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Raw: Cena bleeds, Benji's momma arrives
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling


With the new year upon us, I was wondering if Vince McMahon has made any new year's resolutions? Maybe we'll find out, as Monday Night RAW comes to us from East Rutherford, New Jersey.

Guess what? We won't have to wait long as the WWE chairman makes his way to the ring. Vince tells the crowd that he will have zero tolerance for anyone's crap. He's not taking anything from anyone. (Except me Vince, you're gonna take it, and you're gonna like it. You can't take my keyboard away!) Vince tells the crowd that everything will now be about him. (Um, this is a change how? I thought it was always about Vince?) Take tonight's first blood match, it's for Vince's amusement, and that it. And so is the next match, as Vince has Lillian introduce Kane.

Match # 1 Kane vs. Shawn Michaels

Before the match starts, Vince rules that if Michaels uses the super kick he is disqualified. Shawn has words with the boss, before attacking Kane with chops. Kane responds with a choke toss into the corner. HBK gets a near fall with an inside cradle into a small package. And then uses Kane's tights to get him over with a sunset flip, but HBK can only get a two count. Both men trade blows, and Michaels clothesline the Big Red Machine over the top rope to the floor. HBK launches himself out of the ring to nail Kane. Vince walks over, and verbally spars with HBK. Kane uses the distraction and lays HBK with a clothesline. After the break, HBK tries to choke out Kane with a sleeper, but a back suplex puts an end to that. Kane misses with an elbow drop, though, and Michaels climbs the turnbuckle. Kane catches HBK with a fist in mid-air, and follows with a leg drop. HBK is shot off the ropes and into a choke slam. Michaels escapes in mid-air. HBK hits the flying forearm, and then an inverted atomic drop. Kane is hit with a DDT, but Michaels only get a two count. A swinging neckbreaker only nets a two count. HBK ducks a flying clothesline, and nails the elbow drop off the turnbuckle. Michaels starts to warm up the band, when Vince grabs the mike. He tells HBK that if he hits Sweet Chin Music, he's out of the main event at New Year's Revolution. Michaels turns around and walks right into a choke slam. Kane covers for the pin.

Winner via pinfall: Kane

During the break, Vince makes HBK the first entrant into the elimination chamber on Sunday.

Apparently, Gregory Helms went off on WWE Unlimited (which I don't watch) last week. He was angry that the King always made jokes at his expense. Tonight he wants to face the King. Lawler calls Helms a joke, and now he's not even entertaining. Helms slaps Lawler, and the King fights back. Helms scurries from the ring, and King challenges him to a match on Sunday.

Vince is in his office with Mickie James, wanting to find out more about her kiss with Trish last week. Kurt Angle and Daivari burst in. Vince tells him that he won't be conducting interviews for the GM position. Angle doesn't want that, he's sick of the mistreatment by WWE officials. Vince doesn't seem to care, and then Angle sucks up to him. (Actually this was a pretty pointless bit.)

Todd Grisham asks Trish Stratus about the kiss. She says it was uncomfortable, and says he's going to hit the showers.

We join Maria in the ring, as she is conducting the "Kiss Cam." Victoria interrupts her with Torrie and Candace. Victoria is upset over the beating she took at the hands of Carlito last week, and takes it out on the unsuspecting Maria.

Match # 2 Victoria with Torrie Wilson and Candace Michelle vs. Maria

Maria wins after ducking a corner splash, and rolling up on Victoria. Torrie and Candace hit the ring, and hold Maria as Victoria strips her. The trio then beats her down, but Ashley runs in to make the save. Ashley then gets beat down, too.

Winner via pinfall: Maria

On WWE Unlimited Vince announces that all five women with be in a Bra and Panties Gauntlet match on Sunday. Vince then leers at Maria's behind as she is helped off.

Back in the locker room, Mickie is waiting for Trish to get out of the shower. Mickie hold her towel and apologizes for last week. Trish gets out of the shower, and has Mickie give Trish her towel, she comments on Trish's upper assets. (I think a WWE writer has seen Single White Female one too many times.)

