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Raw: A legendary (killler) return
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling


With the Edmonton Oilers playing for Lord Stanley’s Cup tonight, I’ll be bringing you all the EXTREME action from Monday Night Raw. (Note the capitals letters.) I’m sure you all want to know if Triple H will actually do the deed in Pittsburgh, PA, so just read on.

Shane McMahon stops by the locker room to talk with Triple H. Shane-O says he’s cool with Trips, saying he knows the whole sledge hammer thing was an accident. He also doesn’t like Vince showing his rear on TV. Shane tells him to go talk to Vince. In fact, Vince likes him, like he’s a member of the family.

(Like a member of the family, are you kidding me? I’ll just let that one go.)

RVD heads to the ring for the official contract signing. Paul Heyman cuts off The Coach on the mike and introduces RVD. Coach introduces the champ John Cena to a chorus of boos. Coach gets the lawyer stuff out of the way. As RVD is about to sign, he tells Cena he better be ready. RVD lets the champ know that RVD will have the home field advantage on Sunday, due to the passionate fans. Heyman says it’s about hardcore action, not sports entertainment. Cena agrees, saying he is one of those ECW fans. The champ says he isn’t lying down, just because it’s going to be a tough crowd. The champ tells RVD that this maybe your one opportunity to get a crack at this belt.

Cena signs the contract, and is informed by Paul Heyman that he will get a taste of ECW this Wednesday, but some of the guys are here tonight. Tommy Dreamer, Sandman, Terry Funk and Balls Mahoney emerge from the crowd, joining RVD in the ring. Cena says he’s going down swinging. Sabu hits the ring, and drives Cena through a table with kind of a leg drop with chair. The cavalry arrives in the form of the entire locker room. It’s too late, though, as Cena is busted open.

Match # 1 – Carlito vs. Shelton Benjamin

Shelton takes the early advantage in the non-title match. Carltio responds with left hands, and a drop kick. A back elbow sends the champ to the mat. A kick to the head floors Carlito, and Benji drops him in Snake Eyes. A double clothesline levels both men. Carlito builds momentum off a knee lift, and then covers after a springboard back elbow. Shelton kicks out, but is whipped into the corner. Carlito leaps onto Benji and drops him with a back cracker. Carlito covers for three.

Winner via pin fall: Carlito

(Time to pimp “See No Evil” some more. It’s made over $10 million, but I’m still not impressed, but it has made a profit, so that’s all the matters. Can’t wait for “See No Evil 2: Electric Bugaloo.”)

Triple H enters Vince’s office, but finds Coach. Vince’s new lackey tells Triple H that the boss won’t make him wait long. Hunter then takes a long look at HBK being forced to kiss Vince’s butt.

Vince shows up after the commercial, and Triple H doesn’t look thrilled. Vince tells Hunter that he got his butt the spa treatment. HHH tells Vince he can stick it. The boss is disappointed that Trips isn’t leading by example, so Vince is going to plan B. Hunter has to face Big Show, if he wins, no butt kissing; if he loses…oh, and the match starts now!

Match #2 – Triple H vs. Big Show

Trips ducks a right hand from Show, but can’t dodge the second one. Show catches Hunter coming off the ropes, and military presses Hunter and drops him to the mat. Show charges, but HHH pulls on the ropes, sending Show to the floor. The Spirit Squad sprints down the ramp, and attack Show. The ref DQ’s Triple H.

Winner via DQ: Big Show

Triple H goes off on Vince in his office. Vince says he has no idea what the Spirit Squad did, but since HHH lost he has to pucker up. If you don’t do it you’ll never wrestle for a championship again.

Match #3 – Matt Striker vs. Eugene

Eugene come so the ring, and tells Striker he has a tutor. HOOOOOOOO! It’s Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Striker jumps Eugene from behind, and nails a DDT. Eugene gets his head bashed into the turnbuckle, but he hulks up. An airplane spin to Striker, but Striker responds with neck breaker. Duggan starts a U-S-A chant, which distracts Striker. Eugene nails him with a clothesline, and covers for the pin.

