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Raw: Cena drafted, ECW invades
By
DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling
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And with the first pick in the SLAM! Wrestling
writers draft, Monday Night Raw selects ... Dale Plummer.
Well, maybe not. It may seem that RAW reporter Nick
Tylwalk and I have switched shows, but I'm just
covering as he helps move the global economy along.
SLAM! may not be having a draft, but WWE is, and
the first pick will selected at the Gateway to the
West, St. Louis, Missouri. In fact, Eric Bischoff gets
down to business by telling the crowd, from the back,
that he made his pick last night, and it's the single
biggest acquisition in the history of RAW. Coach
interrupts to tell the boss that Paul Heyman may show
up; Bischoff doesn't seem to mind, because the first
pick in the draft will be his defining moment. As
opposed to the time he put the WCW Championship on
David Arquette.
The Highlight Reel
As promised last week, Chris Jericho will
interview the number one pick on The Highlight Reel.
Jericho says tonight is the night, that his band plays
across the river. Um, Chris, nobody cares about your
band, especially since it's named after a muppet.
Jericho says he doesn't know who's behind the curtain,
so when he tells them to come on down, no one walk
out. Finally, John Cena's music hits, and I'm not
happy. They took the one good thing away from
Smackdown! The WWE champion is now on RAW, which means
I won't see him at Smackdown next week in Hershey.
Jericho tells Cena that last time there were two
champions on RAW, he beat them both. Y2J goes on to
say that the two have a lot in common, but Jericho
might have the better music career. Jericho offers
some advice, if Cena wants to make it in the music
biz, he has got to go 100%, even if it means losing
wrestling fans. The champ tells the RAW locker room if
they want some, come get some. Christian, with Tyson
Tomko in tow, decides he wants some, and hits the ring.
Christian says he can't believe his eyes. Christian
says the fans are used to cheering a fake, because
they cheered Mark McGwire. Christian tells Cena he
will expose him as a fraud, and that this is his show.
Cena asks Jericho if he can handle his business, and
Jericho lets him go. Cena tears into Christian with a
rap. Christian slaps Cena, and the champ takes care of
business. Christian gets and shot in, but is dropped
over the top rope, and the Tomko gets an F-U.
(Seriously, WWE has just mailed it in with Smackdown!
What's the reason to watch? And does this mean we get
Batista, or will Cena get drafted back to Smackdown?)
If you're in Los Angeles this week, find out where
the RAW Diva Search and plead with them not to do it.
The last one almost killed me, and I don't think I
have the will power not to kill myself during this
one.
Match #1 - Hassan and Davari vs. Shelton
Benjamin - Handicap Intercontinental Title Match
If Shelton loses the title here, I'd bet he's on
his way to Smackdown! Benji and Hassan start out, and
the U-S-A chants ring out. It makes no sense; Hassan
is from DETROIT! Listen to introductions people. The
champ lays out Hassan with a high knee, but Davari
pulls Hassan out of his way. Hassan hits the face
buster, and covers for the pin. Referee Jack Doan
makes the three count, but notices Benjamin has a foot
on the bottom rope. Doan tries to explain to Hassan
that he hasn't won, and orders the match restarted. We
return from break to find the champ getting his arm
and shoulder slammed into the ringpost. Hassan starts
working Benji over with submission holds. Davari tags
in, and is almost rolled up by the champ. Davari
continues to work over the arm. Benji whips Davaris
into the corner and hits the stinger splash. Hassan
tries to interfere, but the champ sidesteps him, and
sends him over the rope. A T-bone suplex finishes of
Davari, and Benjamin retains his title.
Winner via pinfall ... and still Intercontinental
Champion: Shelton Benjamin
So, am I to understand on RAW, the challenger gets
to make the terms of the Championship Match? That
doesn't seem very fair.
William Regal finds Tajiri in the locker room, and
forbids him from being in the ECW Pay-Per-View. Chris
Benoit steps in, and says this is about history, and
Tajiri is part of that. Regal says it's sad to see how
far Benoit has fallen. Benoit defends the company by
saying that ECW gave him and Tajiri and chance. Regal
says he has joined Bischoff. Regal tells Tajiri he's
either with him or against him. Tajiri replies with an
ECW chant, so there's his answer.