Edge and Lita walk out on stage, with footage of the Ric Flair road rage incident. Of course, it's Edge dressed as Flair. After the video, Flair hits the stage, and beats Edge down the ramp. The IC champ tries to lock in the figure four, but Lita jumps on his back. Flair fights her off, and Edge retreats, so Flair locks in the figure four on Lita. He releases the hold, as Edge makes his way back to the ring.

Match #3 Shelton Benjamin vs. Chris Masters

The announcers call attention to Shelton's losing streak. (Which means it's not ending tonight.) Benji unleashes a flurry of offence, and pinfall attempts. After a splash, and a knee lift to Masters' face, Shelton gets three count, until the ref sees Masters' foot on the ropes. Masters goes for the Master Lock, but Benji counters with a neck breaker. Benjamin has a clothesline ducked, and has the Master Lock applied. Shelton tries to roll to the ropes, but cannot get there. Benjamin eventually submits.

Winner via submission: Chris Masters

Triple H makes his way to the ring. He gloats after breaking Big Show's hand last week. Show walks out, much to Hunter's surprise, with said hand in cast. HHH grabs a chair, and baits Show into an attack. Show punches the chair from Trips with his cast. He then smashes a monitor, and pummels the steel steps with his cast. Hunter takes off in shock, and Show stands in the ring, raising his cast in the air.

It's time for the Smackdown! rebound. (I have to admit that I really haven't watched the show since I stopped writing about it. I'm busy on Friday nights, usually working. Anyway, this whole "sexual harassment" thing with Melina and Batista would be a whole lot more believable if they didn't hold the press conference IN THE RING!)

Back in the locker room, Shelton Benjamin is recovering from his match, when his momma joins him. (HOLY STEREOTYPE, BATMAN!) She says she didn't come all the way from South Carolina to see her boy lose. She tells him that she will stay on him until he wins. (Oh joy.)

Match #4 John Cena vs. Kurt Angle First blood match

Cena raps before the match. (Which he hasn't done for a while, so I guess creative thinks that this will stop fans from turning on him.) Angle's music cuts him off, and we go to commercial before the match starts.

The match is already in progress, and the crowd is hot. (I think WWE took a page out of the Indianapolis Colts playbook here, and pumped up the noise artificially. So if anyone was there, please let me now if the crowd was really loud or not.) Angle reels off four German suplexes. Daivari exposes the turnbuckle, but Angle can't smash Cena into it. Cena drops Angle to the arena floor, but is cut off by Daivari when he goes after Angle. Daivari nails Cena with the gold medal. Back in the ring, Angle hits a release suplex, and then smashes Cena into the exposed turnbuckle, but no blood is drawn. The Olympic champs hits an Angle Slam, and grabs a chair. The champ ducks the chair shot, and hits a shoulder block. Angle then counters the F-U, into an ankle lock. Cena kicks Angle off and into the ref. Cena grabs the chair, and Angle begs for mercy, allowing Daivari to grab Cena. Angle nails Cena with the chair, and the opens Cena up with shots to the forehead. Angle sets Cena up for an F-U, but the champ counters into the STF-U. Angle taps as Daivari revives the ref. The ref rings the bell, declaring Angle the winner.

Winner via blood letting: Kurt Angle

Carlito and Masters hit he ring and beat on the champ. Angle calls everyone off, and applies the ankle lock. Masters has his own agenda, and locks in the Master Lock on Angle, as Carlito takes out Daivari. Kane hits the ring, and Masters wants some. Kane choke slams Masters, Carlito hits Angle with a big boot, and then choke slams Daivari. Shawn Michaels enters the fray, and takes out Kane with Sweet Chin Music. Cena staggers to his feet, and delivers an F-U to HBK. The show ends with everyone down in or around the ring.

Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2003. Dale resolves to be less cynical and sarcastic in 2006. Yeah, that'll happen. Dale's email is Dplummer627@yahoo.com.