go on record and say that tonight's ECW show was the worst, most brutal and most embarrassing wrestling show I have ever seen. And I've been watching wrestling close to 20 years. But not once have I felt the urge to fall asleep and not care about what happens on TV. Tonight I did.
Mick Foley and Ric Flair are in the house tonight, proving once again that the "new breed unleashed" is nothing more than a new WWE brand unleashed.
And away we go from the Verizon
Center in Washington D.C.
Paul Heyman and the Big Show open the show backstage with Heyman saying he has medically suspended Kurt Angle for hiding an injury from him and tonight's No. 1 Contender's Match for the ECW title will still be a Ladder Match, but just Sabu against Rob Van Dam.
Foley comes to the ring and I feel compelled to hang myself. Is this a poor man's Monday Night Raw? Foley takes the obligatory (read: boring) jabs at Ric Flair. He says he won't quit at SummerSlam. Foley then
brings out Kelly Kelly and Melina for a Three-Way Dance. Only this is literally the three of them dancing in the middle of the ring. Brutal. Flair hits the ring, brawls with Foley and tries to hang him from the ringpost with his belt. The "Nature Boy" then grabs the mic, tells a fan to kiss his ass and tells Foley he will quit. This would have been a killer time to down a sixer of Old Milwaukee.
It's 10:15, but still no matches yet. But wait, is it ... it IS! Another Shannon Moore "Reject" promo. This time, the former 3 Count member tells us to question authority. Sure, bud. Will we ever get to see him in the ring? I want to know if his mohawk can come undone.
Match # 1 -- C.M. Punk vs. Justin Credible
I love watching almost a third of the show until seeing the first match, but I may need more alcohol to get through the night because Justin Credible is on again. Nothing new to write about here as Punk, who is very over with the crowd, wins with the Yurinagi into the armbar/choke submission maneuver.
Winner via submission: C.M. Punk
In the back, RVD is on a ladder hyping the match later with Sabu. He said he
already won the Money In The Bank match at WrestleMania 22, and he'll repeat the feat tonight. Van Dam seemed to stumble through the promo.
Back from a commercial, Rene Dupree is doing a photo shoot that could very well be for Playgirl. He says he is the most beautiful person in the world and the most hardcore wrestler in ECW. Maybe if his name was Balls Dupree or Rene Dreamer, but having a pretty boy say he's hardcore makes ECW look like garbage.
Match #2 -- The F.B.I. (Little Guido and Tony Mamaluke) vs. Mike Knox & Test
If ECW ever gets around to having tag team champions, my vote would go to Knox and Test. The heels win when Test, boot untied and all, nails his F5/RKO/spinning neckbreaker combo on Mamaluke.
Winner via pinfall: Mike Knox & Test
Tommy Dreamer and The Sandman storm the ring, but Knox and Test bolt. A staredown ensues, but nothing more.
Sabu then cuts a promo saying he'll sacrifice anything to get the ECW title. Yeah, even $1,000 for getting caught with weed-infested RVD in Ohio, eh boss?
Heyman and Show are in the back when Angle appears out of nowhere and jumps Heyman's security goofs. "Real" security jumps in and handcuffs Angle. In the melee, Angle lost his gold medal, so Show calmly puts it back around the Olympic champ's neck. Angle then headbutts Show in the sternum and Show cries assault, while Heyman says he'll crucify Angle.
Match #3 -- No. 1 Contender Ladder Match -- Rob Van Dam vs. Sabu
Quite possibly the worst match of all-time. I mean it.
Remember back in the day when Mikey Whipwreck beat the Sandman for the ECW title and Joey Styles said that an ECW Ladder Match meant you didn't have to climb the ladder to retrieve a belt, but that the ladder was only a weapon? Vince must have missed that event. And for those true ECW buffs reading this, the event was an ECW Arena show on Oct. 28, 1995.
This match was truly a gong show between these two drug buddies. RVD was sitting on the top rope at one point early on and Sabu jumped from a chair to the top, slipped, and crotched himself. RVD looked at Sabu, who was shielding himself on the apron, and instead leaped from the top turnbuckle towards the SummerSlam contract hanging on a clipboard
above the ring. And yes, the "You F@*d Up!" chants were loud and clear.
Sabu hits an Arabian Facebuster onto RVD, who was on the ladder, and Van Dam goes vertical all the way into the ladder head-first in a poor-looking move. Sabu locks RVD in a one-armed Camel Clutch on the ladder. Now comes an embarrassing missed move. Sabu folds the ladder and attempts his Triple Jump Moonsault, but the ladder tips, Sabu slips and both fall to the mat. The aforementioned chants ring out once more. Tazz and Styles attempt to cover the botched move by saying that's why maneuvers like that are labeled "high risk." And so is speeding and toking, so what's your point?
RVD then comes back with a decent move by
monkey flipping the ladder into Sabu. At this point, the crowd is dead silent and it's plain to the naked eye RVD and Sabu are talking each other through this bout. Sabu hits his Triple Jump Moonsault and then Van Dam scores with his Five Star Frog Splash. Sabu rolls to the outside and RVD grabs the ladder.
Van Dam ascends the ladder and the crowd reaction tells us someone is coming down to the ring. Angle? Nah. It's the champ. Show grabs RVD off the ladder and slams him through a table at ringside that I don't seem to remember being set up.
Sabu leaps at Show from the top rope, but while Show holds the "Modern Day Kamikaze" on his shoulders power bomb-style, Sabu grabs the contract, but receives the
power bomb as the bell sounds.
If I had a keg in the house tonight, it would have been gone by now. Show then choke slams Sabu onto the contract. My almost-year-old son has fallen on harder stuff than that and got up and walked, yes walked, away. RVD is brought back into the ring and choke slammed for good measure I guess. The crowd is DEAD.
But Sunday at SummerSlam, it will be Sabu challenging the Big Show for ECW gold. Gee, can't wait. Maybe Sabu will waste more of my time I will never get back. Nah, I'll just avoid the situation
and read SLAM! Wrestling's recap Monday morning.
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Bloodsport - ECWs Most Violent Matches DVD
Matt Mackinder, he the holder of a bachelor's degree in journalism, wants to now be a writer for ECW. That way, we'll actually see ECW-style matches and not VKM-style matches. And yes, he did use the words "gong show" in describing tonight's telecast. Email Matt at email@example.com.