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Raw: Bischoff's Cena obsession continues
By
NICK TYLWALK -- SLAM! Wrestling
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We all have to make sacrifices sometimes. In the case
of those of us here in the States, we have to give up
watching the first Monday Night Football game of the
season, which features the Philadelphia Eagles and
Atlanta Falcons in a blossoming rivalry so intense
that two players were ejected before the game even
started. Let's hope we see that kind of intensity
tonight on Raw. Join us and your other friends in the
U.S. as we test our love for wrestling and head to
Little Rock, Arkansas for tonight's show.
Match 1 -- Big Show vs. Edge
I guess the "Show faces two jobbers" gimmick has run
its course, unless we're just running out of jobbers.
Show is all over Edge for the first few minutes as the
announcers sell the idea that Edge can't deal with the
big guy's brute strength. Edge finally manages to
score with a low dropkick, but tries to bite off a bit
too much attempting a tornado DDT and pays for it.
Show hits a shoulder charge and looks for the
chokeslam only to be rudely interrupted by Snitsky.
The ref watches Snitsky and Edge helplessly for a
minute before he realizes he can call for the bell.
Then Matt Hardy joins the party and things really get
out of hand. The faces quickly team to throw Edge and
Snitsky out of the ring, and it's hard to shake the
feeling that we're going to get a tag team match out
of this. Sure enough, Eric Bischoff comes out on stage
and says this isn't how his show is going to start. He
orders the match restarted as a tag battle, so I guess
we have...
Match 1.5 -- Big Show and Matt Hardy vs. Edge and Snitsky
Hardy wastes little time going after and pounding his
arch-enemy, though Edge manages to reverse a power
bomb into a back body drop. Mr. Money in the Bank
misses a dropkick and has to scramble to kick out at
two following a Hardy catapult. Show tags in, hanging
Edge up in the corner and punting him right in the
chest as we head for some commercials. Hardy takes the
obligatory face beating when we return, but he's able
to hit an inverted DDT and make the hot tag to avoid
further punishment. Show runs rampant and tries to
take the fight to Edge on the outside, but fails to
account for the briefcase and takes a shot in the
face. Hardy is back in the ring hitting the Side
Effect and a legdrop off the ropes on Snitsky, at
which point Lita decides to involve herself. Former
beau Hardy thinks about giving Lita a taste of the
Twist of Fate, but has to stop to kick Edge when he
runs in. Lita saves her new man from the Twist with a
strategically placed low kick to the groin. Edge runs
off the ropes and hits a Spear to get the pinfall. The
bell doesn't stop Edge from pounding Hardy, and Lita
gives Matt a taste of his own medicine with a Twist of
Fate.
In case you were wondering, Ric Flair will face Chris
Masters later tonight, while John Cena takes on Kurt
Angle and Tyson Tomko in a Handicap Match. Also, the
Falcons lead the Eagles 14-0.
Making a rare non-backstage appearance, Todd Grisham
comes out with Shawn Michaels. Grisham rolls footage
of Shawn's unfortunate appearance in the Master Lock
Challenge last Monday, to which HBK says half of him
is upset and the other half wonders why he did that --
especially for no money. Michaels decides he did it
because he's made a career out of defying the odds and
doing things other people simply can't do. He notes
that Masters took it one step too far with his chair
shot tactics, but Michaels is okay with that because
he's also built his career by taking things that final
step. In any case, The Masterpiece will have his
hands full tonight with... whoo! Flair joins Michaels
to do a lot of yelling along with promising wins
tonight and at Unforgiven for Carlito's
Intercontinental title. Has a wrestler ever not vowed
to win his match? I think it's an unwritten rule that
you have to do that.
A video package takes us back through Cena's travails
during last week's show. Something about this whole
"Cena versus the heel GM" thing seems kind of
familiar, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
Hmm... let me think. Oh yeah, it's just like the long,
long feud between "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and Vince
McMahon except nowhere near as good. Anyway, I could
recap last week's show but I already did that once,
and you can read about by clicking here.
Match 2 -- Kerwin White vs. Shelton Benjamin
White has a hanger for his sweater and may be the
first guy I've ever seen to wrestle in a polo shirt
and khaki shorts. Or did the Mean Street/Greenwich
Posse do that too? There's an Attitude Era reference
for you. Both men seem pretty evenly matched, with
Benjamin hitting his new sliding clothesline and White
following soon after with a near fall. White goes for
his hanger but is foiled by the ref, so he uses his
polo shirt to choke Shelton while the zebra tends to
the hanger. He covers for two, but Benjamin rallies
with a Samoan drop, some clotheslines and a
backbreaker for his own two. More back and forth
action frustrates White, so he gets his golf club and
wraps it around Benjamin's back, forcing the ref to
call for the bell.
Mr. Angle, it's time for your close-up. The Olympic
Hero (not as fitting a nickname now that he's a badass
heel) boasts that he's the greatest pro wrestler on
the planet, and we all know it. Even Cena knows it, so
he should think about how Angle is going to take his
title away at Unforgiven. Out in the ring, the
villainous trio of Torrie Wilson, Candice Michelle and
Victoria head for the ring. They'd like to have some
more fun with Ashley, but the Diva Search winner knows
it's a trap. I'm calling it now: Trish Stratus is
returning as a face to help her out. Ashley agrees to
go to the ring, claiming to have a surprise of her own
tonight. Yep, it's Trish, looking pretty good in my
opinion. A fight breaks out among all five women, and
Stratus uses her Matrix move to get two of the heels
to take each other out. A Chick Kick dispatches
Victoria, and all is right in Diva Land for the time
being.
