January 10, 2006
Raw: Edge-Lita sex show droops
By WRITER X - mystery SLAM! Wrestling correspondent
The lure of a front row ticket to tonight's show in Hershey, PA has proven to be too much for Dale Plummer to handle, so once again the call goes out. And as always, Writer X dons his luchadore mask with the big 'X' on the front and summons his trusty laptop to break down the latest installment of the WWE's flagship program. Alas, the joke just might be on Dale, because new WWE champion Edge has promised the fans that he will celebrate his big win by having sex with Lita in the middle of the ring. How many bases will Edge round before the inevitable interruption? Will Dale's brain melt from being ringside? Read on, true believers.
It's the next best thing to being there. The ever popular still pictures from Sunday night's New Year's Revolution show us small, split-second slices of what we missed, including Carlito and Chris Masters forming a successful alliance, Carlito's ultimate betrayal, John Cena's gritty triumph and Edge's opportunistic use of his "Money in the Bank" title shot. The now familiar mixed reaction greets former champ Cena as the scene shifts to Chocolatetown, with cheers just barely edging out the boos. Cena acknowledges that some of the fans think he sucks, but some are riding with him through the good and bad. He tells the portion that doesn't like him to kiss his ass, then assures his followers that he is cashing in the rematch clause in his contract and taking on Edge tonight. The new champ's entrance music hits in response, though it's Lita who appears carrying the gold. Edge's girlfriend tells Cena that he will get his rematch, but it won't be tonight. Apparently she used some, ahem, oral persuasion to convince Vince McMahon to hold the rematch off until the Royal Rumble. She also promises that Edge won't be doing any fighting tonight, but will be doing something else that starts with an 'f.' They might even make it a menage a trois with the WWE belt. Cena fires back that some might say he sucks, but everyone knows Lita sucks. He tells Lita that he'll be seeing her boyfriend at the Rumble - and he can bank on that.
Mickey James awaits the arrival of Trish Stratus in the ring, but she isn't too impressed with the noise made for the women's champ by the Hershey fans. She implores them to do better, much to the dismay of Stratus herself. Anyway...
Match 1 - Trish Stratus (champion) vs. Ashley (challenger) - Women's Title Match
Yes, while Mickey James had to kiss up to the champ for weeks and win a qualifying match to get a title shot, all Ashley had to do was take the clothes off of a few other women to get Trish in the ring. No wonder Mickey is borderline insane. Ashley actually takes the offensive in the early going, earning the first pinfall attempt just a few minutes in. James barges in and breaks up the pin, and the ref quickly calls for the bell. James and Stratus argue, perhaps about the merits of this storyline, while a confused Lilian Garcia first announces Stratus as the winner before correcting herself and naming Ashley the winner by DQ.
Vince finds Cena in the back and talks about how much he loves first times. Since tonight's in-ring sex celebration will be a first for Raw, McMahon wants to make sure Cena doesn't plan on interrupting it. John laughs at the notion, saying that if two people are going to go at it in the ring, including one who's "a certified ho," it's bound to be pretty freaky, and he plans on enjoying it along with everyone else. Just the same, Vince warns that any interference will mean forfeiting the return match at the Rumble. Cena says it's cool, but he does lecture the Chairman on the dangers of oral persuasion.
Elsewhere, Masters confronts Carlito on his treachery in the Elimination Chamber. The Masterpiece wants to make sure Mr. Cool has nothing similar planned when they team up to face Kurt Angle and Shawn Michaels later tonight. Oh yeah, and Rob Van Dam (remember him?) will be making his return from a long injury layoff at the Rumble.
Match 2 - Rob Conway vs. Chavo Guerrero - Royal Rumble Qualifying Match
Chants of "Eddie" fire up Chavo as he hits an enzuigiri and a pescado, then drops Conway with a series of clotheslines. His assault continues until Conway connects with a high cross body, but Guerrero is able to kick out at two. Chavo's Frog Splash finds its mark and the three count saves him a spot in the Royal Rumble.
Angle and Daivari address a question once posed by The Joker and Prince in the first Tim Burton Batman movie: who do you trust? Can Angle trust Michaels, a notorious backstabber? Kurt figures HBK should trust him - he is a gold medalist after all, and full of integrity. Angle warns that Vince's "zero tolerance" policy applies to him as well. Backstage, Shelton Benjamin and his mama bump into Val Venis. Mama thinks she might have seen him in a movie; Val wonders if it might have been Shaving Ryan's Privates or Hairy Twatter. Outraged, Mama tells Venis his boy will take him to hell tonight.
