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Raw: HHH punks Shane-O-Mac
By DALE PLUMMER - SLAM! Wrestling


Well my persistence had finally paid off. Someone in the Titan Towers must be reading my report, because after weeks upon weeks of slamming Monday Night Raw, they finally churned out a good one. In fact, the offering from the campus of Texas Tech University was darn near perfect. You're all welcome. You can thank the Peoples' Writer later.

Match # 1 – HHH vs. John Cena – WWE Title Match

All right, let's get it started! Although, when Lillian Garcia announces John Cena, Vince McMahon's music hits. The Chairman tells a waiting Triple H that he has a new main event in mind. He wants to put the WWE Title and Intercontinental Title up for grabs. Cena will tag with RVD, while Trips teams up with Shelton Benjamin and Chris Masters. If a reigning champ is pinned, the winner claims the respective belt, and the match is over.

Match # 1 – HHH, Shelton Benjamin, and Chris Masters vs. John Cena and RVD – Texas Tornado Intercontinental/WWE Title 3 on 2 Tag Team Match

The WWE champ immediately goes after Triple H, but the other two heels show up and beat on the champ. RVD hits the ring, as HHH and Cena fight out of the ring. RVD knocks Masters from the ring, and sends Benji after him with a hurricanrana. RVD then leaps over the ropes and nails all four combatants with a suicide dive.

After the break, HHH takes control of Cena with a spinebuster, but Cena ducks a clothesline and counters with a shoulder block. Cena is knocked from the ring, and is kicked into the crowd by Benjamin. RVD is outnumbered in the ring, but a cover by Benji is broken up by HHH. Shelton and Trips argue, while Masters locks RVD in the Masterlock. HHH and Benji break the hold, and all three heels start to argue. RVD gets the hot tag to himself, and clears the ring. A heel kick sends Triple H to the outside, and a drop kick takes care of Masters. After Rolling Thunder on Benjamin, RVD climbs the turnbuckle, but is sent crashing by a push from Hunter. Cena rolls back in and dishes out a variety of suplexes to the heels. Cena hits the Five-knuckle shuffle on Benji, but is set up for a Pedigree. The champ counters with a back body drop, sending Hunter to the floor. Cena locks in the STFU on Shelton, but Masters makes the save. RVD hits the frog splash, but is Pedigreed after getting up. Cena hits Masters with an F-U, but turns into a Pedigree. As Hunter sets up Cena for the pin, Benjamin drapes his arm over RVD, and gets the three count, as HHH only gets a one count.

Winners via pinfall and new Intercontinental Champion: Shelton Benjamin

Triple thinks he has won the match, and only becomes enraged as the ref raises Shelton's arm. The ref explains the decision, but Hunter wants no part of it, and Pedigrees the ref.

Trish Stratus makes her way to the ring, and calls out Mickie James. The champ hits the ring, and Trish ducks her attack. The blonde from last week attacks from behind, and chases Mickie from the ring. Trish says that Beth used to be Mickie's friend, but now she is with Trish.

(A fan had a sign “Mickie is Bi-polar”, with polar spelled P-O-L-E-R. Apparently, $25,000 a year will buy you a quality education at Texas Tech. His parents must be so proud.)

Triple H is brooding in the locker room when Shane McMahon stops by to collect for his dad. Vince doesn't need Hunter to ref HBK's match, but he does want Trips in Kenny's corner, tonight.

Match #2 – The Spirit Squad (Johnny and Nicky) vs. Snitsky and Goldust – WWE World Tag Team Match

Here's the perfect example of a so-so match saved by a great finish. Snitsky gets the hot tag and cleans house, hitting a double clothesline. Johnny breaks up a pinfall, and while the ref is distracted, Mikey uses the trampoline to clear the ring ropes, and hit Snitsky with a flying bulldog. Nicky covers for the win.

