May 13, 2005
Smackdown: Kurt angles in on Sharmell
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling
I've been told that we are less then ten days away from another WWE pay-per-View. Really? It's been a month? These things are worse then holidays. I mean you blink, and BAM! WWE wants another $30 from you for a crappy main event.
Smackdown! is coming to us from Reading, Pennsylvania, which is home to ... um, I live 45 minutes away, and I can't come up with anything. At least when Smackdown comes to Hershey next month, we have chocolate. (This is a thinly veiled hint to my editors to reimburse me for the tickets.)
The show kicks off by recapping the Eddie-Rey saga that came to a head last week. Eddie Guerrero comes to the ring with new music (which starts off with an annoying cell phone ring) and no ride. Eddie grabs a chair and sits in the middle of the ring, which is bathed in a red light. A spotlight gleams on Guerrero as he tells the crowd that he gave Rey the fight of his life because he wanted it. Latino Heat then pulls Rey's ripped masked and yells at it. Eddie tells the mask that he didn't want to do it. Guerrero then realizes something. He says the fans and Mysterio stole his 'Latino Heat' and now he has it back. Eddie then threatens Rey's family, calling out the kids by name. Guerrero tells Rey Rey not to show up at Judgment Day, because he will take away the father of Rey's children.
Match #1 - Heidenreich vs. Spike Dudley
Heidenreich says he asked Spike to be his friend and Spike turned him down. So the big man goes to the crowd for a buddy. Heidenreich picks a little kid out of the crowd. And the kid is almost as big as Spike. Jordan says he's from Reading, and says he would like to hear one of Heidenreich's poems. Dr. Seuss is turning over in his grave. Heidenreich asks Jordan to be in his corner, and the kid agrees. Heidenreich takes it to Spike, beating him in the corner. Spike dodges and corner charge, and Heidenreich hits the ring post. Spike starts to berate Jordan, and that gives Heidenreich an opening to continue to assault. Spike is shot off the ropes, and Heidenreich finishes him off with a spinning side slam.
Winner via pin fall: Heidenreich
Sharmell checks in on her husband, Booker T. The Bookman says he'll take care of Angle, but first he has to take care of business. He plants a deep kiss on the wife, and then she straddles him on the couch. Watch out, the FCC is really cracking down these days, this ain't cable.
MNM and Chavo Guerrero are talking about how viscous Eddie has become. Chavo then says that Paul London has been having trouble finding two partners for the six-man tag.
Josh Matthews interviews Kurt Angle, and the Olympic champ reminds him what happened last time he stepped out of line. Angle says he doesn't care what people say, and that Sharmell struck him first. Angle says he doesn't hurt women; he makes them feel good. Angle has a vice for "gutter sluts." (Which oddly enough was bleeped.) Angle goes on to say he wants to do the deed with Booker's wife. He elaborates by saying he wants dirty, perverted actions with her. (Which oddly enough wasn't censored.) Then someone woke up, and cut to commercial. And somewhere at the FCC, an agent is digging out the fine ledger.
Match #2 - MNM w/ Melina and Chavo Guerrero vs. Paul London, Hardcore Holly, and Charlie Haas
London acts like he'll be all alone, but Holly and Haas hit the ring. London and Nitro start off. London hits a mule kick, and tags in Haas. A knee to the back slows down Haas, but Haas nails a shoulder breaker. Holly comes in to help out with a double elbow. Melina grabs Haas' leg, and Mercury nails him from the apron. Chavo tags in, and beats Haas into the heel corner. Haas breaks free, but a kick to the jaw sends him to the mat. Haas hits a suplex, and Chavo can't stop the hot tag to Holly. Hardcore cleans house, and hits Chavo with a clothesline off the top rope. MNM double-team Holly, but London is able to make the tag. A drop kick sends Chavo to the mat. Chavo sets up the Gory Bomb. London reverses with a sunset flip, but Chavo rolls through, and uses to the ropes to get the pin.