Match 3 - Carlito and Chris Masters vs. Kurt Angle and Shawn Michaels
The discord on both teams shows as all four men start scrapping in the ring. HBK and Carlito get down to the actual wrestling, and Angle tags in to continue the attack. The action goes back and forth until Angle misses a charge into the corner, and both he and Michaels end up on the floor, where they argue themselves into a commercial break. The match resumes with Carlito beating on Angle until a belly-to-belly overhead suplex turns the tide. With both men down, the hot tag to HBK sends him on a rampage, and a big elbow off the top has him in position to warm up the band for Masters. Carlito puts on the brakes by crotching Shawn on the post, and he proceeds to work over the Icon. When Shawn does escape long enough to try for a tag, Angle pretends to be distracted by Daivari and leaves him hanging. Michaels takes another beating from the heels, though he has just enough left in the tag to slide out of an attempt at the Master Lock and hit his own DDT. Left hanging again by his partner, Michaels "tags" Angle with a right to the face and drags him into the ring to deliver some Sweet Chin Music. That leaves Kurt easy prey for the Master Lock, and HBK simply waves goodbye from the apron as the gold medalist passes out from the hold. Daivari tries to press the issue with Shawn on the ramp, but that just gets him some Sweet Chin Music of his own.
Vince stops Shawn to ask him if he thinks he put one over on the boss by turning on Angle. McMahon says he hopes to see the backstabbing HBK next week, when he's booking the Showstoppa to face Angle in a singles match. Since the series between the two men is tied at one win apiece, it might be time for "moving on" after next week's show. In the back, Todd Grisham gets a word with Triple H. The Game says that things are crazy, and Raw has been turned on its head with Cena losing his title. But there's one thing you can count on, and that's HHH winning the Rumble and reclaiming his spot at the top at WrestleMania. Or so he says. And in exclusive footage from Sunday night, Edge and Lita dream up their plan to have sex in the middle of the ring. In case you were wondering, I'm typing the word "sex" as many times as possible in this report to fool some people who are using Google to search for adult material. Sorry to disappoint you guys.
Match 4 - Shelton Benjamin vs. Val Venis - Royal Rumble Qualifying Match
Val's opening elbow shot sends Shelton scurrying to the floor so his mama can tend to him. I wish I was making that up. Venis scores a surprising number of two counts, and even ducks a spinning heel kick to set up for the Money Shot. Benjamin manages to roll away safely, and Mama stabs Venis in the rear end with her hairpin to give her son a chance to hit the Exploder and get the pin. Does Mama get a spot in the Rumble too? She looks like she'd last longer than Drew Carey...
The people who do the pay-per-view ads continue to be the most creative people in the WWE, this time cooking up a Roman/Caesar theme for this Rumble spot. Nice.
Match 5 - Kane vs. Snitsky - Royal Rumble Qualifying Match
I really don't think Kane should have to qualify for the Rumble any more. He should get a lifetime automatic exemption for eliminating the most people over the years. Have to get the SLAM! Wrestling intern to check on that. In any case, this is pretty much a formality, as Kane easily dispatched Snitsky with a big boot and a chokeslam. Kane promises 29 more victims at the Rumble.
A limo pulls up and the Rated R Superstar himself, Edge pops out. Oops, that's probably a poor choice of words given what's supposed to be coming up next.
The wife of Writer X says the bed set up in the ring is pretty nice, and she's only half kidding. Edge and Lita can't resist a little more gloating first, with the champ smirking about how he outsmarted everyone Sunday night. A video package gives us a look back at Edge's journey to the top, and then the undressing begins. Lita gets down to the bra and panties stage, while Edge strips to his boxer briefs, which give us an unnecessary bulge that must be the home of "Little Edge." Ahem. The couple gets under the covers and rolls around for what seems like forever until Ric Flair's unmistakable entrance music hits. The Nature Boy says that Edge hasn't earned his title, and that he's not only a bad champ but also dead in bed. He heads down to the ring to show Lita a thing or two and beats Edge to the punch when he tries to intercept. That's about it for Ric though, as Edge wallops him on the outside with a chair shot and delivers a devastating one-man Con-chair-to atop the announce table. Since the sex celebration has already been derailed, Cena rushes from the crowd and lays into the champ. Edge runs up the ramp to escape, leaving Lita at the mercy of the Doctor of Thuganomics. Cena peeks under the covers before tearing them off the bed, but the crowd gets no free show as Lita has redressed during the melee. Cena hoists her up and takes a dramatic pause before planting her with an F-U, a move that seems to have most of the fans' approval as Raw says goodbye to Hershey for another year or so. And with that, Writer X's work is done... for now.
Except for one last gratuitous "sex"...
Whenever Dale Plummer can't cover Raw on short notice - like, say, when he is fortunate enough to get a front row seat for the show - he shines the 'X' symbol on a passing cloud. And somewhere in the quiet town of Hummelstown, Writer X pulls on his luchadore mask and prepares for another Raw report. Only one man knows his true identity, and you can contact him at email@example.com.