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COMMENT





SNME: Stupidity rules the late night
By JOHN POWELL - SLAM! Wrestling


The Great Khali beats on John Cena.


It was billed by the WWE as a show featuring the "biggest, smallest, strongest and strangest." What the WWE failed to mention was that is was going to be one of the "stupidest" Saturday Night's Main Events ever.

Still bumbling along without much focus or direction after a strong WrestleMania, the WWE had the kahonas to ask its fans to stay up late to take in such barn burners as The BoogeyMan and Mini BoogeyMan versus Fit Finlay and Hornswoggle and an arm wrestling match between Vince McMahon and Bobby Lashley. Wow. Be still my beating heart.

The fact that there were minutes still ticking on the clock after a five-minute recap video segment ended the show pretty much says it all about the current disorganized state of the WWE. No wonder they are scheduling a "draft" in the next few weeks.

Fitting in well with the topsy-turvy theme of the evening, the main event match is the curtain jerker tonight. In a feud nobody wanted, John Cena faces The Great Khali in a non-title match.

In the opening minutes, Cena throws everything but the kitchen sink at Khali but he is swatted away like a fly. Cena goes brain dead for a moment and tries to end it early by hoisting up Khali for an FU. Khali stops that and goes right back to manhandling Cena.

Putting his awesome wrestling arsenal on display, Khali batters Cena into a corner and then gives him a slingshot and a big boot. Khali follows it up with a big slam but misses a leg drop -- badly.

The action spills outside with Khali brutalizing Cena. The Champ attempts to gain some momentum by bounding off the ropes. His charge is met with a decapitating clothesline. As Khali expertly applies a chokehold, the fans shout "Khali sucks!" -- and they are so right.

Back on his feet, Cena ducks a punch and picks up Khali. An elbow to the jaw and a chop to the skull stuns Cena. Khali delivers his Double Fisted Chokeslam and pins Cena with one foot on his chest just to add insult to injury.

Khali prattles on for minutes until finally his no-name interpreter explains things.

"John Cena, at One Night Stand, the Great Khali will defeat you. The Great Khali says he can beat you outside ring and in the crowd. Tomorrow, Khali will be the new WWE champion," says Blabbermouth.

Translated from kayfabe that means you can expect lots of still-frame coverage of the pay-per-view on Raw since next to nobody will be plunking down their money on Sunday and who can blame them?

Saturday Night‘s Main Event Results

John Cena (WWE World Champion) versus The Great Khali (Non-title match)

Winner: In 6 minutes and 20 seconds, The Great Khali.

Match Rating: 2 / 5

Vince McMahon (ECW Champion) versus Bobby Lashley (Arm Wrestling Contest)

Hey, lookee. It is an arm wrestling contest. You know what that means? A set-up for an obvious Pearl Harbor job.

Vince stomps down to the ring like aliens just anal probed him in the parking lot of the Air Canada Centre. Does Vinnie Mac realize how stupid that power walk makes him look?

Lashley and Vince stare each other down. "You screwed, Bret!" shouts the crowd. Vince stalls, stalls and stalls some more. Vince claims he is going to embarrass Lashley at One Night Stand. Mark Henry‘s music plays as another power walker clomps to the ring.

According to the announcers, Mark Henry is now referring to himself as the "Silverback". For those who are not aware, a "Silverback" is an older male gorilla. Is it just me or does the nickname have a slight racist flavour to it? Either that or Mark Henry thinks he looks like an ape. I am confused, very confused.


Mark Henry and Lashley arm wrestle.
Henry takes Vince's place at the arm wrestling table. When it appears Henry is going to lose, he pops Lashley in the face. The official calls for the bell and flushes the contest. Henry punches and head butts Lashley into a corner. Lashley blocks Henry‘s punches and throws some haymakers of his own. Henry catches Lashley as he leaps off the ropes and slams him into a corner. Lashley roars back with a Spear. From behind, McMahon clobbers Lashley with a chairshot to the back.

Winner: No Contest

Match Rating: 0 / 5

Maria speaks to Edge. Edge mocks her as the Canadian crowd roars with approval. Edge: "I beat The Undertaker. I beat Batista. I am the WWE World Champion. I am not the biggest, not the smallest and not the strangest. I am just the greatest."

Batista and Chris Benoit versus MVP and Edge

Batista's leg is still taped up. Michael Cole hopes the partisan crowd is cheering Edge because he is from Toronto and not because of his recent actions.

After a commercial break, the match is joined in progress. The King: "Maria is not the sharpest knife in the drawer." After beating MVP from pillar to post, Benoit misses a Swan Dive Headbutt. Edge tags in, punts away on Benoit and gives the field goal sign. Funny stuff, that. The King: "Do they play football in the summer here?" Oh, Jerry. Sigh.

Benoit puts his foot on the ropes to escape an MVP pin. The King calls Benoit a "coward." According to Lawler, Benoit should have "wrestled his way out." Huh? Methinks Lawler screws his crown on a little too tightly in the morning.

Fed up with being a human punching bag, Benoit hot tags Batista. The Animal steamrolls over MVP and powerslams him. Edge flees with the belt. MVP gets a Spinebuster from Batista and a Swan Dive Headbutt from Benoit.

Winners: Batista and Chris Benoit at 8 minutes and 16 seconds.

Match Rating: 2.5 / 5

The BoogeyMan and Mini BoogeyMan versus Fit Finlay and Hornswoggle

WHAT YOU THINK
Your thoughts on Saturday Night's Main Event?
I'll watch 'live' for sure - 30%
I'll tape it - 15%
I don't know - 19%
I won't watch it - 35%
The only original bit of the ... ummm ... short and not so sweet match is when Little Boogie bites, punches and DDTs Finlay as the bigger man is on his knees. Finlay tags Hornswoggle. As Hornswoggle hands his hat to Little Boogey, Finlay drop kicks him right in the mush. Finlay and Hornswoggle dance a jig. Big Boogey chases Hornswoggle out of the ring. Finlay gives a big boot to Little Boogey for the three count.

Winners: Finlay and Hornswoggle at three minutes and 48 seconds.

Match Rating: 1 / 5

The Boogies chase Hornswoggle around the backstage area as Kelly Kelly, Layla, and Brooke dance in the ring. Hornswoggle and Little Boogey crash the party and each pick up a diva on their shoulders. A short chicken fight and chick fight erupts. Who the hell is writing this stuff? It is not funny or even mildly amusing.

Kane, Doink and Eugene versus Kevin Thorn, Viscera and Umaga

Doink is "legendary?" What? The Eugene gimmick still lives in the WWE? What? Thorn with no Ariel. What? Kane ends the agony with a mini Chokeslam on Big Viz.

Winners: Kane, Doink and Eugene at 10 minutes and 21 seconds.

Match Rating: 1 / 5

Overall Event Rating: 2 / 5

RELATED LINKS

  • May 30, 2007 live report: Saturday Night's Main Event spoilers

    John Powell deliberately timed his homecoming to SLAM! Wrestling with the return of The Steiner Brothers. He hopes to draw from their heat. You can contact JP at pow2112@hotmail.com if you want to know if he really is the lost Steiner brother.