May 23, 2007
ECW: New Breed kind of night
By WRITER X - Mystery SLAM! Wrestling correspondent
A masked wrestling writer's work is never done. That being said, Writer X prefers to take Tuesday nights off instead of watching the bastardized show masquerading as ECW.
But when the call goes out for aid, he finds himself strangely compelled to answer. Once again he dons the luchadore mask and powers up Laptop X. If ECW must be covered from the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines, Iowa, than cover it he shall!
Tonight's main event will pit the New Breed combo of Elijah Burke and Marcus Cor Von against Rob Van Dam and CM Punk - whose official nickname should be "The Lone Reason to Watch" once RVD departs. Before we get to that though, we have to bear witness to the devastating power of the man named Snitsky. Oh boy.
Match 1 - Snitsky vs. Tommy Dreamer
When I was typing out the headline for this match, I accidentally typed "Snotsky" instead of Snitsky, which seems quite fitting. A quick recap of last week shows Snitsky roughing up Van Dam, and it seems like the powers that be are going to let him stomp whatever spirit remains out of whatever ECW Originals are left. Dreamer is thrown out to the floor in the early going and sent hard into the ringpost when he returns to the ring. Snitsky misses a big boot, giving Tommy a chance to work over the big man's knees and legs. A DDT earns Dreamer a near fall, but Snitsky whips him into the corner when he tries for an encore. Dreamer gets a boot up to halt Snitsky's charge and tries coming off the middle rope. Snitsky catches him in mid-air with a clothesline and hits a big boot to the face to get the pinfall. Something tells me that would never have put the Innovator of Violence down for the count back in the day. Snitsky gets a chair to attempt to do more damage, but RVD comes running down and heads for the top turnbuckle. He hits a top rope Van Daminator, and Snitsky is left glaring as he retreats.
In case you missed it, a video package recaps Bobby Lashley's victory over Vince McMahon and company for the ECW Championship at Judgment Day. Afterwards, Vince simply refused to return the belt, and the feud continues! That's right kids - no writing necessary. Back in the ring, Extreme Expose introduces the new video by Timbaland and The Hives (yes, you read that right) that throws the WWE Divas into a world that looks like the movie and comic Sin City. Music videos... that's hardcore!
Match 2 - Kevin Thorn vs. Wyatt Lared
When you're a local wrestler like Lared and the only offense you get in is an elbow out of the corner before Thorn pins you with the Original Sin, it's a sad story. I don't like sad stories, so I'm going to use my powers to write an alternate ending to this match:
Alternate ending - Lared escapes the Original Sin and pushed Thorn into the corner face first, stunning him. A high kick to the back of the head puts Thorn on the canvas, and Lared executes a 450 Splash off the top rope to get the pinfall. The crowd goes wild and Lared's old friends from high school carry him out of the ring on their shoulders.
Yep, that's much better. Back in reality, Burke and Cor Von have a quick meeting with their New Breed teammate Matt Striker. Elijah is unhappy with Matt's lack of focus, reminding the teacher that he has a match coming up with one of the Major Brothers. Burke says his patience is wearing thin, and Cor Von says Striker will have a problem if he doesn't step up. Matt assures them he'll get the job done. Uh, Matt, that means something completely different in wrestling.
Match 3 - Matt Striker vs. Brett Major
Tazz says the Majors grew up big fans of the original ECW, which means they must be a little sheepish about starring in the current version. Brett looks good early, using arm whips, a shoulderblock and a standing somersault senton to get a two count. Striker responds with some right hands and a pair of suplexes to get a near fall of his own. Majors hits a sunset flip, but Striker comes right back with a big clothesline. One last burst of offense by Majors includes a back elbow and a big Thesz press. He tries to press it with a dropkick, but Striker slaps it away. Matt uses the Golden Rule to soften Majors up, then puts him away with his version of a DDT.
More video shows us how Lashley ran the gauntlet on Monday's episode of Raw to earn a shot at the belt he already won last pay-per-view. You know, because there's no time for a feud over the ECW Championship on ECW.
Main Event - Rob Van Dam and CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke and Marcus Cor Von
Van Dam locks up with Cor Von, who shoulderblocks RVD to the mat but soon finds himself kicking out from a split-legged moonsault that barely hits him. Burke tags in, and after a series of counters, Punk tags in and hits a springboard clothesline. Punk clears the ring and we step away for a word from our sponsors. During the break, RVD went hard leg-first into the rail, so the heels bear down and work over his left knee. Van Dam has to scurry to kick out of several pinning attempts, but he finally hits an enzuigiri and makes the hot tag to Punk. CM hits a running knee and a bulldog on Burke while RVD fires and misses with a slingshot plancha to the outside. Punk sets up for the Go to Sleep, but Cor Von returns and drops him with a Pounce even though he's not the legal man. The ref calls for the bell as the Alpha Male hits RVD with a Pounce of his own. A New Breed kind of night comes to an end as ECW draws to a close.
No one knows the true identity of Writer X- he simply appears when he is needed. He's considering turning off the X Signal on Tuesdays so he doesn't have to watch the current incarnation of ECW again any time soon. You can discuss this stance at firstname.lastname@example.org.