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COMMENT





Raw: Nothing like watching paint dry
By DALE PLUMMER - SLAM! Wrestling


It's less than two weeks until Unforgiven, as Monday Night RAW comes to us from the old WCW hotbed of Atlanta. And speaking of Unforgiven, why hasn't Clint Eastwood ordered WWE to ceases and desist using the name of his movie? It won an Oscar; I'd be pissed.

It's story time with Edge! And he has tables, ladders, and chairs! OH MY! Edge climbs the ladder to spin his yarn. Only two more shows till he beats John Cena, and Cena goes to Smackdown for three years on the new CW Network. (Which probably won't be around in three years, but that's another column.) Edge mentions the fact that he has never lost a TLC match, and Cena has never been in one, but now it's time for coming attractions. Edge shows a trailer for Unforgiven. (It looks kind of good. Then I remember, unlike a movie that costs me seven bucks, I have to shell out $35 for this.) Edge tells the tale of how his feud with Cena will end, when Cena hits the ring. Edge leaps off the ladder, but Cena catches him. The Doctor of Thug-a-nomics F-U's Edge through a table, and then slams a ladder on him. He tosses a chair on top, just for good measure.

Jeff Hardy is in the back watching paint dry. He tells Maria he's watching Nitro and Melina's press conference, it takes her a while to get it. In fact, it's a running subplot throughout the show!

Match # 1 Jeff Hardy vs. Johnny Nitro w/ Melina Intercontinental Title Match

Nitro shows the belt to Hardy, before the bell rings. Hardy knocks Nitro from the ring with a reverse mule kick. After the break, Nitro has a chin lock on Hardy. Jeff fights out of the hold, whipping Nitro off the ropes, but running into a boot. Nitro then nails a back breaker, and follows with a back suplex. The IC champ continues to work on Hardy's back. Jeff rolls away from a leg drop, and hits a jawbreaker. Hardy is then dropped on the ropes. Nitro combos a back breaker into a side Russian leg sweep. Nitro locks in a bear hug, and sets up a superplex. Hardy counters into an electric chair, and both men are down. Nitro and Hardy get to their feet, and Jeff hits a forearm, and follows with a back body drop. Hardy rolls through a cross body, but only gets a two count. Jeff misses a drop kick, and Nitro takes advantage with a standing moonsault. Hardy recovers and hits The Whisper in the Wind. Nitro knocks Hardy off the ropes, but Jeff still hits the Twist of Fate. Hardy covers, but Melina grabs the ref before he can count three. Nitro is disqualified, and Hardy takes out his frustration with a face buster and a swanton to Nitro.

Winner by DQ: Jeff Hardy

Trish runs into Lita in the back, and tells the Women's champion that she wants a crack at the title. Lita accepts, and then smacks her. Trish and Lita brawl. Carlito tries to break up the fight, only to be attacked by Randy Orton.

After the break, Lita is trying to see Mr. McMahon. Coach won't let her in, so she bangs on the door. Shane walks out, and Lita whines about Trish jumping her. Shane books a match with Lita and Randy Orton taking on Trish and Carlito. Lita whines she needs to be with Edge, so Shane makes it a six-person tag, adding Edge and John Cena.

Match #2 Chris Masters vs. Super Crazy

Masters issues an open challenge, and it bores Maria. (Super Crazy signed as a free agent, and will the last Superstar to leave Smackdown please turn out the lights?)

Masters knocks Crazy around, and then hits a scoop slam. Super comes back with a drop kick, but the Masterpiece responds with a boot. Masters then tosses Crazy into the ringpost. Super Crazy ducks a charge, and counters with a spin kick. Crazy knocks Masters off the apron with a springboard drop kick, and follows with a slingshot dive to the outside. Super Crazy nearly gets the pin with sunset flip off the top. Masters ducks a dive, and tries for the Masterlock. Crazy slips out, and nearly rolls up Masters for the pin. The Masterpiece nails a clothesline, and whips Crazy into the corner. Super Crazy takes Masters out at the shins, and Masters eats turnbuckle. Crazy goes up top, and hits a moonsault for the pin.

