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Raw: Cena bleeds, Benji's momma arrives
By
DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling
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With the new year upon us, I was wondering if Vince McMahon has made any new year's
resolutions? Maybe we'll find out, as Monday Night RAW comes to us from East
Rutherford, New Jersey.
Guess what? We won't have to wait long as the WWE chairman makes his way to the
ring. Vince tells the crowd that he will have zero tolerance for anyone's crap. He's
not taking anything from anyone. (Except me Vince, you're gonna take it, and you're
gonna like it. You can't take my keyboard away!) Vince tells the crowd that everything
will now be about him. (Um, this is a change how? I thought it was always about Vince?)
Take tonight's first blood match, it's for Vince's amusement, and that it. And so is
the next match, as Vince has Lillian introduce Kane.
Match # 1 – Kane vs. Shawn Michaels
Before the match starts, Vince rules that if Michaels uses the super kick he is
disqualified. Shawn has words with the boss, before attacking Kane with chops. Kane
responds with a choke toss into the corner. HBK gets a near fall with an inside cradle
into a small package. And then uses Kane's tights to get him over with a sunset flip,
but HBK can only get a two count. Both men trade blows, and Michaels clothesline the
Big Red Machine over the top rope to the floor. HBK launches himself out of the ring to
nail Kane. Vince walks over, and verbally spars with
HBK. Kane uses the distraction and lays HBK with a clothesline. After the break, HBK
tries to choke out Kane with a sleeper, but a back suplex puts an end to that. Kane
misses with an elbow drop, though, and Michaels climbs the turnbuckle. Kane catches HBK
with a fist in mid-air, and follows with a leg drop. HBK is shot off the ropes and into
a choke slam. Michaels escapes in mid-air. HBK hits the flying forearm, and then an
inverted atomic drop. Kane is hit with a DDT, but Michaels only get a two count. A
swinging neckbreaker only nets a two count. HBK ducks a flying clothesline, and nails
the elbow drop off the turnbuckle. Michaels starts to warm up the band, when Vince
grabs the mike. He tells HBK that if he hits Sweet Chin Music, he's out of the main
event at New Year's Revolution. Michaels turns around and walks right into a choke
slam. Kane covers for the pin.
Winner via pinfall: Kane
During the break, Vince makes HBK the first entrant into the elimination chamber on
Sunday.
Apparently, Gregory Helms went off on WWE Unlimited (which I don't watch) last
week. He was angry that the King always made jokes at his expense. Tonight he wants to
face the King. Lawler calls Helms a joke, and now he's not even entertaining. Helms
slaps Lawler, and the King fights back. Helms scurries from the ring, and King
challenges him to a match on Sunday.
Vince is in his office with Mickie James, wanting to find out more about her kiss
with Trish last week. Kurt Angle and Daivari burst in. Vince tells him that he won't be
conducting interviews for the GM position. Angle doesn't want that, he's sick of the
mistreatment by WWE officials. Vince doesn't seem to care, and then Angle sucks up to
him. (Actually this was a pretty pointless bit.)
Todd Grisham asks Trish Stratus about the kiss. She says it was uncomfortable, and
says he's going to hit the showers.
We join Maria in the ring, as she is conducting the "Kiss Cam." Victoria interrupts
her with Torrie and Candace. Victoria is upset over the beating she took at the hands
of Carlito last week, and takes it out on the unsuspecting Maria.
Match # 2 – Victoria with Torrie Wilson and Candace Michelle vs. Maria
Maria wins after ducking a corner splash, and rolling up on Victoria. Torrie and
Candace hit the ring, and hold Maria as Victoria strips her. The trio then beats her
down, but Ashley runs in to make the save. Ashley then gets beat down, too.
Winner via pinfall: Maria
On WWE Unlimited Vince announces that all five women with be in a Bra and Panties
Gauntlet match on Sunday. Vince then leers at Maria's behind as she is helped off.
Back in the locker
room, Mickie is waiting for Trish to get out of the shower. Mickie hold her towel and
apologizes for last week. Trish gets out of the shower, and has Mickie give Trish her
towel, she comments on Trish's upper assets. (I think a WWE writer has seen Single
White Female one too many times.)
