Raw: Styles tells it like it is
DALE PLUMMER - SLAM! Wrestling
Backlash, and the lack there of, has past. Unfortunately, McMahonism is alive and well as RAW comes to us tonight from Columbus, Ohio. All is not well, as one member of the flock may be lost to the House of ECW.
The Chairman kicks off the show from backstage. He says he's taking the night off to enjoy himself, so he has put the Spirit Squad in charge. The boys decided to start off the show with the Divas -- dressed as cheerleaders. And Kenny will face John Cena for the WWE title, tonight.
(You have to give the Spirit Squad credit, these guys took a pretty dumb gimmick and are running with it. If you want to jump on the bandwagon contact fellow SLAM! Wrestling writer Nick Tylwalk, he's driving it. Oh, and if get any emails saying, "You're dumb, these guys suck so bad they can't even cheer!" you are so missing the point.)
Match # 1 – Torrie Wilson and Maria vs. Victoria and Mickie James
Even though Trish Stratus is injured she's keeping the feud alive. She trips Mickie from the apron, allowing Maria to fall on her. Maria covers and gets the three count.
Winners via pinfall: Torrie Wilson and Maria
Match #2 – The Spirit Squad (Johnny, Nicky, Mikey) vs. The Odd Squad (Eugene, Goldust, Snitzky)
Mikey fights out of stunner from Eugene, and hits him with a spin kick as he shoots off the ropes.
Winners via pinfall: The Spirit Squad (Johnny, Nicky, Mikey)
During Unlimited Mickie beat down Maria something fierce.
Todd Grisham is with a tearful Eugene. Grisham has been ordered to ask Eugene how it feels to lose. Eugene talks about his Uncle Eric until Matt Striker beats him down with a textbook.
The Spirit Squad walk in on HBK, Big Show, and Charlie Haas. They tell Michaels he has the night off from wrestling, but he does have to ref tonight. HBK will officiate the Conway-Kane match. And the boys have a gift: a special referee shirt, that is covered in "May 19" lettering.
Match #3 – Rob Conway vs. Kane – Shawn Michaels Guest Referee
Conway laughs at HBK as he walks down the ramp. Michaels checks Conway for weapons, and then lays him out with a low blow. Shawn rips off his "May 19" shirt, and makes Conway wear it. Kane makes his entrance, and HBK tosses Conway in front of him. And we all know what happens here. Kane destroys Conway. After a choke slam, the Big Red Machine starts to walk away. HBK picks up the microphone and yells May 19th into the stick, and lays it on Conway. Kane returns to the ring, finishing Conway off with a Tombstone.
Winner via pinfall: Kane
Match #4 – Umaga w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada vs. Some Poor Shmuck
Estrada hypes up his boy, who destroyed Ric Flair at Backlash. Umaga then destroys this guy, finishing him off with the Samoan Spike.
Triple H interrupts Vince and Candice making out. McMahon tells Trips he needs a favor; even though he didn't win the title, Vince wants him on the show, tonight, so why not ref the title match? HHH says the Spirit Squad hasn't had much luck with refs. Vince then rips into Hunter for his actions last night, and tells him he really should be punished. Hunter says he'll play ball, but only if Vince does, too. If Triple H refs the match, and Kenny wins, next week Trips gets a title shot with the Spirit Squad banned from ringside.
The Cutting Edge
Tonight's guest, Mick Foley. Before bringing out his guest, Edge whines about not getting any respect. Foley comes to the ring, and says thanks to Edge he got his Wrestlemania moment. He offers a handshake to the toughest SOB in wrestling. Foley then says it's all downhill for Edge from here. Then Foley says he wants a rematch, tonight. Edge says he's on crack, but will face Foley in any type of match next week.
Chris Masters calls Carlito's win a fluke, and says he cheated. Masters issues the challenge to RVD. Masters locks in the hold. RVD barely has a chance to fight out, when Shelton Benjamin hits the ring and
starts to wail on RVD. Carlito runs in, and makes the save. One of the acting GMs stops the nonsense and says we will have a tag team match.
