I have a problem with Eric Bischoff. If you're the
general manager of Raw and you don't like the WWE
champion, instead of making him jump through all kinds
of hoops, why don't you just strip him of the title?
It's one of those things that doesn't make sense, even
using wrestling logic. Fortunately, tonight's show
from Wichita Falls may answer that very question.
In case you were wondering if Unforgiven resolved any
of the feuds on Raw, the eight-man tag match scheduled
for tonight's main event suggests that it probably
didn't. And speaking of unresolved, Eric Bischoff
heads for the ring with the WWE title slung over his
shoulder. He's looking quite pleased, and sharp-eyed
SLAM! Wrestling reporter Dale Plummer (currently on
hiatus) says the nameplate has Kurt Angle on it.
Hmm... Bischoff says there was some confusion at the
end of Sunday's main event (you can read about it
here) and vows to clear it up with a major
announcement. But first he wants to introduce Angle,
who joins the GM between the ropes. Citing John Cena's
flagrant disregard for authority -- specifically,
Bischoff's authority -- Eric announces that he is
stripping Cena of the title. He's just about to name
Angle the new champ when Vince McMahon's music hits
and the boss does his familiar walk down the ramp.
Bischoff and Angle think he must be there to
congratulate the Olympic Hero, and Angle promises to
represent the WWE properly as the new champion. Vince
asks who named Kurt the champ, and he wastes no time
throwing Bischoff under the bus. The Chairman states
that his GM doesn't have the authority to strip Cena
and doesn't buy Eric's excuse that the Doctor of
Thuganomics roughed him up. So Cena is still the champ
since Angle won by DQ, and we all know belts don't
change hands on disqualifications. Since he's out
there and has an audience, Vince makes his own big
announcement concerning Raw's "Homecoming" to USA two
weeks from tonight. (Without mentioning USA Network, of course.) He claims it will be the biggest
night in the show's history and that Mick Foley,
Triple H, Hulk Hogan and Stone Cold Steve Austin will
all be there. There will also be a big WWE
championship match between Cena and... Bischoff. A
suddenly frightened general manager is left to digest
that startling development as Vinnie Mac snatches the
gold and heads back up the ramp.
After a quick commercial time-out, Bischoff pleads for
McMahon to call off the match with Cena, given his
preference for working behind the scenes. Vince
snickers and points out that Bischoff has the karate
thing going for him, but says he'll think about it.
Once he's settled into his limo, Vince says he's
thought about it, and the match is still on.
Match 1 - Torrie Wilson vs. Trish Stratus
Who else thinks the recent revelation that Candice
Michelle was going to pose for Playboy qualifies as
one of the least surprising announcements in WWE
history? She also needs some new moves, since she can
only get so much mileage out of her GoDaddy.com dance.
I'd be happy to teach her some. Ahem. Anyway, Victoria
interferes almost immediately, so Ashley equalizes
things on the outside. Torrie looks to steal one with
a roll-up, then turns to pouting to the ref when
Stratus kicks out. Trish seizes the moment with a
roll-up of her own, getting the pinfall in the
process. We all know what's coming next -- the heel
ladies engage in a three-on-two beatdown, ending with
a Widow's Peak for Trish.
Match 2 - Trevor Murdoch vs. The Hurricane
You have to hand it to Murdoch and Lance Cade for
telling everyone they were going to win the tag team
titles and then going out and doing exactly that.
Murdoch is flying solo here, but Rosey and Cade are
still on hand and very much involved. Trevor tries for
a DDT, but Hurricane foils him by grabbing the top
rope. The super hero hits a running knee, a jumping
clothesline and a missile dropkick off the middle
rope, but the effort takes a lot out of him and both
men end up on the canvas. Hurricane is selling an
injury to his left arm, and I'm not sure if it is
supposed to be from Unforgiven or this match. It
quickly becomes a moot point when Murdoch drops him
face first on the middle turnbuckle and hits a DDT to
get the duke.
Todd Grisham doesn't need to remind Carlito what
happened to him at Unforgiven. Mr. Cool knows he lost
his Intercontinental title to Ric Flair, but he swears
he'll get it back in the rematch tonight. See? No
feuds were harmed during the making of Unforgiven.
Elsewhere, Edge demands that Bischoff fire Matt Hardy
again, because laying his hands on Lita was taking
their feud one step too far. Eric brushes him off,
whining about his own problems and how sick he is of
Edge and Hardy always trying to kill each other with
no end in sight. With that in mind, Bischoff wants to
end the feud once and for all with a match at
Homecoming. It's going to be a Loser Leaves Raw Match,
but also a Ladder Match with Edge's money in the bank
briefcase hanging above the ring. Not only will the
winner see his most hated rival leave the show, he'll
also get a free WWE title shot to use at a time of his
choosing. Not too shabby.
