December 18, 2004
Hand out the coalIt's time for TJ's annual holiday wish list...
By TJ MADIGAN - Calgary Sun
Raw on Monday will be a pre-recorded 'Best of' show -- airing at 10 p.m. on TSN -- while next week's Smackdown will feature matches taped in Iraq this past week.
So, with the wrestlers nestled all snug in their beds, things are understandably a little quiet on the news front, which is why we're pulling out the third-annual TJ Madigan holiday wish list for the stars of the wrestling world.
First, for Hulk Hogan, I wish another child. The Hulkster will need a new set of coattails to ride when his daughter's singing career tanks.
For Steve Austin, I wish a vow of celibacy. The Rattlesnake's personal problems will disappear as soon as he stops hooking up with psycho gold-digging women.
For ECW fans, I wish fond memories of the little wrestling promotion that could. If WWE goes ahead with plans for an ECW reunion pay per view, I have a feeling those memories will be tarnished forever.
For John Cena, I wish a continued rise to fame. With a rap CD and a movie career on the horizon for 2005, Cena is WWE's last remaining ticket to mainstream success.
For the Rock, I simply wish good luck with his ring return. Given the recent booking disasters, Rocky's Wrestlemania match may not be the storyline success he's expecting.
For Triple H, I wish a cable TV show dedicated to him, a big budget Hollywood movie written for him, an entire industry centred around him... Oh, wait a minute. He already has all that. I guess Christmas comes early if you marry the boss' daughter.
For Gail Kim, I wish a job. WWE couldn't find a spot for the talented ex-diva but hired a bevy of interchangeable bimbos with big boobs to do nothing on TV each week.
For Todd Grisham, I wish a restraining order, preventing him from coming within 50 ft. of the WWE's DVD production studio. May he never provide hideous commentary on classic matches again.
For Stephanie McMahon's writing team, I wish a lump of coal. To say they were bad this year would be an understatement.
For Charlie Hass and Jackie Gayda, I wish a happy marriage. Storyline break-ups have a nasty habit of playing out the same way in real life. Here's hoping they're the exception.
For Jacqueline Moore, I wish a chest reduction. Her unnatural figure goes to show you can have too much of a good thing.
For Jack Evans, I wish a new bump card. This kid has used up all of his nine lives by taking some of the sickest falls imaginable. As much as I love to watch Evans in action, I fear for his life every time he hits the ring.
For Chyna and X-Pac, I wish a broken camcorder so they can never again unleash their bedroom exploits on an unsuspecting public.
For Ric Flair, I wish a Mick Foley action figure. He needs somewhere to stick his voodoo pins.
For the WWE, I wish a social conscience. They're rapidly running out of races, sexualities and ethnic groups to villainize and stereotype.
For wrestling fans everywhere, I wish a refund for Armageddon. It was three hours of my life I can never get back and the least WWE can do is return the $35 I wasted on that garbage.
For Rob Van Dam, I wish a run with the WWE title. Hey, it's Christmas, so I'm allowed to wish for miracles.
And finally, for Santa Claus, I wish a speedy recovery. After the beating he took from Kurt Angle on pay-per-view last week, Jolly Saint Nick may not be any condition to do his rounds on the 24th.
Get well soon, big man. If you need a replacement this year, I hear Billy Gunn is looking for a job...