Match #5 – Rob Van Dam and Carlito vs. Chris Masters and Shelton Benjamin
Charlie Haas runs in, and stops Benjamin from using a chair. Carlito rolls up Benji, and steals a win. During the match, Joey Styles is summoned to the GM's office.
Winners via pin fall: RVD and Carlito
Joey enters the office, where the Spirit Squad tells him he has no spirit. They want Joey to practice calling Kenny the new champ, and if he doesn't show enough spirit he will have to wear a cheerleading outfit next week.
Styles returns to ringside, where The King starts to give him the business. Joey just wants to return to the show, but King keeps riding him. Styles pushes King, who continues to egg him on. The pushing becomes a slap, and King pushes back. Styles storms away from the set, and heads to the back.
After the break, King apologizes and asks for Styles to come back. Joey comes out on the ramp and responds with a shoot promo. For those of you who missed it, here's the complete transcript.
WHAT YOU THINK
Joey Styles' rant on Raw made you ...
Happy all over - 63%
Sad that he thinks so little of the WWE product - 4%
Yearn for ECW - 26%
Think that he'd be good to replace Don Cherry on Coach's Corner- 7%
"You want to apologize? Like nothing happened. Like you didn't knock me on my ass in front of millions of people worldwide, and I'm gonna come down there and work with you. I'm not coming back, and now thanks to the magic of live television I'm gonna show the whole world, why for seven years in ECW I was the unscripted, uncensored, loose cannon of commentary. Six months ago, WWE called me, I didn't call this company because I was looking for a job. I didn't need a job. WWE called me
because they had humiliated and fired... again, Jim Ross. So I get JR's spot, and from week one, week after week I've got an ongoing lecture about the differences in professional wrestling and sports entertainment. I'm not allowed to say 'pro wrestling', I'm not allowed to say 'wrestler'. I have to say 'sports entertainment' and refer to the wrestlers as 'superstars'. I'm told to deliberately ignore the moves and the holds during the matches so I can tell stories. Well ignoring the moves and the holds is damn insulting to the athletes, the 'wrestlers', not the entertainers who leave their families three hundred days a year to ply their craft in that ring. Here's the best part, because I'm not a sports entertainment storyteller I get pulled from Wrestlemania, and the reason I'm given is, is because I don't sound like Jim Ross who's the guy they fired in the first place. That makes sense, right? So I swallow the bitter pill, I'm a company guy. I get bumped from Wrestlemania.
Then I get bumped from Backlash? I'm not good enough to call Backlash!? In ECW, I called live pay-per-views on my own, solo, no color commentators dragging me down. Wasn't done before me, hasn't been done since. But I'm not good enough to call Backlash because I'm not a sports entertainment storyteller. Well you know what? I am sick of sports entertainment. I am sick of male cheerleaders. I am sick of boogers and bathroom humor and semen and I am sick of our chairman, who likes to talk about his own semen, he mocks God... he mocks God!!!!! And makes out with the divas all to feed his own insatiable ego. I am sick of sports entertainment, and most of all I am sick of you fans who actually buy into that crap! This sports entertainment circus! I never needed this job, and I don't want this job anymore. I quit!"
Match #6 – Kenny vs. John Cena – Triple H Guest Referee – WWE Title Match
Todd Grisham fills on play-by-play, and actually does a good job. Triple H doesn't seem real enthused about his job, making several slow counts, upsetting Kenny. After a DDT to Cena, followed by a one-count, Kenny snaps and pushes Trips. Kenny is laid out, and the rest of the Squad hits the ring. A pedigree to Mitch keeps the rest of the boys at bay, and Triple H walks out. The beat down on Cena ensues, but as Triple H leaves, HBK shows up. Kenny hits his flying leg drop. HBK makes the count, but stops at two. Kenny protests, and HBK lays him out with Sweet Chin Music. Cena and HBK clear the ring, and Cena finishes off Kenny with an F-U.
Winner via pinfall: John Cena
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Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003. After his fill-in performance in the main event, Dale will no longer make fun of Todd Grisham. You can discuss how Todd stepped up his game with Dale by emailing him at Dplummer627@yahoo.com.