Match 3 - Tyson Tomko vs. Eddie Craven
I'm not familiar with Mr. Craven, but it hardly
matters since Tomko KO's him with a big boot to the
face after about two minutes. Yawn.
Match 4 - Carlito (challenger) vs. Ric Flair
(champion) - Intercontinental Title Match
Carlito has to retreat to the relative safety of the
floor several times in the early going, not liking the
feel of Flair's hard chops. Ric finally gets him to
engage in some mat wrestling, and Carlito mounts his
first offensive of the match by clotheslining Flair
out over the top rope and rolling him back in to
batter him in the corner. The Nature Boy battles back,
giving Carlito a taste of his own medicine by grabbing
an apple from ringside and spitting it in the
challenger's face. We break for commercial, returning
to find Carlito swung Big Mo (that's momentum to you)
in his favor on the ramp. He returns to the ring to
use a spinebuster and a suplex to get a pair of near
falls. The battle goes back and forth with plenty of
chops and right hands until Flair goes up top, and
miracle of miracles, he lands a blow from the top for
the second night in a row. A chop block weakens
Carlito's left knee, and though he gains a brief
respite by hurling Flair to the outside, the Nature
Boy returns to slap on the Figure Four. Flair holds on
to the ropes for an extra edge and makes Carlito tap
out to retain his belt. And just in time too -- I'm not
sure Ric could have gone much longer at his age.
Todd Grisham wants to talk to Matt Hardy, but Shawn
Michaels crashes to say a lot of people are talking
about Hardy and Edge's Cage Match, but a lot of people
are also buzzing about the Heartbreak Kid beating
Chris Masters. Shawn says the Showstoppa stole the
show again, but Big Show wanders by and says there is
only one show. Cena makes the party complete, and The
Champ is anxious for the main event since he has
partners that can win with a chokeslam, Sweet Chin
Music, a Twist of Fate, and... Cena asks Grisham what
it is that he can do. Todd busts out "The Robot." Yes,
the dance. Funny stuff. Cena says one move can sum it
up for all four men they will be facing: F-U.
The less intelligent but much better looking of Raw's
two interviewers (Maria) gets some time with Flair. An
enraged Carlito barges in, and he brings help in the
form of The Masterpiece. The Master Lock holds the
Nature Boy in place for some free shots by Carlito and
a shower of chewed up apple pieces. And we can't have
a Raw without the Smackdown Rebound, featuring
Undertaker getting some measure of revenge on Randy
Orton. The other show also has feuds that just won't
quit.
Main Event - Kurt Angle, Snitsky, Edge and "The
Masterpiece" Chris Masters vs. Shawn Michaels, Big
Show, Matt Hardy and John Cena
Cena gets the ball rolling for our heroes, taking it
to Edge to the tune of several near falls. Big Show
tags in and literally walks all over Edge, which can't
feel all that good. Hardy, Masters and HBK all get
some time to work, but it's Hardy who ends up in the
Master Lock. A Big Show headbutt frees him, and we're
off to commercial land. Edge has Hardy in a chinlock,
then hits him with a flapjack for two. Snitsky also
earns a two count but ends up on the receiving end of
the Twist of Fate seconds later. Michaels and Angle
both tag in, and Kurt finds himself in trouble until
he's able to roll away from Shawn's big elbow off the
top. A big melee breaks out and Angle dumps Show over
the top rope hard to the floor. Time for one last ad
break. We return to find Show still out and Michaels
in trouble. He hits a desperation suplex on Angle, but
the Olympic Hero recovers quickly and scores with an
Angle Slam. Hardy makes the save as Edge Spears Cena
off the apron. Somewhere in the chaos Show tags back
in and proceeds to clean house. Snitsky finally slows
the giant with a south of the border kick, and Edge
follows with a Spear for a two count. All four heels
put the boots to Show but find themselves repulsed by
the big guy's brute strength. Show lifts Hardy
overhead and tosses him to the floor to take out two
of the villains. Edge goes for his briefcase, but Cena
strikes first with his spinning side slam and the Five
Knuckle Shuffle. Still apparently the legal man, Big
Show plants Edge with a chokeslam, and all the faces
(Michaels is especially funny sitting on top of the
pile) jump on Edge to make sure he stays down for
three. The penultimate chapter of Raw's Spike TV era
comes to a close with all of our heroes triumphant in
the ring.
Next week: Hard to say, as once again we are looking
down the road to the Homecoming on USA in two weeks.
SLAM! Wrestling also has something special planned...
but next week it's just me again.
Visit the SLAM! Wrestling store!
Pre-order the Ultimate Warrior Double DVD
Nick Tylwalk has been a SLAM! Wrestling contributor
since 1998. He wants to make sure everyone has a date
for Homecoming, so if you're having trouble hooking
one up, drop him a line at ntylwalk7@yahoo.com and
he'll see if he can put in some good words with the
ladies or the guys, depending on your preference.