Winner: Super Crazy

Vince, Shane and The Big Show come out to gloat, but they still have security with them. Shane talks, Show talks, Vince talks, and DX has heard enough. They have two words for them: Thank you. Hunter thanks the McMahons for making them taste their own blood, and reminding them who they are. HHH and HBK head to the ring with a chair and sledgehammer. A fat guard tries to talk some sense into them. The boys turn to leave, but then whip around, taking out the poor guy with a chair shot. DX hits the ring, as the McMahons and Show clear out. Security hits the ring, and DX takes care of business. A chair shot and sledge shot, followed by a Pedigree and Sweet Chin Music take care of the hired help.

Match #3 The Highlanders vs. Viscera and Haas vs. Cade and Murdoch WWE World Tag Team Title Number one contender match

Maria checks on the paint, it's not dry, yet.

The Spirit Squad come out to scout the match. Cade and Murdoch double team Rory, Cade hits an inverted atomic drop, and Murdoch follows with a kick to the face. Haas breaks up a pin, and hits what looks like a t-bone suplex. Murdoch is slammed by Vis, and so is Rory. Haas whips Vis into Cade and Murdoch in the corner. Murdoch grabs the ropes, as Haas locks up from behind. Robbie hits a sunset flip, tosses Haas across the ring, and pinning Murdoch.

Winner via pinfall: The Highlanders

Carlito tells Trish he is upset with Orton, calling him a fraud. Only Carlito disrespects people, so tonight he will respectfully spit in Orton's face.

Maria has torn herself away from the paint to host the kiss-cam. Ric Flair joins her in the ring, and plants a big kiss on her. Flair starts into a promo, but is interrupted by Armando Alejandro Estrada. He wants Flair to declare Umaga the man, since Umaga beat him a few weeks back. Flair refuses, and the Samoan Bulldozer hits the ring. Kane immediately follows. Flair steps out, with Kane and Umaga trading blows. Kane kicks Umaga out of the ring, and then keeps him out with fire from the ring posts.

Cryme Tyme debuts with a vignette. They work on their speed by robbing a convenience store. (I'm sure the NAACP won't have a problem with this.)

More talk from McMahons and Show. Vince then says he never headlined a match at Madison Square Garden, so next week he'll take on Triple H. (Vince calls MSG the "House my father built" and Vince himself takes credit. I'm sure the Rangers and Knicks had nothing to with it.)

Match #4 John Cena, Carlito and Trish vs. Edge, Randy Orton, and Lita Inter-gender Six-person tag match

Cena faces off with Orton to start. Cena scores a near fall after a shoulder block. Cena follows with the Throwback. Carlito tags in while Orton tags Edge. Carlito drop kicks Edge, and tags in Cena. Edge runs, tagging Lita. Trish tags in and the women brawl. Trish stomps on Lita in the corner, and then hits her with a dropkick. Trish slaps Orton and Edge, and the faces chase the heels out of the ring.

After the commercial, Lita and Trish are still in the ring. Lita slaps on a headlock, but Trish breaks the hold with a neck breaker. Carlito and Orton tag in, and Carlito wipes the mat with him. Carlito hits a springboard back elbow, and then mounts Orton in the corner. Orton tosses Carlito to the floor, where Edge and Lita beat on him. Edge tags in. The champ taunts Cena, allowing Orton to get in a cheap shot. Edge spears Carlito in the corner. Orton stomps on him, and tags in Lita to stomp on him. Orton comes back in, slapping an abdominal stretch on Carlito. Orton then applies a headlock. Carlito fights his way out, nailing an enziguri on Orton. Edge pulls Cena off the apron, as Carlito crawls to his corner. Trish tags in, and is all over Lita. Orton pulls Cena off Edge. Cena ducks a clothesline, and counters with a dual takedown. All three spill from the ring, as Lita and Trish fight. Lita climbs the turnbuckle, but is taken down with a head scissors. Carlito saves Trish from a spear by Edge, but can't stop the RKO from Orton. Lita covers Trish to get the win.

Winner via pinfall: Edge, Randy Orton, and Lita

The show ends with the heels backing up the ramp.


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  • WCW Classic Tag Team Title Belt

    Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003. If given the choice between watching paint dry or Melina's press conference, Dale takes the paint every time. Email your thoughts to Dplummer627@yahoo.com.