Winners via pinfall: The Spirit Squad

Mick Foley enters the ring to explain his actions from last week. Foley apologizes, but can't say he's sorry to Tommy Dreamer since he is suffering an adverse reaction to a barbwire baseball bat to the groin. Instead, Foley brings out an old friend that wants to know why he did what he did. And that old friend is ... Terry Funk! The Funker tells Foley that ECW is family, and he is like a son to him. Foley hugs him and says it's the first time they have been in the ring since 1998, but wants to know where he was in 2003. Foley says Funk skipped his hardcore ceremony because there wasn't enough money in it. Mick goes on to say he'll pass up the cash for Funk's funeral, so he can spit on his grave. The Funker wants a fight, but Foley walks away. Funk tries to goad Foley by taking shots at his wife and kids, and finally succeeds by saying WWE sucks. Foley and Funk fight, and Edge joins the party. Funk fights them off, only to be felled by a low blow from Lita. Foley stands Funk up and locks in the mandible claw, and Edge finishes him off with a spear.

Match #3 – Matt Striker vs. Eugene

Eugene comes to the ring wearing a novelty foam, ten-gallon hat. Striker throws the hat from the ring, and kicks Eugene as he tries to retrieve it. Striker puts the boots to Eugene in the corner, and tries to follow with a turnbuckle smash. Eugene starts to "Hulk up", and catches Striker in an airplane spin. Eugene follows with a big boot, and then the Hogan leg drop. Striker kicks out at two, and then blocks a Rock Bottom attempt. The teacher nails a modified neck breaker, and then cracks Eugene on the neck. Striker covers and gets the pin.

Winner via pinfall: Matt Striker

Maria is with Carlito and wants to know why he attacked Eugene last week. Carlito says he likes Eugene, but it's not cool to interfere in his matches. Maria then comments on his shirt, but wants to know what "Spit or Swallows" means. Carlito asks her what she does, and Maria says of course she swallows -- when she eats an apple.

Triple H walks into Vince's office, breaking up the make-out fest with Candice. Vince tells Hunter that he got his title shot, so now it's time to fulfill his part of the bargain. Vince hands HHH a sledgehammer and tells him to bash Michaels' head in. Hunter doesn't seemed thrilled at the idea of being told what to do.

Match #4 – Umaga w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada vs. Texas jobber

Once again, Armando Alejandro Estrada (who from this point forward will be known as “Ponch”. It's a '70s reference, ask your parents, I just watch a lot of old TV), derides the poor guy before Umaga destroys him. The kid from Texas doesn't even put up a fight, looking like a rag doll in the ring. Umaga tosses him in the air, and slams him down with the Samoan Spike.

Winner via pinfall: Umaga

Match #5 – Shawn Michaels vs. Kenny w/ Triple H – Shane McMahon Special Guest Referee

I can't believe it. A match that actually serves as a vehicle to move along the storyline, and it makes sense! HBK immediately chases Shane-O from the ring. Kenny and Shane then have a quick pow-wow with Triple H, who incidentally is sitting with the timekeeper, and looks pretty uninterested. Shane drops his belt in the ring, and Kenny whips HBK. Michaels fights back, as Shane summons Triple H. HBK nails the flying forearm, and Trips sits back down. Kenny gets an inverted atomic drop, and HBK chases Shane from the ring with the belt. Shawn drops the flying elbow, and warms up the band. Sweet Chin Music connects, but Shane attacks Michaels. After multiple inverted back breakers, Shane calls for Triple H. Hunter lines up HBK, and tells him he wants to him to see this coming. HBK slips out from Shane's grasp, and Hunter nails Shane-O-Mac right between the eyes. With his son laid out, Vince runs to the ring. Hunter grabs the sledge, and backs up the ramp. He tells Vince it was an accident, as the medic rush to the ring. The show ends with Vince cradling his son in the ring.

No Contest

Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003. Dale intentionally skipped over all the promos and shilling for Kane's movie, as he wanted to keep everything positive this week. If you really want to know what Dale thinks of See No Evil email Dale at Dplummer627@yahoo.com.