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Raw: Cena's New Year's hangover
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling


Happy New Year, as Monday Night Raw comes to us from Miami. And what does WWE kick the year off with? Kevin Federline versus John Cena, ugh, someone pass me the aspirin.

Match # 1 -- Kevin Federline w/ Johnny Nitro vs. John Cena -- No DQ

Lillian Garcia introduces K-Fed with a litany of his "accomplishments" (which he had to have written himself, and with no mention of marrying Britney?). Fed-ex walks out on stage and announces that he has talked to Coachman and now the match is no disqualifications. (This guy is an entertainer; he can't even cut a decent program. I'm about two weeks away from calling this punk out myself.) Fed-ex laces up a pair of martial arts gloves and boxing headgear. The champ offers a free shot, and K-Fed locks in a headlock. Cena picks him up and drops him. Fed-ex loses the headgear and gloves. Nitro slides in a chair, for an impromptu Masterlock challenge. Cena easily breaks the hold. K-Fed wants a test of strength; Cena sets him up on the turnbuckle. Nitro runs in, and Cena tosses him from the ring. K-Fed hits a low blow, but Cena still sets him up for an F-U. Umaga and Estrada hit the ring, and takes out the champ with a shot from the title belt. Fed-ex makes the covers and gets the three count.

Winner via pinfall: Kevin Federline

Fed-ex and Nitro head back to his locker room to party. Maria tries to get an interview, but is cut off by Melina, who takes offense to Maria asking if the match was tainted. Melina slaps Maria and challenges her to a match later tonight.

During the celebration, Coach books a match for tonight. Nitro, Umaga, Estrada, and Coach in a handicapped match against Cena.

Members of the Miami Heat are in the house. Cryme Tyme gives Shaq props, and I think they lift his wallet.

Match #2 -- Cryme Tyme and The Highlanders vs. The World's Greatest Tag Team and Cade & Murdoch

Rory and Cade start things off. Rory hits a cross body for a one count, and tags in JTG. Murdoch trips up JTG coming off the ropes. Haas tags in, whipping JTG into the corner, and hits a double arm suplex. Murdoch slams JTG and drops an elbow. JTG rolls away from a flying elbow from Cade, and Big Shad gets the hot tag. Shad hits a back suplex on Murdoch. The Highlanders clears the ring, and Shad hits a jawbreaker on Murdoch. The redneck staggers, and JTG hands him on the top rope, allowing Shad to get the pin.

Winner via pinfall: Cryme Tyme and The Highlanders

Match #3 -- Jeff Hardy vs. Rob Conway

Conway walks out and says he won't be anyone's whipping boy anymore. He made a resolution to be a winner, and he promises to quit if he can't beat Jeff Hardy.

Conway starts off with punches and whips Hardy into the corner. Jeff leaps onto the turnbuckle and hits a sunset flip. Hardy gets the three count.

Winner via pinfall: Jeff Hardy

Vince McMahon immediately hits the ring. After comparing himself to Donald Trump, Vince promptly fires Conway.

Todd Grisham asks Kenny Dykstra why he refused to shake Flair's hand. Kenny says the Nature Boy was only trying to save face. Dykstra says he is the future of RAW, and tonight he will kill Flair's career.

DX come to the ring. Hunter and Shawn tell Edge and Orton that on Sunday they will kick their newly found grapefruits down their throats. Edge and Orton won't get the fun DX; they're getting the ruthless side.

Match #4 -- Melina vs. Maria

Victoria joins JR and The King, and her list has another slot on it to fill.

Melina punches Maria and then ties her hair in the ropes. Melina kicks away at Maria. Melina is cut off by a boot from Maria, and then she drops Melina into the second rope. Melina goes for a roll-up and gets the pin.

Winner via pinfall: Melina

After the match, Victoria slides into the ring, but lets Melina walk off. Victoria then attacks Lillian Garcia. Mickie James makes the save before Victoria can hit the Widow's Peak.

Match #5 -- Ric Flair and Carlito w/ Torrie vs. Chris Masters and Kenny Dykstra

Carlito and Masters start off. Masters immediately tags in Dykstra. Carlito hits a hurricanrana. Masters tags back in, missing an elbow. Flair tags in, and hits a series of chops. Flair goes for the figure four, but Kenny breaks it up. After the break, Kenny and Carlito trade chops. Kenny catches Carlito with a reverse elbow. Masters tags in and hits a double under hook suplex, and then a military press on Carlito. Masters is taken down with a springboard back elbow. Kenny pulls Flair off the apron, and whips him into the steps. Masters locks in the Masterlock, but Flair makes the save with a chop block. Dykstra tags in, as does Flair. Naitch hits several knife-edge chops. Carlito clears Masters from the ring. Kenny goes for the figure four, but Flair counters. Kenny slams into the corner. Dykstra covers Flair and puts his feet on the ropes.

Winner via pinfall: Chris Masters and Kenny Dykstra

Flair wants to keep going, but Team RKO hit the ring. Orton nails Flair with an RKO, and Edge hits the one-man con-chair-to.

Match #6 -- John Cena vs. Umaga, Armando Alejandro Estrada, Coach, and Nitro

K-Fed joins the announce table. He says he shocked the world by beating John Cena. The champ and Umaga trade punches. A shoulder blocks sends Umaga to the mat. Umaga charges Cena, but is sent over the top rope. Nitro tags in, and is tossed into the ring post. Umaga hits a Samoan drop, and drags the champ into the corner. Cena gets his knees up on a drop, and starts to clear the ring. A drop toehold takes down Umaga, and Cena locks in the STF-U. Estrada tries to make the save with a chair, but Cena grabs it. Umaga is tattooed with a chair shot, and the ref calls for the bell.

Winner via DQ : Umaga, Armando Alejandro Estrada, Coach, and Nitro

After the match, its F-U's for everyone; first Nitro, the Coach. Cena grabs Fed-ex and tosses him into the ring. Cena nails him with an F-U, and then stares down Umaga as the show ends.


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  • Spectacular History of the AWA DVD Set
    Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003. Dale is hoping there is a promo cut on JR next week since Boise State beat Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl. Email Dale at Dplummer627@yahoo.com.