October 11, 2006
ECW: Blurred vision
By MATT MACKINDER - SLAM! Wrestling
I'm told by my lovely wife that I'm not to enjoy tonight's ECW show on SciFi. Let's hear it for being whipped!
The much-hyped Extreme Strip Poker starts off the show with Balls Mahoney (and his sweet visor) as the dealer. Easy rules here -- lowest card loses an article of clothing. Ashley is the first to lose a hand and takes off her top in the process.
Match # 1 -- C.M. Punk vs. Rene Dupree
A battle of unbeaten stars starts out with Punk dropkicking Dupree in the thigh. Yes, the thigh. Punk nails his kick in the corner and into a bulldog, but Dupree kicks out barely at two. Punk's leg lariat has Dupree turning a mid-air 360 and then a powerslam gets another two count. As Dupree kicks out, Punk locks him in the Anaconda Vice and Dupree taps almost immediately.
Winners via submission: C.M. Punk
In the back, Kelly Kelly loses her shoes and Trinity removes her top. Then Maria takes off her tights and Candice Michelle sheds her skirt. Kristal Marshall then discards her skirt and gets a quick spank from Ashley. Kristal gets in her face, but nothing comes of it. My wife is rolling her eyes at this point and I come back with, "But honey, this is my job to watch this and report what I see." More eye rolling.
Match # 2 -- Tommy Dreamer vs. Kevin Thorn
A rematch from last week sees Dreamer end Thorn's undefeated streak. Each gets a two count after a spinebuster. Ariel goes to get Thorn's walking stick, but Dreamer intercepts, only to get mugged from behind by Thorn. Back inside, Dreamer snaps Thorn off the top rope and then a DDT later, it's over.
Winner via pinfall: Tommy Dreamer
The poker game is shown split-screen during each match I must add. Ashley's shoes are now off and Candice does her Go Daddy dance after taking off her top during "dealer's choice" where Mahoney gets to choose what the girls remove. Kristal's shoes come off next and then Balls goes to stand up only to remark, "Ooh, uh, well, he has a mind of his own."
A quick recap is shown of the budding feud between Rob Van Dam and Hardcore Holly.
The gals in the back discuss how hot John Cena and Batista are until Maria blurts out that she loves ponies. Hilarious. Kristal then asks Kelly about C.M. Punk, but before she can answer, Balls wants the ladies to get back to the game. Fair enough. Kelly then loses a hand and her skirt, top and bra. More eye rolling from Mrs. Mackinder at this point.
A recap of the premiere of The Marine is shown from Camp Pendleton in San Diego. Good stuff here.
Match # 3 -- RVD, Sabu & The Sandman vs. Test, Matt Striker & The Big Show
I had hoped for Extreme Rules, but none of that on this week's episode. Ah well, no big loss (or gain) I suppose.
Ashley slithers out of her skirt backstage and Kristal takes off her top.
Sabu and RVD hit a nice Rolling Thunder/springboard leg drop combo on Striker as Maria and Trinity are reduced to panties in the back.
Sabu goes for a springboard move on Test, but Test counters with a clothesline as we head to a commercial break. Striker hits a reverse neckbreaker on Sabu and then boots him to the floor. Test rams Sabu into the post twice with one hand before Van Dam runs around and breaks it up. Maria loses her top if you're keeping score.
Sabu reverses a Big Show chokeslam into a DDT and gets the hot tag to RVD. Striker gets monkey flipped out of the corner and Sabu hits Air Sabu on Striker. RVD then hits the Five Star Frog Splash on Striker, but Sandman wants the tag. He comes in, pummels Striker and gets the three count after a Rolling Rock.
Winners via pinfall: RVD, Sabu & Sandman
Balls tells the girls that "it's not a sin to show Balls some skin." Candice loses the next hand, but questions the deal. She blames Maria for cheating and then rips off her bra. Maria's breasts are blurred out and so are Candice's after Maria returns the favor. The two proceed to strip one another completely nude, but those damn censors. I mean, what honey? Did you need me to rub your back? The couch? Why am I on the couch???
As the catfight rages on, Balls chants "ECW ... ECW ... ECW" and says he loves his job. Can't say I blame the man.
Matt Mackinder has a very open-minded wife who just loves to hassle him. At least the couch is in front of an air vent. Email Matt at firstname.lastname@example.org.