March 7, 2007
ECW: Stone Cold in the house
By MATT MACKINDER - SLAM! Wrestling
Welcome to 1998 as Vince McMahon and Stone Cold Steve Austin are featured on tonight's ECW show live from Tucson, Arizona.
First off, I received an email last week from a "Seth" saying I shouldn't watch ECW because all I do is bash it and all wrestling journalists do is complain. He said I should apply to WWE and become a writer, to which I replied that if Seth thinks he can do better than me at finding positives and writing a recap, be my guest. So, Seth, I'm calling you out, brother.
Tonight's show begins with the, you guessed it, recaps from the past two week's worth of McMahon-Trump events on Raw, ECW and SmackDown. If WrestleMania is going to be centered on these shenanigans, I think McMahon is desperate.
The chairman hits the ring and the crowd almost immediately serenades him with the "What?" chants and he stumbles over his words at times. Vince brings up the "billionaire bitch slap" references yet again and shows the footage of him slapping ECW champ Bobby Lashley last Friday night no fewer than two dozen times. I got up to let the dog outside and when I came back this footage was still being shown. McMahon then says that Lashley apologized to him earlier in the day, but McMahon wouldn't accept the apology unless Lashley did it in front of the public. Lashley comes out and apologizes, extends his hand to McMahon, but brings Vinnie Mac to his knees squeezing his hand and says if McMahon ever puts his hands on him again that he'll break him in half. It's now 10:15 and so far, it's the Tuesday Night McMahon Show. Desperation I tell ya.
It's now 10:20 and we're forced to sit through an Ashley video package. Why? Every man with a pulse that watches WWE knows she's the Playboy cover girl. We get it.
Match # 1 -- Balls Mahoney vs. Hardcore Holly
Say hello to Balls Mahoney, enhancement talent. Only good part of this match is when Joey Styles says Balls needs some new shorts and maybe he'll get some for Christmas. Tazz replies with, "So, then we can sing 'Deck the halls with Balls and Holly?'" Classic. Mahoney misses a top-rope leg drop and Holly nails the Alabama Slam for the quick three count.
Winner via pinfall: Hardcore Holly
Cue the Snitsky run-in. Yawn. I went to let the pooch back in at this point.
Rebecca and her brutal interview skills are backstage with CM Punk. He hypes Money In The Bank and says he's facing Mr. Kennedy on Smackdown this Friday. Elijah Burke interrupts and asks Punk to join the New Breed. Rob Van Dam joins the party and says Burke can't spell "ECW." RVD says he'll show Burke what ECW is all about when they square off next.
Match # 2 -- Rob Van Dam vs. Elijah Burke
RVD comes out with ECW Originals Sabu, Tommy Dreamer and The Sandman, while Burke has Matt Striker, Marcus Cor Von and Kevin Thorn and Ariel by his side. RVD hits a cross body on Burke, who was against the ropes, but RVD hits the floor a good five seconds before Burke. All eight men faceoff outside as we go to a commercial break. Back from the break, the match goes back and forth with several near-falls. RVD hits the split-legged moonsault, then a kick and the Five-Star Frog Splash for the pin.
Winner via pinfall: Rob Van Dam
Dreamer grabs the mic and challenges the New Breed to a match at WrestleMania. That match will either be dynamite or brutal. With Sabu and Sandman working stiff, I'll go for the latter.
Members of the Chicago White Sox are sitting ringside and the camera tries to avoid A.J. Pierzynski until Tazz makes mention of the sometimes-TNA participant.
The Nick Bockwinkel Hall of Fame announcement runs and, being a 1980s mark, I actually know who he is and have seen dozens of his matches. What percentage of the younger audience nowadays can say that?
Bathroom break -- Extreme Exposé "dances" to Sean Paul's Temperature. If these gals do this crap at WrestleMania, I'm done with wrestling.
It's now 10:55 and Stone Cold heads to the ring. Wow, two whole matches tonight. Maybe the 'W' in ECW should stand for "Waste."
Austin gets a huge ovation and once he has the mic, the crowd is in the palm of his hand. He gets a beer from the "bartender" at ringside and says at WrestleMania, he'll call the match down the middle. Hey, he did it for Goldberg and Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania 20, so why not an encore?
Stone Cold asks fans at ringside, including White Sox third baseman Joe Crede, who they want to win at WrestleMania. They all say Lashley and Trump. Then Austin asks some idiot his opinion and the kid cuts a "Gimme a Hell Yeah" promo on the fans. Vintage Austin, though, has him asking a fan named "Nick," whom Austin refers to as "Dick" who he'd like to see bald. Stone Cold finishes up his spot by saying if anyone gets in his way in Detroit, they'll get a Stunner for their efforts. He adds he'll be at the contract signing next Monday in Washington, D.C. and ends the show with a series of beer bashes. The crowd is on its feet.
Maybe next week we'll have more wrestling and less boredom and less Vince McMahon, though Austin has never been boring.
Well, Seth, what did you think about that?
Matt Mackinder wants to be the guy that tosses Stone Cold his "Steveweisers." Email Matt at firstname.lastname@example.org.