Winners via pin fall: Eugene

Striker pulls Eugene from the ring, and bashes him into the steps. Hacksaw chases him off, but is attacked from behind by Umaga. After a head butt from the apron, Umaga nails the Samoan Spike to finish him off.

Kurt Angle makes his way to the ring. The Olympic champ is happy to be in his hometown, but is cut off Mick Foley. Angle says everything Ric Flair said about Foley is true. Angle challenges Foley to accept his open challenge. Foley instead brings out Edge, who has the most victories over Angle. Edge heels on the Pittsburgh sports heroes, and says Angle’s career ended when he joined ECW. Edge says he’s the number one contender, while Angle has nothing. Angle says he will change the face of ECW. Angle goes for the ankle lock on Edge, but hits an Angle Slam on Foley. Edge the attacks, but then almost ends up in an ankle lock. As Foley, Edge and Lita retreat, Randy Orton slips in from the crowd, and takes him out with an RKO.

Match #4 – Kane vs. Lance Cade

Trevor Murdoch calls out Kane to face his tag team partner. This shouldn’t take long. Cade walks into a chokeslam, but before Kane can make the pin, the Titantron shows Kane’s mask, and tells him to head to the back.

Winner via count out: Lance Cade

Kane calls out his doppelganger in the back. 2006 Kane is yelling as 1998 Kane approaches from behind. Old Kane decimated New Kane in the back.

It looks like WWE is getting two Scotsmen as a tag team - The Highlanders.

Match #5 – Nitro w/ Melina vs. Charlie Haas

Haas slams Nitro to the mat, and Nitro retreats to the corner. Haas is kicked from the ring, and Melina runs over, digging her fingernails into Haas. Nitro whips Haas into the corner, and then locks in a neck vice. Haas fights out, and lays Nitro out with a clothesline. Haas flips Nitro out of the corner and onto his face. Haas mounts Nitro in the corner, and Melina enters the ring. She acts like she’s hurt, and Haas investigates. Nitro rolls up Haas, getting the pin.

Winner via pin fall: Nitro

Match #6 – Victoria w/ Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix w/ Trish Stratus

Beth turns her back on Victoria to go after Mickie. Victoria takes advantage. Beth is taken up in a vertical suplex, but responds with a series of clothesline, and a drop kick. Mickie jumps on the apron, and is pulled down by Trish. Phoenix hits a sit down slam and gets the pin.

Winner via pin fall: Beth Phoenix

Vince brags to Shane about HBK kissing his butt. Vince wants to make sure Shane is ready to take care of business. Vince asks Shane if he wants a preview, Shane just takes off.

King responds to Tazz’s challenge. King calls out Tazz on his announcing, and says ECW is crappy because there are no rules. King accepts the challenge.

Shane finds an irate Triple H, and tries to calm him down. Shane then slips some powder into his water, and toasts the champ. Shane calls his dad, and Trips spits out the water behind Shane’s back. He also switches bottles. Shane and Trips then finish their drinks.

Vince and Shane head to the ring so Triple H can kiss his butt. Vince recaps some of the other members, HBK, JR and even Shane. Hunter makes his way to the ring, and Vince tells him that this is leading by example.

Vince notices that Hunter looks a little out of it, and asks him if he’s been drinking. Hunter plays along with the drugging, and collapses. Vince berates HHH, and then drops his pants. Shane starts feeling the effects of the drugged water, and collapses, as Hunter gets up. Vince tries to plead, but Triple H pedigrees Vince.

Dale Plummer has been writing for Slam! Wrestling since 2003. Dale met the Dudley Boyz (I’m sorry, Team 3-D) at Wizard World Philadelphia, and has to say that they are really cool guys. Find out more at Dplummer627@yahoo.com.