May 15, 2007
Raw: Goin' back to Khali
By WRITER X - Mystery SLAM! Wrestling correspondent
With Raw reporter Dale Plummer off in Vegas trying desperately to win enough money to stay there, the call goes out once again. And as always, Writer X is ready to answer that call, donning his luchadore mask and manning his trusty laptop.
This week may prove his greatest challenge ever, as the Great Khali is sure to test his writing ability like never before. Will Writer X prevail? Will Dale give in to his increased financial demands? Will we get the Dallas ending and find out the whole Khali angle was all just a (bad) dream? Read on and find out!
Speaking of Khali, he's still in possession of John Cena's WWE Championship. Coming out to his usual mixed reaction, the champ addresses that reality, noting that Khali simply took it and there was nothing he could do about it. He goes on to say that those close to him are saying Judgment Day will be his execution, but Cena isn't planning on waiting that long to get back what's his. And cue the Titan Tron! Khali and his interpreter do the usual boasting, plus make us watch Khali's "highlights"? from the last three weeks. He steals Cena's catchphrase and tells the champ if he wants some, he can come get some. Cena storms backstage but it doesn't go too well: Khali tosses him around like a rag doll, then chokes him out against a rolling door. Not exactly what Cena had in mind, I'm sure.
Match 1 - Jeff Hardy vs. Trevor Murdoch
Some mat wrestling to start the match is supposed to show Murdoch and Lance Cade's new, more sportsmanlike attitude. Murdoch gets the first near fall with a couple of elbows; Hardy responds with a slingshot plancha to the floor. Jeff uses mounted corner punches to soften Murdoch up for a swinging kick, but Trevor moves out of the way. Each combatant gets a two count, but Hardy looks like he's ready to end things with a Swanton Bomb. Murdoch gets his knees up on the attempt but can't get the pinfall. A dazed Hardy manages to use an inside cradle to steal the win, and true to his new attitude, Murdoch shakes his hand after the match. My X-Sense still says Cade and Murdoch can't be trusted.
From X-Sense to common sense... or lack thereof. The second in what I can only guess is a series of video packages airs to promote the return of Snitsky. Yes, he's big, he's kind of scary looking, he must get a push! Oh yeah, and now that he's bald, he may get some younger fans asking for his autograph because they've mistaken him for Kane. So he's got that going for him. More video shows Bobby Lashley taking some of his frustration out on Jonathan Coachman last week, setting the stage for a match between the two men tonight. Coach gets a pep talk from Vince and Shane McMahon and Umaga. Actually, Umaga doesn't do much talking. But Coachman feels better knowing the three men will be in his corner tonight.
Match 2 - Santino Marella (champion) vs. Chris Masters (challenger) - Intercontinental Title Match
Masters tries to end things early with a Master Lock, but Marella escapes only to fall victim to a pair of backbreakers. The champ kicks out and fires a series of kicks but gets dropped by a big clothesline. Masters starts to show his frustration because he can't get his finishing hold applied. On his third attempt, Marella slides away and rolls his challenger up to get the duke. A furious Masters beats the champ down after the bell and finally gets his favorite hold locked in.
It can't be Raw without more pimping of The Condemned. I was curious to find out how the film is actually doing, so I sent my sidekick, Kid X, to look up the box office stats on the internets. Turns out Stone Cold has managed to bring in about $7 million so far, and while I don't know how much the movie cost to make, I'm guessing it's already turning a profit. Nice job. Now stop jamming it down our throats! Melina joins the announcers for the next match, thrilling Jerry Lawler by doing her ring entrance on the table.
Match 3 - Candice Michelle vs. Victoria
Not as much a match as an excuse for Melina to act catty toward Candice. A spinning heel kick takes Victoria down and gives the GoDaddy.com girl another win. You know, because she's a credible wrestler now. Or something.
New heavyweight champion Edge comes to the ring to deliver his farewell address, as he'll soon be plying his trade on Smackdown. He brags about having the greatest week ever, winning the Money in the Bank briefcase from Mr. Kennedy and cashing it in on Undertaker after he just went through a steel cage match with Batista and an attack by (wait for it) Mark Henry. Edge thought about leaving the fans with one last great Edge match but decided they weren't worth it. He turns to leave but is surprised by the appearance of Shawn Michaels. HBK manages to goad Edge into one last match after all, much to the delight of the Hampton, Virginia fans.
Todd Grisham doesn't get to do much interviewing as his set is invaded by Shane McMahon and Lashley. Reminding Bobby that he can't touch any of the McMahons unless they physically provoke him, he gets in Lashley's face and wishes him a sarcastic good luck for his match with Coachman. Shane blows him a kiss on the way out. No, really.
Match 4 - Jonathan Coachman vs. Bobby Lashley
I'll give Coach this much: he's got enough testicular fortitude to slap Lashley. Sadly, that's about all the offense he gets in. Lashley hurts him with a torture rack backbreaker and pins him with a spear. Shane and Umaga jump in to attack Lashley, meaning it's okay for him to retaliate. And he does, tossing Shane to the floor and spearing Umaga. Bobby turns his attention to Vince and chases him around the ring, where he runs right into Shane's clothesline. Shane-O-Mac takes off through the crowd, but Lashley pursues him to the back. Shane barely manages to escape by jumping into a moving limo through the sunroof, and Lashley turns to give up the chase. One problem: Vince is waiting for him, and he gets clobbered by a shot from the ECW belt.
Match 5 - Carlito vs. Val Venis
Ah yes, whenever a feud needs a generic face to do the job, Venis is always a top option. He starts out strong, hitting Carlito with some running knees and a Russian leg sweep. The action goes back and forth until Venis connects with a half nelson slam and climbs up top to look for the Money Shot. Carlito recovers quickly though, and he uses the backcracker to score the pinfall. But a familiar entrance theme brings out Ric Flair, running (as best he can) down to the ring. Carlito flees through the crowd, putting off his confrontation with the old man for the time being.
Randy Orton stops by to wish Michaels luck in his match with Orton's former tag team partner. HBK cuts him off, but Orton has another message: he thinks he can beat Michaels. Long story short, the two of them will now face off at Judgment Day. Because something has to fill up the time left over from what's bound to be a pretty short Great Khali match. Is there any other kind? Lawler and J.R. run down the pay-per-view card, freshly updated with the Orton-Michaels bout.
Main Event - Edge vs. Shawn Michaels
HBK gains the upper hand with some early mat wrestling, but Edge is able to fight his way out. Michaels hits a swinging neckbreaker and introduces Edge's head to a couple of the turnbuckles. A Thesz press off the apron has Shawn in command as we head to a commercial. Things aren't quite as happy for him when we return, as Edge has used the time away to take advantage of HBK's recent concussion by hitting him repeatedly in the head. Edge has Michaels in submission holds several times but the Showstoppa won't quit. Finally Edge decides to go up top, where he misses a high cross body. Michaels rallies with his usual late-match offense, punctuating it with a top rope elbow. Sweet Chin Music finds its mark and HBK sends Edge to Smackdown a loser. Shawn gets no time to celebrate though, as Orton runs down to assault him. One kick to the crotch and one to the head leave Michaels flat on his face, with Orton staring him down as the show goes off the air. I guess that's one way to build up a feud you just started tonight!
No one knows the true identity of Writer X- he simply appears when he is needed. It is strange, though, that he and columnist Nick Tylwalk have never been seen in the same room at the same time. You can discuss this coincidence with Writer X at firstname.lastname@example.org.