Winner via pin fall: MNM and Chavo Guerrero
JBL, the former champ, heads to the ring. JBL announces the re-release book Have More Money Now. He then takes shots at Cena's rap album, saying it will flop and Cena is a bad champion and bad role model. JBL says he will break Cena at Judgment Day and make him say 'I Quit'. Cena hits the ring, doesn't say a word, and tackles JBL. The cabinet runs in to make the save. The Bashams and Orlando Jordan hold Cena so JBL can beat on him, when Funaki, Nunzio, and other cruiserweights hit the ring to help the champ. Eventually, enough wrestlers, refs, and officials break the two up, with Cena smiling at JBL on the way back up the ring.
Match #3 - Chavo Guerrero vs. Jimmy Jacobs
Hold on, I got a call. Never mind, it's Eddie's new entrance music. Or maybe it's a ... JOBBER ALERT! This poor kid is gonna get killed. Eddie is still holding Rey's mask, and hangs it over the ring post. The ref checks Eddie, which Eddie protests, but then he hits Jacobs with a cheap shot, as the ref checks him. A high elbow knocks Jacobs down. Eddie hits a suplex, and then stares at the mask. Latino Heat yells at the mask, and then puts it on Jacobs. Eddie beats Jacobs, and tosses him out of the ring. Eddie then slams Jacobs off the announcer's table. Guerrero brings a chair into the ring, and the ref threatens to DQ him. Guerrero hits a brainbuster on the chair, and Charles Robinson calls for the bell.
Winner via DQ: Jimmy Jacobs
After the match, Eddie tells the mask not to show up on Judgment day, or his kids won't have a father.
Match #4 - Matt Morgan vs. Funaki
Funaki gets on the mike and says that he is "Smackdown's number one announcer." Morgan says the crowd is laughing at him. Morgan calls Funaki a joke, and Funaki responds by poking him in the eyes. Morgan hits a boot to the face, and then catapults him into the second rope. Morgan finishes him off with the delayed vertical driver.
Winner via pinfall: Matt Morgan
Carlito comes out and introduces The Big Show. Carlito walks around Show and is impressed by his size. CCC wants someone that can keep things cool at the Cabana. Big Show asks if Carlito wants him to play second banana to him. Carlito says they have apples; he doesn't do bananas. Carlito tells Show that Show needs Carlito. CCC shows pictures of the sumo match. Great, I won't be sleeping tonight. Not with that image burned in my head. Carlito tells Show he'd be cool, and they would be unstoppable. Show says the offer is not cool. With no other choice, Carlito grabs an apple, but Show grabs him by the throat. Big Show starts to eat the apple. He lets go of Carlito, and falls to his knees, spitting the apple out. Carlito says he knew Show might not join him so he had another plan. Carlito tells Show it only takes one bad apple to spoil the bunch, and then kicks him in the gut. Carlito walks off with a smug grin, as Show lies writhing in pain.
Match #6 - Kurt Angle vs. Booker T
Booker T goes right after Angle, shooting him off the ropes, and taking him down with a clothesline. Booker then chokes him on the ropes. Angle fights back, but Booker counters, and knocks Angle to the mat. He then hangs him up on the top rope, and spills to the floor. Booker grabs a chair, but the ref stops him from using it. Angle hits a cheap shot, and then tosses Booker into the ring steps. Booker hits a kick to Angle's jaw, and then pounds on him. Angle slips out of the ring. Booker follows, and Angle gains the upper hand. Back in the ring, Booker nails a back kick, but Angle responds by tossing Book in the ring post. The Olympic champ follows with an Angle slam. Angle leaves the ring and runs backstage. Booker T recovers and follows. Angle kicks down the door to Booker T's locker room. He shuts the door, and all we hear is Sharmell's screams. Booker busts in to find his wife on the floor. Angle jumps Booker from behind, and tosses him into a bank of lockers. Angle rams Booker heads into the locker repeatedly. Sharmell comforts her husband as Angle leaves.
Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM!
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