The CM Punk saga comes to a close tonight on ECW as he'll decide whether to join the ECW Originals or The New Breed. I hope my gut feeling isn't the right one.
Live from Providence, R.I., Vince McMahon (I'm rolling my eyes) struts to the ring and says he'll get his dignity back at Backlash when he becomes the ECW champion by beating Bobby Lashley. Sure, Vince. If that happens, I'll write a positive comment about you on this very website. McMahon shows video footage of last night on Raw and 10 minutes into the show, I still have to watch VKM babble on and on. Vince ends this pointless promo by saying he'll make Lashley's life a living hell (he already barred him from the building) and all of the fan's lives a living hell as well.
Punk is backstage shadow boxing and is interrupted by Rob Van Dam and Elijah Burke. Both want Punk in their respective factions. Burke tells RVD that Punk will make a decision next week, but Punk says he's making his decision this week. I have a bad feeling about all this.
Match # 1 – Tommy Dreamer vs. Kevin Thorn w/ Ariel
Dreamer is limping and favoring his back while Thorn is favoring his neck as a result of last week's Eight-Man Extreme Rules tag match. Punk watches this match backstage. Both Thorn and Dreamer nail spinebusters on one another until, for no apparent reason, Ariel distracts the ref as Dreamer heads to the top rope. Thorn crotches Dreamer and hits the Dark Kiss for the duke.
Winner via pinfall: Kevin Thorn
Extreme Exposé are in the back and the gals get confronted by Snitsky from behind. He just stares at each of them before they all scatter. Pointless.
The obligatory preview for, as Dale Plummer puts it, The Running Man, er, The Condemned airs next. We've all seen these previews for weeks, so I won't go into detail. It's out in theaters April 27.
It is now 10:30 and we've had one match. My eyelids are getting heavy.
Snitsky breaking Hardcore Holly's arm last week is shown and Tazz and Joey Styles say Holly will be having surgery and they wish him a speedy recovery.
Match # 2 – CM Punk vs. Stevie Richards
Matt Striker, holding his ribs, and The Sandman, with his Singapore cane, come to ringside to take in the action. Striker and Sandman get into a verbal spat on the floor and Sandman swings the cane, Striker ducks and Sandman clocks Punk in the back. Richards schoolboys Punk, but Punk reverses it for the three.
Winner via pinfall: CM Punk
Why do I get the feeling that was Punk's last match as a face? Sandman enters the ring and tries to explain what happened as we head to a commercial. Now?
The song for the ladies to flop around to this week is Throw It On Me by Timbaland featuring The Hives. Crowd's dead and dammit, I don't have to pee. DOES ANYONE CARE ENOUGH TO WATCH THIS GARBAGE??? If so, shoot me an email and explain yourself so I can recommend you for a psychiatric evaluation.
As the gals finish, Snitsky comes down. Brooke and Kelly Kelly realize to escape, you go through the ropes, but Layla bounces off the ropes and rolls around on the mat. Snitsky is about to attack when Balls Mahoney cracks Gene with a chair. Snitsky shakes it off and KO's Balls with the big boot.
Match # 3 – Rob Van Dam w/ Sabu vs. "The Alpha Male" Marcus Cor Von w/ Elijah Burke
Sabu is wearing a neck brace. That's just an FYI. Burke cracks me up the way he taunts and teases the fans. A pretty uneventful match that sees numerous restholds by MCV and numerous kicks from RVD. Burke mugs Sabu on the floor and puts him out with a spike DDT. Van Dam chases Burke, but as he gets back in the ring, Cor Von lays into RVD with the shoulder tackle and hooks the leg for the pin.
Winner via pinfall: Marcus Cor Von
Punk's music hits and he hauls down to ringside to check on Sabu. He then jumps in the ring ready to square off with Burke and Cor Von. He takes his hands down, looks at the crowd and shakes Burke's hand. I half-expected a cheap clothesline here, but Striker and Thorn run down and hoist the newest New Breed member up on their shoulders as Punk looks like he just won the lottery. The crowd, on the other hand, doesn't seem to care. There aren't a ton of boos, nor are there any objects tossed in the ring. No real cheers either. Ah well, nice writing, Vince.
This was the bad feeling I had. How does Punk's push go on now? As a heel? Only thing I can see is that at a future pay-per-view (One Night Stand?) he beats Lashley. Guess we'll just have to stay tuned.
Matt Mackinder just doesn't get WWE writing and storylines sometimes. Do you? Email Matt at email@example.com.