even have to watch ECW (AKA Tuesday Night Velocity) to write this recap. This garbage show will probably have girls dancing, a stale title match, CM Punk's push getting stalled, Hardcore Holly's push continuing and my eyelids getting heavier by the second.
Am I right? At 10:30 can I just change the channel to MTV and watch Wrestling Society X? Please?
Tonight's atrocity from Houston starts with Vince McMahon walking backstage. He finds Monty, er, Marquis Cor Von and calls him a "breath of
fresh air." Vince then comes across The Sandman killing a case of Budweiser and admonishes him for drinking on the job. Vince sings the 1950s jingle Mr. Sandman and jets.
Match # 1 – CM Punk vs. Matt Striker
In a rematch from two weeks ago, these two have a so-so match. Punk tries a sunset flip from the apron, but Striker sits out and grabs the middle rope to get the pin in an overused finish.
Winner via pinfall: Matt Striker
CM Punk's push getting stalled? Check.
Mr. McMahon finds Tommy Dreamer backstage and says he doesn't deal in dreams, but reality.
Match # 2 – Rob Van Dam vs. Hardcore Holly
Both hit their usual spots, including Holly coming off the top rope for no apparent reason. Holly counters a monkey flip into a power bomb, but RVD rallies to get Holly on the mat, only to miss the Five-Star Frog Splash. Holly takes advantage with the Alabama Slam out of nowhere and gets the clean
Winner via pinfall: Hardcore Holly
Hardcore Holly's push continues? Check.
Vince runs into Sabu and thinks he's in Afghanistan. He then tells his security guards that Sabu is a member of the Taliban. No one ever accused Vince of being politically correct. McMahon next finds Balls Mahoney and says with a name like Mahoney (and not McMahon), his ancestors must be from Northern
Ireland, which isn't a real country. Vince adds that with a first name like Balls, he wants to find out later whether or not he has any. Mahoney just laughs.
Extreme Exposé is in the ring and gyrates to Stripped's Dirty before McMahon's music hits and he heads to the ring.
Girls dancing? Check.
McMahon ushers the gals and his security guards out of the ring. He then says the original ECW sucks, the ECW Originals suck and anyone who is a fan of the old ECW sucks. Of course, this gets a "You Suck" chant from the crowd,
but for the most part, the crowd is quiet. McMahon introduces Elijah Burke and calls him the epitome of the new ECW. Burke comes out and inflates VKM's ego a tad and adds all the ECW Originals will feel his wrath. I'm cringing. And the crowd is DEAD.
Sandman, Dreamer, Balls and Sabu all rush the ring separately and Vince bails. All nail their finishing moves on Burke, culminating in Sabu landing an Extreme Arabian Facebuster through a table as McMahon grimaces from the aisle.
Match # 3 – ECW World Title Match – ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Test
Again? Come on. If you saw the match last week and the match at the Royal Rumble, you're not missing much here. Lashley barely breaks a sweat in winning with the Bulldog powerslam.
Winner via pinfall: Bobby Lashley
Lashley kicks Test to the floor and then the lights go out and the gong sounds. The lights come back on and The Undertaker is in the ring. He and Lashley have a staredown before Test enters the ring with a chair. Undertaker intercepts Test and, glaring at Lashley, choke slams Test to the mat. 'Taker makes the championship belt gesture and keeps on glaring at the champ as the show ends with Joey Styles saying at WrestleMania 23, it'll be Undertaker challenging Lashley for the ECW World title.
Stale title match? Check.
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Steve Williams Book: How Dr. Death Became Dr. Life
Matt Mackinder's checklist for the night is complete. Email Matt at email@example.com.