Match 3 -- Ric Flair vs. "The Masterpiece" Chris
Masters
Plenty of posing and head games to start this one. I
guess a slower pace is appropriate for Flair at his
age. J.R. tells a story about Flair breaking his back
and being told he would never wrestle again -- and that
was about 30 years ago. You've got to give it up for
that. [SLAM! Archive: The plane crash that changed wrestling] Masters uses a couple of gorilla press slams to
soften up the Nature Boy and calls for the Master
Lock, forcing Flair to try to escape the squared
circle. Masters suplexes him back in, where a chopping
battle ensues. Flair takes The Masterpiece off his
feet a couple of times, so Chris takes the battle out
to the floor. A sidewalk slam on the floor leaves
Flair in pain and us watching commercials. After the
break, Masters uses a bearhug to wear Flair down. Then
he uses another, and a third. Flair finally works his
way free and goes to work on Masters' leg, eventually
applying his famous Figure Four. Carlito runs in to
attack Flair and yet another match ends in a DQ. I
know the pay-per-view is this coming Sunday, but come
on. Michaels joins the fray and dispatches Carlito
with Sweet Chin Music. But Masters is back on his
feet, and he throws HBK shoulder-first into the post.
The Master Lock makes its inevitable appearance, and a
weakened Michaels is no match for it. My wife wants to
know why the ref is calling for the bell when Michaels
wasn't even in the match. Diane, that's just kind of
the way things work around here.
The Smackdown Rebound shows us the events of the first
Friday Night Smackdown, and it actually looks pretty
decent. There was even a bullrope match for goodness
sakes.
Match 4 -- Eugene and Tajiri vs. Trevor Murdoch and
Lance Cade
The new tag team in town gets their second test
against the unusual pairing of Eugene and Tajiri,
a.k.a. two singles wrestlers with no current feuds.
Eugene whips out the airplane spin and bites Murdoch
on the rear end, then hits Cade with a drop toehold
and rides him like a horse to the delight of the
crowd. The heels turn the tide by double teaming
constantly, and Eugene finds himself in a bad way in
the enemy corner. The wrestling savant eventually
pulls off a backslide, but the ref is distracted and
doesn't make a count. Eugene fights off more double
teaming and hits a Stone Cold Stunner on Murdoch
before making the hot tag to Tajiri. The Japanese
Buzzsaw lives up to his nickname, dishing out kicks
and giving Cade a taste of the handspring back elbow
and the Tarantula. Murdoch strikes from the floor with
a big right hand, then climbs back in and hits a
sit-down power bomb. Cade follows with an elbow off
the top rope and pins Tajiri to keep his team's record
spotless. They'll take on Hurricane and Rosey for the
tag titles at Unforgiven.
Lita and Edge come out to the stage to mock Hardy one
last time. You know, because we don't know yet how
much all the parties involved dislike each other. Edge
promises an unhappy ending to the Matt Hardy story,
which is, I think, another mandatory promo one has to
cut during a long feud. The promo ends with a make-out
session just to make our skin crawl a little more. The
announce crew runs down the Unforgiven card -- I can't
believe it's this Sunday already. By the way, David
Akers just missed a second field goal for the Eagles.
Bischoff's cell phone call is interrupted by a
visitor, and it's Cena. The WWE champ says he doesn't
want to be in tonight's handicap match, or face Angle
at Unforgiven. He tells the GM that he's giving up,
and says Bischoff can have the title belt if he wants
it. Eric reaches for it, but it's a trick. I can't
believe you fell for it -- what's with you man? Calling
his boss a stupid s.o.b., Cena says he will not quit
and he will never give up, no matter how Bischoff
tries to stack the deck against him.
Main Event -- Kurt Angle and Tyson Tomko vs. John Cena
Tomko starts out and is immediately pounded by Cena
right hands. Angle gets in an early cheap shot from
the apron as a smiling Bischoff looks on from the
stage. Angle tags in and is met with a Cena sidewalk
slam for two. The Champ starts pounding both heels,
then a Tomko kick knocks Cena down, and everyone is on
the canvas as we head to the last commercial break. We
return to find Cena in trouble, with Angle using
submission holds and Tomko hitting a running powerslam
to earn a near fall. Cena fights back in the corner,
but Angle sneaks in when the ref isn't looking and
hits a German suplex. The heels take over for a while
and force Cena to kick out of numerous pin attempts.
The Doctor of Thuganomics regains the momentum against
Tomko, firing off clotheslines, a jumping hip toss and
a suplex. Cena hoists Tomko for the F-U, but in a cool
spot, Angle picks up both men for a suplex. Tomko hops
up and tries for his big boot, but Cena ducks and the
kick takes out Angle. Tomko gets the F-U and is
quickly pinned, though Angle doesn't let Cena have
more than a second to celebrate before coming back in
to attack him again. Kurt hits an Angle Slam and a
knee to the groin and takes Cena's ankle into the
post. Bischoff gets in the last word, getting right in
Cena's face a la Austin to tell him that he can't win.
That's it until Unforgiven.
Next week: Bischoff reveals his Plan C for getting the
title off of Cena. There's sure to be a D and E too if
necessary. Oh yeah, go Falcons!
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Behind Closed Doors: Jake Roberts DVD-R
Nick Tylwalk has been a SLAM! Wrestling contributor
since 1998. He lives in Central Pennsylvania but roots
for the Dallas Cowboys because they taught him how to
read when he was a young child. Discuss this unique
story and what it's like to be shunned by all of your
friends during the NFL season by writing to
ntylwalk7@yahoo.com.
