked to the floor, and Orton nails him with a European Uppercut. Orton tags in, and stalks the champ. Orton hits a dropkick, and makes a quick tag. Carlito has a suplex blocked, but instead nails a neck breaker. Cena breaks a head lock with a side slam. Orton gets the tag, hitting a big clothesline on the champ. Orton stomps on Cena, but misses and knee drop. Carlito tags in, and gets a near fall. Cena hits a bulldog on Orton, and both men go down. Carlito stops Cena from making the tag. Cena hits a back body drop, and Umaga gets the hot tag, after some confusion. Carlito gets hit with a Samoan drop, and then runs Orton in the corner. Carlito goes for a backcracker, but can't bring down Umaga. Cena sets up Carlito and hits the F-U. Cena covers for the win.

Winner via pinfall: John Cena and Umaga

Vince has listed his many conquests to Coach, from the seventies. Vince dives into a story about two flight attendants, when Linda McMahon walks up behind her husband. She tells him he no longer has a home to return to.

Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003.