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TJ making a list, checking it twice
By TJ MADIGAN - Calgary Sun


In the wacky world of wrestling, the holidays are a time for festive bikini contests, eggnog protein shakes and beating up Santa Claus on pay-per-view.

And, of course, the Calgary Sun's own grappling tradition: The fourth annual TJ Madigan Christmas wish list for the stars of sports entertainment.

First, for Hulk Hogan, I wish a little spontaneity. You know wrestling is your true calling when even your reality TV show is fake.

For Stephanie McMahon, I wish acting lessons. If I keep asking every year, I figure sooner or later, Santa will listen.

For Dusty Adonis, I wish an extended run with the Stampede Wrestling women's title. His mismatched feud with the ladies of Stampede is storyline gold.

For Pat and Sylvan, I hope they have themselves a merry little Christmas. Make the yuletide ... Well, you know how it goes.

For Candice Michelle, Ashley Massaro, Trish Stratus and Lillian Garcia, I wish things that can't possibly be printed in a family paper.

For some of the bigger (ahem) wrestlers, I wish good genetics. They'll be needing them if the crackdown on steroids continues in 2006.

For the Boogeyman, I wish an irrational fear of something completely mundane. Like golf carts. Or doors. Anything for continued comic relief on Monday nights.

For Gene Snitsky, I wish a vat of Clearasil. The 'back acne' look is SO junior high.

For The Undertaker, I wish a life. No, literally. The guy has been killed off more times than Kenny on South Park. I'm surprised Smackdown doesn't end each week with a high-pitched Michael Cole yelling: "Oh my God, you killed 'Taker...."

For the mid-card TNA guys, I wish personalities. Generic long- haired wrestler A vs. generic long-haired wrestler B is starting to get just a little bit old.

For Linda McMahon, I also wish a personality. If she can't be entertaining when kicking Jim Ross in the family jewels, imagine how dull those investor conference calls must be.

For Chris Masters, I wish a broken X-Box. Why a broken one, you ask? Because karma dictates he should have to deal with something that doesn't work particularly well.

For Road Warrior Animal, I wish a Jenny Craig membership.

For the Ultimate Warrior, I wish a straightjacket.

For Jonathan Coachman, I wish laryngitis.

For Triple H, I wish something to make him look really stupid. Like a handlebar moustache and mutton chop sideburns ... Oh wait, he beat me to it.

For Gregory Helms, I wish a new superhero gimmick. The Hurricane character could (and should) have been a Shark Boy-style cult favourite.

For Steven Richards, Val Venis and Danny Basham, I wish an education and/or professional qualification. It'll come in handy after the next round of talent cuts at WWE.

For Hardcore Holly, I wish a cordless drill. There's nothing like a tool with a little bit of power behind it.

For the entire McMahon family, I wish their own reality show. The Gottis and Osbournes of the world have nothing on the level of dysfunction at Casa McMahon.

And finally, for all the wrestlers mentioned above, I wish a sense of humour. That way, I won't be the recipient of a steel chair to the head next time I interview one of them.