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Smackdown: A-1 matches better "A-list" celebs
By JON WALDMAN -- SLAM! Wrestling


We've got a title match on this week's Smackdown, plus an I Quit Smackdown match, as well as a few special surprises. Needless to say, it will be an interesting night.

Match 1 - MVP vs. Kane

Okay, this is the first time I've seen MVP in his bodysuit, and I have to say, you all are wrong; he doesn't look like a power ranger - he looks more like a member of the Ice Capades.

The match continues with a very, very average match until Kane gets the usual flying clothesline to set up the chokeslam. MVP gets out of it by kicking below the belt. Really though, he was just attempting a triple sowcow.

Winner: Kane (DQ)

Backstage, King Booker's getting taped up in preparation for his title defence while Batista stretches.

Back from break, Mindy Sterling, who apparantly was in the Austin Powers movies, is shown in the front row. Yep, that's definitely another A-list celeb.

Match 2 - Elijah Burke vs. Vito

Vito's dressed as a french maid this week. Lovely.

Burke does extremely well for himself, pulling off several impressive manuvers, including Move #703 (Buffalo Armbar). Vito eventually signals for the Armani Lock, but Burke cheaps his way out before Turkay gets the Yakuza Kick from the outside, allowing Burke to get the duke.

Winner: Elijah Burke

Backstage, Matt Hardy and Gregory Helms have a little discussion. End result, somehow, is Teddy Long making a math between Helms and the Undertaker.

Elsewhere, William Regal rants about being Smackdown's whipping boy, saying he will not be a dormat and will now be teaming with Dave Taylor.

Elsewhere, Booker watches tape from past matches with Batista.

Match 3 - William Regal/Dave Taylor vs. Funaki/Scotty II Hottie

For those who don't remember, or weren't around, Regal and Taylor were teammates in WCW. There was a third member of that crew, but I can't remember who it was off-hand, though I'm sure one of you will remind me.

The Englishmen get in some wicked offence here on Funaki, keeping it extremely stiff in the British style. Tons of technical moves here, capped with a double underook floatover for the pin by Taylor.

Winners: Regal/Taylor

Post-match, Funaki and Scotty execute more punishment.

Match 4 - Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo Guerrero (I Quit match)

No white contacts tonight, so it's dead-serious Mysterio.

We go outside quickly with a Rope Flip Hilo by Rey after he dumped Chavito to the outside. Mysterio continues an impressive beating on Guerrero. We go back into the ring and Mysterio gets the Dreamer Dropkick, but Chavo still won't quit. The momentum swings thanks to Vicki Guerrero, with a concentration on the knee, including the Canadian Maple Leaf and the harshest knee bashing with a chair since Steve Austin on you-know-who. Chavo, in fact, goes one better, Pillmanizing the knee with a Frog Splash(!). Okay, this is getting up to serious ECW levels of self-inflicted insanity.

We head back outside and Chavo conintues with the chair, until Mysterio gets the advantage with a suplex on the steel grating, then getting an enzeguri to Chavito, sending him off the ramp. Rey follows with a Lou Thesz Press (not a seated senton, Cole) off the ramp onto the concrete (or as the rest of us call it, boards that cover the hockey rink below). Rey gets Chavo then into a seated Crippler Crossface(!) and Guerrero still does not quit. Mysterio then chokes Chavo with the chair, and there's still no quit.

Chavo eventually gets the momentum again and beats Mysterio along the steel boxes. Mysterio eventually starts scaling the set on the ground. Bad move, as chavito uses this to his advantage and gets Rey in the Tree of Woe. Chavito goes Maivia with the chair until Mysterio quits. Seriously, that was an easy 7.5 out of 10 on the old scale.

Winner: Chavo Guerrero

Post-match, Mysterio gets taken away on a stretcher.

Match 5 - Undertaker vs. Gregory Helms

Undertaker has the match well in hand until Ken Kennedy comes in, and, of course, gets beat up as well. Yep, they're really putting Kennedy over 'Taker aren't they?

Chokeslam and Tombstone end this quickly.

Winner: Undertaker

Post-match, Kennedy attacks again with little success.

Backstage, the champ and challenger prepare more.

Back from break, the Miz comes in the ring to annoy me. Hmm... maybe he is the real Most Annoying Diva Ever.

So the point of this crappiness is a dance-off between Michelle McCool, Kristal, Jillian Hall, Layla El and Ashley Massaro. Then, Nick and Aaron Carter are introduced as the judges. Yep, more of those A-List stars. This is so unbelievably stupid, it's not worth my time. Even a Jackie Gayda match is better. Kristal is proclaimed the winner by Miz, but the judges picked Layla. Whoopee.

Back to our regularly scheduled program, Big Show and John Cena come out to watch the championship match.

Match 6 - King Booker vs. Batista (World Heavyweight Championship match)

It doesn't take long for Fit Finlay to get involved and Booker nearly gets the duke. The match moves out of the ring quickly, and Booker pulls off a nice move by getting a Scissor Kick on Batista while the big man was lying across the apron.

Batista eventually gets the advantage and nearly gets the win after a spinebuster, but Booker kicked out. They head to the outside, where Big Show gets inadvertently speared by Batista. Soon after a Jackhammer in the ring, Big Show interferes for the DQ.

Winner: Batista (DQ)

Big Show continues his assault until Cena comes in. Cena and Batista clear house on the heels. Long comes out to cloe out the show with the announcement of a tag match next week between the two tandems.

Jon Waldman has been with SLAM! since 2000.