Coach runs to Bischoff to tell him that Heyman is
on his way and he is not alone. Bischoff calls it a
rumor, and says it's time to talk to their new
acquisition, John Cena. Instead, they get Hassan and
Davari, who play the prejudice card. Bischoff says he
can't overturn the decision, but next week there will
be a one-man committee to hear his grievances. Hassan
thinks it's Vince McMahon. Bischoff says no, but he is
a legend, and that man is Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Davari goes crazy as we go to commercial.
Match #2 - Chris Masters vs. Val Venis
I hope Masters gets drafted to Smackdown! next
week. I want to volunteer to come out of the crowd to
break the Masterlock. I learned it in the second
grade, if someone locks in a full nelson, you just
mule kick them in the junk. And then I'm $10,000
richers. Val Venis assaults Masters on the top of the
ramp. Venis beats him into the ring. Masters is rammed
into the turnbuckle, and Venis chops away at him.
Masters tries to reverse an Irish Whip, but Venis
covers with a slam. The fight spills to the outside,
and Masters is bounced off the steel steps. Masters
hits a kick to the gut, as Venis enters the ring.
Venis recovers and almost gets the pin with a
fisherman's suplex. Masters then kicks out of a
sit-down powerbomb. Venis hits a spine buster, but
only gets a two count. Venis mounts Masters in the
corner, but Masters pushes him off. Venis is stunned,
and Masters immediately locks in the Masterlock. Venis
tries to fight his way out, but Venis passes out, and
the match is stopped.
Winner via submission: Chris Masters
The ultimate yes-man, Ric Flair, tells HHH that
all he needs to do is get Batista to sign the contract
for Vengeance. And then Trips will be champ again.
Security is all over the ring for the Batista-HHH
contract signing. Before the signing, Bischoff warns
the crowd that Heyman is coming, and bringing friends.
Bischoff dares Heyman to show up. He says ECW failed
because they didn't have attraction like Hell in the
Cell, or performers like HHH. The Game heads to the
ring, and JR informs us that HHH has never lost a HITC
match. Can we get the SLAM! intern to check on that?
Bischoff tells HHH that if he or Batista are drafted
to Smackdown, the match will happen. HHH says he
doesn't care, because he is the best, and he will win
for the 11th time, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. The fans don't
believe, but HH will prove it, and Steph McMahon walks
out ... oops, sorry that was uncalled for. HHH rolls a
package of his greatest Hell in the Cell hits. Trips
says Batista will not win a third time, and the
"other" champ has heard enough. Batista says he says
he doesn't know what to expect and he doesn't care,
but they are going to hell. Batista asks Hunter if
he's ready to pay for his sins. Batista says he
doesn't fear the cell or Hunter for that matter.
Bischoff gets the guys down to business, and Hunter
signs first. Batista follows suit and the match is
official. Hunter tells the champ that he just signed
his own death warrant, to which Batista responds,
well, you'll have to kill me to take this. Hunter
responds with you'll have to kill me to stop me, and
then Batista responds with my dad can beat up your
dad. At least Hunter says after Vengeance this will
all be over. Thank the maker.
Match #3 - The Heart Throbs and Victoria vs.
The Hurricane, Rosey, and Christy Hemme w/ Stacy
At least the new tag team on Smackdown! is legit.
MNM could whip these jokers. Hurricane and Antonio
start out. Hurricane hits a suplex, and Romeo breaks
up the pin. Hurricane is doubled teamed, and kick out
after a Russian leg sweep. Victoria tags in, and
starts kicking Hurricane. Christy enters the ring, and
hits a series of clotheslines. Christy then slams
Victoria down by her hair, and starts to choke her.
Hurricane and Rosey keep the Heart Throbs at bay, and
Christy continues to choke Victoria. The ref calls for
the bell, and Christy is disqualified. The duo spills
out of the ring, and Rosey and Hurricane pull Christy
off Victoria.
