Smackdown: Much ado about Poochie
JON WALDMAN -- SLAM! Wrestling
It's now just a few precious hours before the Night of Champions (also known as
Vengeance) and Smackdown is going home, hopefully in style. The SD! crew, who
last week was virtually in tears over the passing of Vinnie Mac, hopefully have
gone through their gut-check and we can move on to the important matters at hand.
We'll see what happens.
We kick off tonight's action with The Cutting Edge, hosted by the Canadian.
Natch, we start the go-home show with talk about Mr. McMahon himself. Shocking,
I know. Edge then brings out Torrie Wilson for her five minutes of usefulness
before she goes back to meaning nothing on WWE TV. The usefulness, you ask?
Well, Edge accuses her of starting the fire. Eventually, MVP comes out and first
defends her then turns on her. MVP then really cuts into the Diva, before Flair
comes out. Slick Ric defends Torrie's honour by assaulting the two heels but
gets pummelled for his efforts, before Batista comes out and clears the ring.
Backstage, Vicki Guerrero and Teddy Long discuss a match for tonight with Edge
and MVP versus Batista and Ric Flair. Oh yay. Essentially, it's the same match
we've had a few times now on SD!, just subbing in Flair instead of Benoit. Crikey,
this is terrible.
Match 1 - Jimmy Yang/Shannon Moore vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr./Jamie Noble
Hey look, Shannon Moore has ditched the Prince of Punk gimmick. Why can't Yang
dump the stupidity also?
It's actually sad, when you think about it, that these four men essentially
make up the C-Weight division. The only one missing from the bout is Funaki.
The match itself is a fun view, but the division is as dead as TNA's X-Division.
The only difference between the two, right now, is Kevin Nash, and I'll let
you be the judge on if that's a good thing or bad thing for WWE. In any case,
the bout is more similar to a WCW Cruiser match than most matches I've seen
from WWE in a long time, which, as anyone who knows my viewing preferences will
tell you, is a very, very good thing. Chavito ends up getting the W thanks to
the Gory Bomb.
Winners: Chavo Guerrero Jr./Jamie Noble
Next up we see a press conference podium, where apparently Inspector Clueso
mean Beck, will give an update on the whodunit mystery.
Back from break is the second most useless Diva on the roster, Maryse, welcoming
us back. I still don't care about her, if you couldn't tell.
Match 2 - Mark Henry vs. Funaki
Hey look, it's the other Cruiserweight. I'm not even bothering with this squash.
Side bearhug gets the W for Henry.
Winner: Mark Henry
Big surprise, we go back to the McMahon stuff, with Michael Cole calling the
footage graphic. I'm sorry, that's total garbage. I've seen bonfires bigger
than the car on fire.
Backstage, Vicki Guerrero and Long talk about the memorial and Teddy's "plan"
until Kristal comes out. Lord almighty, I'm getting so bored tonight.
Match 3 - Fit Finlay vs. Matt Hardy
We must've seen this match 10 times already, with no reason for them to do
so. Look, Michael Hayes, if you're going to put two or four guys in the ring
together all the time, give us a reason why they're there. It's as simple as
declaring a Best Of series. It really doesn't take that much effort.
The match, granted, is solid, but still, Smackdown needs some variety. As I
suggested during the draft, it's time to amalgamate Smackdown and ECW. Hornswoggle
gets involved to swing the momentum to Finlay early on, and going into (and
out of) a break, Finlay is in control, later concentrating on the knee. Finlay
keeps going at Matt in a show of expert scientific wrestling before Hardy breaks
out with an Enziguri. As Hardy gains control solidly, Hornswoggle comes in to
distract the ref, allowing Finlay to use the International Object, but Hardy
still gets the duke with the Twist of Fate. Awesome match, and Matt really is
on a roll and should be the next to get a World Title shot in my opinion.
Winner: Matt Hardy
Back to the announce desk we go, which means more McMahon idiocy. We go back
to Raw for Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley's over-acting.
Before Long and Kristal come out, we get a vignette for the Majors and then
another shot of the Inspector Beck podium.
Now, the couple are out. As expected, Long proposes (after talking about Vince).
Okay, from here on in, I'm simply going to refer to Vince as Poochie (Simpsons
fans should get the reference). Enough is enough. For the humourist's sake,
I hope I get to cover Raw this Monday.
Oh yeah, and Kristal runs to the back crying, possibly due to the realization
that Grampa Teddy is so old that he needed his nurse to help him back up to
Match 4 - Chris Masters vs. Danny Shinley
Jobber match. Masters wins.
Winner: Chris Masters
Now we finally get the memorial screenshot for Sensational Sherri. Took them
Backstage, gramps has finally caught up with Kristal. She's still crying. After
she sees he ring she accepts. I smell a P.M.S. angle coming (and of course by
that I mean Pretty Mean Sisters).
Michael Cole then runs down the Vengeance card and we still do not find out
who Deuce and Domino will face.
Now it's time for the Beck presser. He says that DNA from Poochie, the limo
driver and one other "well known" personality were found in the limo
(hmm, two known, one unknown
two turntables and a microphone?).
Vagueness, thy name is Beck.
While all this goes on, Michelle McCool is playing tennis. Hey, it can't be
as bad as "Hole in One" Barry Darsow, can it?
Match 5 - Evolution vs. Edge/MVP
Let's cut to the chase here. Batista pins Edge, guaranteeing his loss on Sunday,
as per the WWE predictability standard.
Well, trim off three bad matches, a lame wedding proposal and all the Poochie
talk, and we had two very solid matches. Smackdown just needs more of that middle
stuff and less of the rest.
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Jon Waldman has been with SLAM! since 2000.