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Raw: Mr. McMahon gets served
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling


You gotta feel for the people of Buffalo. First they get hosed on a non-call in game seven of the Stanley Cup finals a few years ago. Then this season the Sabres get knocked out of the playoffs as the top seed, and now they have to witness the return of Vince McMahon to Monday Night RAW in person. (And donít even get me started on the Bills.)

Vince appears with little fanfare as we see him arriving earlier in the day. Coach returns to his old sycophantic self. Vince wants Coach to gather all the superstars in the ring to start the show, and Vince will exercise his freedom of expression.

The ring fills with superstars and the divas. Vince makes his entrance and has a huge announcement. But first Vince needs to tie up some loose ends. We see footage from two months ago of the limo with Vince presumably inside blowing up. Vince admits to staging the whole thing, just to find out if people really cared about him. McMahon cops to being sensitive and he found out he is beloved by people all over the world. Vince says he will address the U.S. congress, the news media, and his own family. (Oh, good, the "WHAT?" chants are starting again, and Vince is playing off of it. Someone shoot me now.) But first off tonight, will be a battle royal, and the winner will be the new general manager of RAW!

Match #1 Ė RAW Battle Royal Ė Winner becomes GM of RAW

Jerry Lawler gets a big kick out of King Booker getting eliminated right in front of the announce table. After the commercial, Umaga avoids getting eliminated after a group beat down. Carlito avoids elimination by grabbing the bottom rope, as Umaga eliminates himself while taking Brian Kendrick over the top. Hacksaw Jim Duggan hits the floor, leaving Carlito, Shelton Benjamin, Cody Rhodes and Sandman left. Rhodes runs into a boot from Benjamin, who sets Rhodes up in the corner. Cody fights his way out, hitting a forearm. Benjamin tosses Rhodes over the top rope, but Cody skins the cat. Benjamin kicks Cody in the head, and Carlito knocks Rhodes over the top rope. Carlito sets Sandman on the top turnbuckle. Sandman fights Carlito off, but Benjamin springs to the top, hitting a superplex on Sandman. Carlito and Benjamin slug it out on the apron. Sandman takes advantage knocking both to the floor, seemingly winning the match. Instead, William Regal slips in the ring, attacking Sandman and then tossing him out of the ring.

Winner and new General Manager of RAW: William Regal

Regal had slipped out of the ring with an apparent injury, never being eliminated.

Coach canít believe Regal is the new GM, and tries to make a case against him. Vince says he is being investigated by two different congressional committees, and he isnít happy. Vince tells Coach he still has a job, as Regalís assistant.

The Grish interviews King Booker, who isnít pleased that Grish referenced Triple H as the King of Kings. Booker decrees that next week the loser of tonightís match versus Jerome Lawler will crown the winner as the true king.

Match #2 Ė Rory (of the Highlanders) w/ Robbie vs. Snitsky

Looks like Snitsky is the new monster heel on RAW since it looks like Umaga is making a face turn. And Snitsky finishes off Rory with a pump handle slam before I can even finish my first sentence.

Winner via pinfall: Snitsky

Vince is walking the halls, when Coach comes to Vince with an important phone call. Mr. McMahonís accountant informs the boss that the IRS is also investigating him. Vince says the media is going to have field day, since they ignore the facts for the sake of entertainment. Vince walks away talking about the IRS and we see I.R.S. reading the paper.

Match #3 Ė Jillian Hall vs. Mickie James

Before the match, Jillian asks the crowd if they want to here Lillian sing, but instead Jillian belts out a song. Thankfully, Mickie Jamesí entrance interrupts her. Jillian attacks; tossing Mickie across the ring. Mickie fights out of a hold, and then hits a head scissors. Mickie ducks a clothesline and comes back with a Thesz press. Mickie with a roll up, but Jillian kicks out. Jillian takes a boot to the face, but rolls out of the ring as Mickie climbs the turnbuckle. Jillian hangs Mickie up on the ropes, and then slaps a full nelson. Jillian combos into a front face buster, and covers for the win.

Winner via pinfall: Jillian Hall

Coach swallows his pride and approaches Regal. The new GM says he always wanted to host a game show, and tonight he can make that happen. Regal dispatches Coach to round up contestants for The Dating Game.

