April 18, 2006
Raw: The blasphemy continues
By DALE PLUMMER - SLAM! Wrestling
It's almost fitting that RAW is coming to us from St. Louis, tonight, as Vince McMahon continues his pious attacks. Will the blasphemy continue?
It doesn't take long to find out as the chairman of the board kicks off the show. He tells the crowd that he know he isn't going to hell, because he was all ready there this morning -- in East St. Louis. Vince goes on to explain that he has created a new religion, McMahonism, and he has been a follower for 40 years. Vince then imagines what the world would be like if McMahonsim was around earlier.
(Which means it's time to fire up the blasphemy ticker. First he hits Christianity. There's Moses, so that covers Judaism. Now it's The Last Supper, so a point to the Christians. There's Vince with Buddha, and to top it off, Vince takes a shot at the pope. What? No, Mohammed? I guess Vince is crazy, but he isn't stupid.)
Vince asks for a sign, and starts to praise his own name, when Shawn Michaels hits him with a superkick from out of nowhere. Michaels then does a crotch chop, before getting into Vince's face.
After the break, Triple H runs into Vince as he is helped to the back. Trips tells him to lay off the God stuff. This enrages Vince, who remembers Hunter calling him an old man last week, so Vince books him in a handicap match against John Cena and Edge.
Match # 1 – Rob Conway vs. ???
Conway complains about getting no respect, and the next superstar that disrespects him will ... cue Kane's pyro. Kane destroys Conway.
Winners via pinfall: Kane
After the match, Kane attacks Lillian Garcia. He says something about May 19th, and picks her up for a chokeslam. Big Show comes out to reason with Kane, but not before he tosses Lillian to the floor. Kane grabs Show, but Show counters and chokeslams his former partner.
(I don't think May 19th is linked to Kane's past, he just knows his movie sucks and doesn't want anyone to find out when it opens.)
Jim Ross sits down with Chavo in a completely pointless interview. Chavo says his decision to give up wrestling may have been a bit hasty, but it was the right decision.
Match #2 – Shelton Benjamin vs. ???
RVD gets to choose Benji's opponent for this match, with this stipulation. If Shelton wins, he challenges for the "Money in the Bank," but if he loses RVD gets a shot at the title.
And the mystery opponent is ... Charlie Haas! Benji goes for the dragon whip, but Haas ducks it. Later in the match, Benji hits rolling thunder, mocking RVD. He then goes for the five-star frogsplash, but Haas rolls away, and then gets Benjamin in a jackknife roll-up. Haas holds on for the three count.
Winner via pinfall: Charlie Haas
Vince is nursing his jaw, when Armando Alejandro Estrada drops in. He has converted to McMahonism, and would like to donate to the cause. He offers the services of his boy, Umaga. He says Umaga can take out HBK. Shelton Benjamin drops in, and begs for Vince to help him out with the RVD situation. Benji also says he has converted, and Vince offers to help.
Match #3 – Umaga w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada vs. Shawn Michaels
HBK looks headed for a win, until he is caught in a tree of woe. Umaga nails several head butts, and continues to attack, despite warnings from the ref. The ref calls for the bell, but Umaga continues his assault, jabbing HBK in the throat.
Winner via DQ: HBK
Vince McMahon orders Umaga from the ring, and ties HBK up in the ropes. Vince grabs a chair, but as he tries to reenter the ring, pyro goes off. Vince tries again, and more pyro explodes. Vinny Mac heads up the ramp, but turns around and heads back the ring, when the entire stage is engulfed in flames.
(Wow, we've never see pyro explode from the ring posts before, or the stage go up in flames! Except when Kane enters the ring ... oh, yea.)
Hey, Matt Striker has made it off Unlimited! Good for him. He heels on the St. Louis crowd, when Carlito comes to the ring in search of his apple. Striker has taken it for his classroom set. Carlito isn't happy, and tells the origin story of the apple. He spit apple in his teacher's face on the island, and get expelled from school. (That's more in-depth than most wrestler origins.) Carlito spits in Striker's face, and the two go at it until Chris Masters attacks Carlito from behind and puts him in the Masterlock.
Match #4 – RVD vs. The Spirit Squad – 5 on 1 Handicap Match
RVD fights off the fist two waves, but eventually the numbers get to him, and he is defeated. So now at Backlash he will face Shelton Benjamin in a winner take all match.
Winner via pinfall: The Spirit Squad
Poor Maria. The whole Trish-Mickie thing has her all confused. Trish tells Mickie that she has a surprise for her in the ring.
Trish is in the ring with a box, and she wants Mickie to come and get her gift. Mickie reluctantly heads to the ring. Trish unveils her ex-boyfriend Jack, and tells Mickie that if she were Trish she would care about him. Mickie thinks about it for a second, and storms the ring to save "her" man. Trish nails a spinebuster, and heads to the back. Mickie checks on Jack, and then says he cheated on her, and nails him with a Mick Kick.
Triple H chats with Edge before the match, telling Edge he should hate Cena. Mick Foley didn't cost him the title, Cena did, and that he can't trust Cena.
Match #5 – Edge w/ Lita and John Cena vs. HHH
Predictably Edge and Cena turn on each other. After a ref bump, Triple H grabs his sledgehammer and heads back into the ring. Trips looks at both men, and Edge collapses to the mat. Triple H nails Cena, only to turn into a spear from Edge. The ref recovers in time to make the count as Edge covers Triple H.
Winner via submission: Edge and John Cena
Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003. Dale never thought that his required World Religion class would ever pay off in the wrestling business, but in all his studies, he never came across McMahonism. To shed some light on this emerging faith, email dale at Dplummer627@yahoo.com.