November 22, 2006
ECW: Extreme Rules returns!
By MATT MACKINDER - SLAM! Wrestling
How does ECW even get ratings? I guess some people really get geared up for third-rate wrestling these days. The show brings two WWE stars to tonight's show and in my mind, that will probably be the lone highlight as I try to avoid tying a noose and hanging myself from my front porch.
My wife wouldn't appreciate that either. She'd say she doesn't know how to put the gutters back up.
A recap is shown from last week's show in the United Kingdom as Bobby Lashley entered himself into the Extreme Elimination Chamber at December To Dismember. Tazz and Joey Styles welcome the hundred or so sad souls who watch the show to Long Island and announce the main event is a, hold on, the main event is, oh can it really be, the main event is a ... a ... an Extreme Rules Match between Rob Van Dam and Hardcore Holly. And the Hardy Boyz will tag for the first time in more than four years. Pop quiz -- when WAS the last time Matt and Jeff teamed together? Email me.
Matt Striker is in the ring with his chalk board and desk and already I'm starting to doze on the couch. Striker gets cheap heat by slamming the New York City school system. Lashley comes out and apparently we have our first squash, I mean match.
Match # 1 -- Bobby Lashley vs. Matt Striker
A spear and a Dominator win it for Bobby Lesnar, er, Bobby Lashley.
Winner via pinfall: Bobby Lashley
Last night's Intercontinental Title Ladder Match between Jeff Hardy and Johnny Nitro on Raw is recapped with Jeff of course getting the win.
Match # 2 -- Team Xtreme vs. The Full Blooded Italians w/Trinity
Styles calls this a historic match. I call it the only thing to keep me awake tonight. Matt and Little Guido start out and the brothers double team and tag in and out in the early going. Jeff starts to favor his lower back, but makes the hot tag to Matt who nails the Side Effect on Tony Mamaluke and the two then hit a sweet power bomb neckbreaker off the top rope on Mamaluke, who rolls to the floor. A Twist of Fate and a Swanton Bomb seal Guido's fate as Matt gets the pin.
Winners via pinfall: Team Xtreme
RVD is in the back stretching and Paul Heyman walks in to tell Van Dam he admires him, even though he should suspend him for defying his orders and showing up last week. Heyman then adds a stipulation to the main event: if Holly wins, he takes RVD's spot in the Chamber.
A quick Sabu video package is shown to, I guess, hype the Chamber match some more.
Match # 3 -- CM Punk vs. Kevin Thorn
Ariel's screams are piercing. And annoying. Almost Melina-like. Thorn puts Punk in a Boston Crab, but Kelly Kelly runs down and inspires Punk to power out. Punk nails a cool armbar leg sweep into the Anaconda Vice and the vampire taps quickly.
Winner via submission: CM Punk
Thorn and Ariel then attack from behind and Ariel beating on Kelly looks awful. Anyone care to train Kelly anytime soon to, I don't know, sell a move? The faces mount a comeback and Kelly and Punk embrace in the ring as Mike Knox looks like he's ready to cry on the stage.
The Big Show and Heyman are in the ring and the crowd starts the "What?" chant every time the ECW champ speaks. He asks the crowd if they have a hearing problem and says to leave it to Nassau to be five years behind. Show runs down the men he's defeated as champion, only to have Lashley jaunt down to exchange blows with Show. Lashley knocks the champ from the ring with his own belt and poses in the ring.
More Chamber hype and God, I hope this Extreme Elimination Chamber lives up to at least a tenth of the hype.
Match # 4 -- Extreme Rules -- Rob Van Dam vs. Hardcore Holly
Backstage, Test reminds Holly of what RVD "did to him" with the 20 stitches (I thought it was 24) in his back a few months ago and that if he wins, he's in. I love how the announcers and wrestlers, I mean, Extremists, will have us believe RVD suplexed Holly through a table when in fact it was Holly that suplexed Van Dam through a table, but simply got the worst of it. Ridiculous.
Typical (read: predictable, boring) RVD match from the start. Van Dam leg drops Holly on the ringside barrier and we head to commercial. Back in the ring, a chair is wedged between the top and middle rope and I bet you $1 million that Holly doesn't take it in the melon. RVD lands a leg drop onto Holly from the apron and seems to have hurt his wrist. Holly pulls RVD into the chair (I told ya!) and then gives Van Dam a Hotshot onto the chair.
Holly hits a knee drop from the top onto RVD, with a chair on his face, but goes outside to take the belt off the timekeeper. Holly whips RVD and let me just say that throughout this match, the crowd was dead -- Charlie Haas dead, people. As in pretty much silent.
Van Dam regroups with his usual amount of end-of-match offense. He nails Rolling Thunder with a chair on Holly's chest and then superplexes Holly onto that same chair. Van Dam puts the chair on Holly and a Five-Star Frog Splash seconds later keeps RVD in the Chamber.
Winner via pinfall: Rob Van Dam
Ever seen the movie Airplane? Matt Mackinder feels like each person Robert Hays meets on the plane every Tuesday night. Email Matt at email@example.com.