Winner via DQ: The Heart Throbs and Victoria
Bischoff tells a PA that if Heyman wants a fight,
he'll get it. Bischoff then talks to his new man. He
tells Cena that he is happy to have him, and next week
he'll take on Tyson Tomko and Christian with the help
of Chris Jericho. Bischoff asks Cena to join his
anti-ECW crew; Cena declines. Bischoff tries to
persuade Cena into joining, and the champ still says
no. Bischoff doesn't seem very happy with how that
went down.
The Lita/Kane/Edge segment from last week is
recapped. I won't elaborate because it makes sick.
Match #4 - Kane vs. ???
If Kane gets drafted to Smackdown! can they draft
the old Kane, with mask, and everything? Well, Kane
wasn't expecting this. Edge comes out. He says he
isn't his opponent tonight, but he will be at
Vengeance. Edge tells Kane that he is a shell of his
former self, and maybe they should do it right now.
Edge stops a few steps down the ramp, and then brings
out Lita. Please, I just ate. Lita tells her ex that
Vengeance is in Las Vegas, and that after he gets
beat, they will celebrate by getting hitched. Well, if
Kane is having a match, I feel sorry for the guy
coming out.
Well, I guess Kane isn't having a match, as Coach
come outs, and heads to the announce position.
Match #5 - Chris Benoit vs. Snitsky - ECW
Rules Match
Benoit hits Snitsky with a baseball slide into the
steel steps. Benoit then goes to work with a garbage
can and lid. Benoit rolls Snitsky into the ring, and
kicks him into the corner. Benoit avoids a corner
splash, and tries to slap on the Crippler Cross face.
Snitsky counters with a trash can lid shot to the
head. Gene sets up trashcans in the corners, and whips
Benoit into one. Benoit is then side slammed on the
can lid, and then Snitsky puts the boots to him.
Snitsky gets hung up on the top rope, and Benoit slams
a trashcan over his head. Benoit goes for a table.
Benoit hits two German suplexes, and then lays Snitsky
on the table. The Rabid Wolverine climbs the
turnbuckle, and gets crotched on the top turnbuckle.
Benoit is then knocked to the floor. The Dudleyz hit
the ring, and, Snitsky with his back turned, 3-D
Snitsky through the table. The Dudleyz then race
through the crowd to escape. During the commercial,
Benoit hits a flying head butt, and gets the pin.
Winner via pinfall: Chris Benoit
Security is racing through the bowels of the arena
to catch the Dudleyz. Heyman and his boys are
arrested, and Heyman calls Bischoff out. Coach says it
is on, and the trio is un-cuffed. Coach says he'll
tell Eric, and he won't be coming back alone.
Eric Bischoff heads to the ring with his
"crusaders"; Edge, Christian, and Tyson Tomko. Paul
Heyman is shaking in his boots. Bischoff says the
Dudleyz are overrated, and they will take them out
tonight. Bischoff says the Smackdown! crew can then
clean up the crumbs on Sunday. Bischoff then
officially calls out Paul Heyman. The ECW crew heads
to the ring via the arena floor. Heyman tells Eric
he's making the same mistake. It's not about Paul
Heyman; it's about ECW. Heyman says ECW had a bond
with the audience that he could never recreate. ECW
never backed down from anyone. The Dudleyz enter the
ring, and Bischoff calls for reinforcements. Heyman
and the boys are trapped, as more wrestlers come out
from the back. Then Heyman calls for the cavalry.
Tommy Dreamer, Sandman, Rhyno, Balls Mahoney, and
others walk down from the crowd. Heyman says they
never back down from a fight, and all hell breaks
loose. Coach takes a chair shot, Regal gets a kendo
stick to the gut, Edge is gored by Rhyno, and Maven is
hung is a tree of woe, and has a chair kicked into his
face. Maven is then 3-D'ed by the Dudleyz. The crew
unfurls an ECW banner, and the RAW "crusaders" head
back up the ramp licking their wounds.
Visit the SLAM! Wrestling store!
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Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM!
Wrestling since 2003. Dale would like to inform his
editors of a clause found deep in his contract. It
states that whatever show John Cena is on, Dale has to
cover. For full contract details email Dale at
Dplummer627@yahoo.com. To provide Nick some pro bono
contract law advice you can reach him at
Ntylwalk7@yahoo.com.