Carlitoís Cabana

Carlito says he isnít afraid of anybody, which is why he is having John Cena on the Cabana again. The champ looks Carlito into a chair, and proceeds to host the show himself. Cena also interviews himself. The champ then runs down the top three reasons to trash the Cabana. Number one reason: Because itís cool. Cena punches Carlito, as Randy Orton slips into the ring. Cena blocks the RKO, and Orton scurries from the ring. Cena sets up and then delivers an F-U to Carlito. William Regal comes out to take charge, and announces that the champ will face an opponent decided by Orton and Carlito.

In the locker room, Orton pitches Regal on Cenaís opponent for the night. It wonít be Orton or Carlito, but Intercontinental Champion Umaga. Vince stops by and gives Regal props on the match. He then wants to confide in Regal, Vince wants to galvanize his family and bring them back together. Vince feels nothing can stop it.

Match #4 Ė King Booker w/ Sharmell vs. Jerry Lawler

Booker beats on Lawler corner to corner, but Jerry fights back, and Booker slides out of the ring. Booker applies a hammerlock, but King reverses it. Booker counters and breaks free. Lawler pummels Book in the corner, but Booker recovers to hit a chop. Booker hangs Lawler up on the top rope, and then kicks him in the face. Booker stomps away at Lawler. Booker slaps on a key lock; Lawler gets to his feet and breaks free. Booker dodges a drop kick, and then slaps on a chin lock. Lawler dodges a scissors kick, and takes down Booker with a right hand. The fight spills to the floor. Lawler rolls Booker back in the ring, but is then distracted by Sharmell. The distraction allows Booker to connect with a scissors kick, and then pin Lawler.

Winner via pinfall: King Booker

If you havenít heard, the injury bug has bit again. This time Bobby Lashley will be on the shelf with a torn rotator cuff.

Kennedy takes a verbal jab at Lashley.

William Regal host The Dating Game. Maria is the lucky girl, with Jim Duggan, Ron Simmons, and Santino Marella as the bachelors. In a rare moment, the comedy bit was actually funny, although 90% of it was Simmons. Anyway, Maria chooses Bachelor #2, Ron Simmons. Santino isnít happy about it, and says he is leaving with Maria, and no one can stop them, except Umaga. Santino hightails it out of the ring by himself before Umaga makes it down to the ring.

Coach signs a summons for Vince, and a getting served is never a good thing.

Match #5 Ė John Cena vs. Umaga

Cena dodges a charging Umaga, but doesnít have the strength to whip him into the corner. Umaga beats on the WWE champ, whipping him hard into the corner. Umaga nails a head butt, and then a shoulder block. Cena slides under Umaga, and hits the throwback. Umaga responds with a rolling kick, and Cena spills to the floor.

After the break, we see Cena hitting the announce table. Back in the ring, Umaga has a nerve pinch locked in. Cena breaks the hold, and tries to pick up Umaga. Cena collapses under the weight of the Samoan Bulldozer. On the apron, Cena hangs Umaga across the rope, and then climbs the turnbuckle. Cena leaps, but Umaga catches him and lays him out with a sidewalk slam. Umaga climbs the turnbuckle, but misses a splash, and Cena locks in an STF-U. Before Umaga taps, Cena sees Carlito and Orton running to the ring. Orton and Carlito attack Cena, and try to get Umaga to join them. Orton slaps Umaga on the chest to fire him up, but instead Umaga attacks Orton and the kicks Carlito in the face. Umaga has a choice between Carlito and Cena, and goes after Carlito. ĎLito slips out of the ring before the hit connects. William Regal walks out on stage and announces next week Cena and Umaga will team up against Orton and Carlito. Cena takes off after Orton, while Umaga stalks Carlito.

Winner via DQ: John Cena

Vince stops to chat with various superstars as he leaves the arena. In a scene reminiscent of two months ago, Vince climbs into his limo, and is hit with a different bomb. Coach runs up with the summons, and informs Vince he is being served with a paternity suit. Vince doesnít looks happy.

Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003. Dale got served once, on the dance floor. He has yet to recover.