May 9, 2007
ECW: Vince continues the spirit killing
By MATT MACKINDER - SLAM! Wrestling
ECW is in a sad state right now. Let's see how bad Rob Van Dam gets to look tonight in his 3-on-1 Handicap Match with Vince McMahon and his goons.
Tuesday Night McMahon starts with a video from earlier today in the parking lot at Pittsburgh's Mellon Arena. Bobby Lashley arrives, but is met by Armando Alejandro Estrada, in a wheelchair, and four rent-a-cops, er, police officers. Estrada says Vince banned him from the building and he can't touch Estrada. Lashley pushes AAE down a hill and into a garbage stack, turns to the cops and tells them to arrest him. So they do. Not much to this opening segment.
Match # 1 - CM Punk vs. "The Alpha Male" Marcus Cor Von w/ Elijah Burke
Before the match, it's announced that Punk and Burke will collide at Judgment Day. As the match begins, a scrolling message at the bottom of the screen announces the World Heavyweight title switch with Edge becoming the new title holder. Guess Internet spoilers forced WWE's hand here. Anyway, Monty and Punk go to the floor early and back inside, MCV wears down Punk with a couple bear hugs. Punk rallies with kicks and a bulldog, but sells a rib injury and can't make the cover. Punk goes for a tornado DDT, but gets pitched to the floor and met with a kick to the ribs by Burke. Punk crawls back in at the nine count and gets met with the Pounce for a three count.
Winner via pinfall: Marcus Cor Von
Edge winning the Money In The Bank briefcase last night on Raw from Mr. Kennedy is shown again and Tazz and Joey Styles mention again that "moments ago," Edge won the World Heavyweight title, but no mention of details. They want you to go to WWE.com.
Yet ANOTHER preview for the box office bomb Stone Cold movie is shown next. Face it, people, previews and trailers can't save this flick.
Match # 2 – The Sandman vs. Snitsky
Best part of this match was the "Who Farted?" sign that Sandman passed on his way through the crowd. Sadly, Sandman is now a glorified jobber. The match goes maybe 60 seconds and Gene wins with the big boot. Bore.
Winner via pinfall: Snitsky
Vince, Shane McMahon and Umaga are backstage rambling about something. I wasn't paying attention. Vince in a doo-rag is just utterly ridiculous.
Extreme Exposé is next and even their Pittsburgh Steelers' jerseys look horrible on them as the "dance" to Toxic by Britney Spears. Whole segment is brutality personified.
The Lashley-McMahon feud is recapped again with clips from Backlash and Raw last night. Geez, any more Vince air time and I won't have anything left but the dry heaves.
Burke and a solemn Matt Striker chat in the back. Burke says he has a match with one of the Major Brothers next and he'll show Teach how it's done.
Match # 3 – Brian Major w/ Brett Major vs. Elijah Burke w/ Matt Striker
Styles says Punk went for X-rays before the match, a match that was OK, but as Major goes for the second rope springboard bodypress, Burke ducks and nails the Stroke, um, I mean the Elijah Experience, and gets the duke.
Winner via pinfall: Elijah Burke
Kevin Thorn and Ariel are in some room and Thorn asks Ariel to see what is in the cards for him. She reveals chaos and turmoil, but Thorn says his future was never with The New Breed and his future isn't in the cards; it's with fresh blood. Um, OK.
Match # 4 – Handicap Match - Rob Van Dam vs. ECW champion Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon and Umaga
Is this a title match? I thought that was the whole reason the Originals had to have a Four-Way Dance last week. Tazz goes psychologically insane by saying the ECW belt looks good on Vince. I then realize we're out of vodka. This match, because Vince is not a wrestler, is essentially RVD against Shane and Umaga. Come to think of it, Umaga is a pretty horrid wrestler, too. Umaga lands a leg drop on RVD and tags in Vince, who gets a two-count and tags back out. He then hits a Samoan Drop, tags Vince back in, but another two only means the chairman tags out again.
Shane interferes from the apron, but Tazz says that's legal in a Handicap Match. Later, Umaga is down and RVD goes up feeling froggy. With the ref distracted, Shane crotches Van Dam. Why would the ref need to be distracted if outside interference is OK in a Handicap Match? In any event, blah, blah, blah, Shane superplexes RVD, Umaga splashes and nails the Samoan Spike on RVD and the boss tags in for a botched pin attempt that sees RVD's shoulder come up on two. The ref notes this to Vince, who re-pins RVD for the win.
Winners via pinfall: Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon and Umaga
Sabu and Tommy Dreamer rush the ring to aid RVD. Styles asks if Vince McMahon just killed the spirit of ECW and to that I reply, "ECW was killed last June, Joey."
Tuesday Night McMahon continues to be a bore. Do you agree? Email Matt at firstname.lastname@example.org.