Edge and Lita walk out on stage, with footage of the Ric Flair road rage incident.
Of course, it's Edge dressed as Flair. After the video, Flair hits the stage, and beats
Edge down the ramp. The IC champ tries to lock in the figure four, but Lita jumps on
his back. Flair fights her off, and Edge retreats, so Flair locks in the figure four on
Lita. He releases the hold, as Edge makes his way back to the ring.
Match #3 –
Shelton Benjamin vs. Chris Masters
The announcers call attention to Shelton's losing streak. (Which means it's not
ending tonight.) Benji unleashes a flurry of offence, and pinfall attempts. After a
splash, and a knee lift to Masters' face, Shelton gets three count, until the ref sees
Masters' foot on the ropes. Masters goes for the Master Lock, but Benji counters with a
neck breaker. Benjamin has a clothesline ducked, and has the Master Lock applied.
Shelton tries to roll to the ropes, but cannot get there. Benjamin eventually submits.
Winner via submission: Chris Masters
Triple H makes his way to the ring. He gloats after breaking Big Show's hand last
week. Show walks out, much to Hunter's surprise, with said hand in cast. HHH grabs a
chair, and baits Show into an attack. Show punches the chair from Trips with his cast.
He then smashes a monitor, and pummels the steel steps with his cast. Hunter takes off
in shock, and Show stands in the ring, raising his cast in the air.
It's time for the Smackdown! rebound. (I have to admit that I really haven't
watched the show since I stopped writing about it. I'm busy on Friday nights, usually
working. Anyway, this whole "sexual harassment" thing with Melina and Batista would be
a whole lot more believable if they didn't hold the press conference IN THE RING!)
Back in the locker room, Shelton Benjamin is recovering from his match, when his
momma joins him. (HOLY STEREOTYPE, BATMAN!) She
says she didn't come all the way from South Carolina to see her boy lose. She tells
him that she will stay on him until he wins. (Oh joy.)
Match #4 – John Cena vs. Kurt Angle – First blood match
Cena raps before the match. (Which he hasn't done for a while, so I guess creative
thinks that this will stop fans from turning on him.) Angle's music cuts him off, and
we go to commercial before the match
starts.
The match is already in progress, and the crowd is hot. (I think WWE took a page
out of the Indianapolis Colts playbook here, and pumped up the noise artificially. So
if anyone was there, please let me now if the crowd was really loud or not.) Angle
reels off four German suplexes. Daivari exposes the turnbuckle, but Angle can't smash
Cena into it. Cena drops Angle to the arena floor, but is cut off by Daivari when he
goes after Angle. Daivari nails Cena with the gold medal. Back in the ring, Angle hits
a release suplex, and then smashes Cena into the exposed turnbuckle, but no blood is
drawn. The Olympic champs hits an Angle Slam, and grabs a chair. The champ ducks the
chair shot, and hits a shoulder block. Angle then counters the F-U, into an ankle lock.
Cena kicks Angle off and into the ref. Cena grabs the chair, and Angle begs for mercy,
allowing Daivari to grab Cena. Angle nails Cena with the chair, and the opens Cena up
with shots to the forehead. Angle sets Cena up for an F-U, but the champ counters into
the STF-U. Angle taps as Daivari revives the ref. The ref rings the bell, declaring
Angle the winner.
Winner via blood letting: Kurt Angle
Carlito and Masters hit he ring and beat on the champ. Angle calls everyone off,
and applies the ankle lock. Masters has his own agenda, and locks in the Master Lock on
Angle, as Carlito takes out Daivari. Kane hits the ring, and
Masters wants some. Kane choke slams Masters, Carlito hits Angle with a big boot, and
then choke slams Daivari. Shawn Michaels enters the fray, and takes out Kane with Sweet
Chin Music. Cena staggers to his feet, and delivers an F-U to HBK. The show ends with
everyone down in or around the ring.
Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003. Dale resolves to
be less cynical and sarcastic in 2006. Yeah, that'll happen. Dale's email is
Dplummer627@yahoo.com.
