August 31, 2004
RAW: Kane lays waste to Hardy Boyz
By NICK TYLWALK - SLAM! Wrestling

That Randy Orton sure likes to spit. Previously known for hocking a loogie in the face of the legendary Mick Foley, the world heavyweight champion stepped his spitting game up another notch last Monday by expectorating right in the grill of former mentor and teammate Triple H. Think The Game and the rest of Evolution will take that lying down? You must be new around here. We'll try to catch you up on Spitgate plus the continuing drama of Kane and Lita's wedded bliss on this edition of Raw, live from the Cow Palace in San Francisco.

As promised, it's a very unhappy Triple H who makes his way to the ring flanked by Batista and Ric Flair. Helmsley wants everyone to know that he created Evolution, restoring the confidence of the Nature Boy and turning Batista into a monster. But most of all, he chose Orton as his pet project, and he can't believe that Randy repaid him by spitting in his face. The champ comes out to answer the charges, accompanied by three covered pictures set up on easels. Orton admits that Hunter did give him an opportunity, and he's thankful for it. As for the true nature of Evolution, Randy feels that it had nothing to do with the "past, present and future" of wrestling but rather protecting Triple H. The first picture is uncovered to show HHH front and center in the group, like Orton claims he always was. The ever angrier Game says it was about himself, and that Orton owes all of his success to the men standing in front of him. Not so fast - Exhibit B is a picture of Orton beating Chris Benoit for the world title with no help from Evolution. What's the third picture? Just a close-up of Helmsley taking a full blast of spit in the face last Sunday. Orton says if Trips wants a fight, he'll give it to him now rather than waiting for Unforgiven. But since Hunter has friends, Randy decided to bring one too: he reaches behind one of the easels to unveil a sledgehammer. Hey, I thought she was with Triple H! Two-timing harlot. Orton and the unfaithful hammer chase the whole group of heels off into the crowd, hardly a fitting retreat for a bunch of tough guys like Evolution.

Watch out for the Fun Police! Eric Bischoff is a little miffed at Orton's "antics" and decides to have him escorted from the premises by security, making it the 134,295th time that's happened in televised wrestling history. The GM also wants Randy to leave the hammer with him, and in a bit that proves slapstick really isn't the WWE's strong suit, Orton drops the hammer on Bischoff's foot. No, really, you're supposed to laugh.

Match 1 - Rhyno and Tajiri vs. La Resistance and Jonathan Coachman

What's already a handicap match gets even worse for the good guys, as Rhyno works the entire match by himself thanks to Tajiri repeatedly getting bumped off the apron. Coach gets involved when the momentum is right but wants no part of Rhyno when he finds himself face to face with the former Rookie Monster in the ring. The Gore eventually finds Coach, but La Resistance is able to hit Rhyno with the Au Revoir for an easy pin.

A video montage takes us back to the emotional Kane-Lita wedding seven days ago. All I can think is that Jakks Pacific should make a Wedding Kane and Lita two-pack of action figures. Who wouldn't want the big bald guy smiling down from his bookshelf dressed all in white? Kane tells someone off camera that he has an even bigger surprise for his reluctant bride tonight. Elsewhere, Eugene thanks William Regal for showing him around San Fran, but the Englishman thinks his young charge should be concentrating on tonight's rematch with Triple H.


Match 2 - Batista vs. William Regal

This one starts out as the straight-up brawl you would expect. Batista finally gets the upper hand with a spinebuster, and Flair comes to the apron and strikes with some brass knux while the ref is distracted. Batista gets himself a gift-wrapped pinfall just like that.

Ivory is in the Big Apple with Linda McMahon and Shawn Michaels for the Republican National Convention. The WWE doesn't care who you vote for, just that you vote. I'm sure they want Canadians to vote too. Next it's back to the ring for tonight's installment of Diva Search finalist foolishness. Stacy Keibler introduces the five remaining girls and reveals that Maria has been voted out... but not before she gives Carmella the Stone Cold Salute (a.k.a. the bird) on her way out. The four survivors then get 30 seconds each to cut a promo on the other three finalists, and things get nasty in a hurry. I can't repeat much of what was said here, but suffice it to say that the guy on the seven-second delay button had his hands full with various curse words and unflattering sexual innuendo. Christy cuts a better promo than most of the females already on the roster and punctuates it with a split. That woman is psychotic... so naturally she's almost certain to win. Good thing the voting goes on until 4 am!

On their way to the ring for Kane's big surprise, Trish Stratus and Tyson Tomko make a catty remark about Lita. Kane feigns anger before laughing it off as a good one. Inside the squared circle, the Big Red Machine smiles while thinking about Bischoff's wedding gift: an open contract to face anyone at Unforgiven. But he's even more excited when he presents his surprise in the form of the Hardy Boyz! No, not Matt and Jeff, but the lesser known Pat, Nat, Rat and Fat Hardy. The ref rings the bell and the match is on.

Match 3 - Kane vs. "Hardy Boyz"

Alas, it ends all too quickly when Kane chokeslams Nat. Or is it Rat?

Lita shows her feelings for her hubby's charade when she tells him that the wedding gift from Bischoff was for both of them. With that in mind, she's taken the liberty of writing in the name of Kane's opponent for Unforgiven. And it's none other than the Heartbreak Kid, the returning Shawn Michaels.

Match 4 - Ric Flair vs. Chris Benoit

A battle of chops gives way to an early Crippler Crossface that sends Flair scrambling for the ropes. He shakes off his face-first fall to lock on a half-Crab, but his burst of offense ends when Benoit hits an enzuigiri. The Crippler misses with his diving headbutt but not a series of rolling German suplexes, setting Flair up nicely for the Sharpshooter. Batista bails out his teammate with a sit-down power bomb, though the Nature Boy is disqualified as a result.

Time to sit back, relax and enjoy Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel. The question is whether or not the host will be relaxed, because his guest tonight is his former running buddy and current rival Edge. Y2J wants to know if Edge will grant him a rematch for the belt at Unforgiven, but the crutches Edge limps out on seem to suggest that the answer will be no. Apparently Edge has a torn groin, which can only make you think one thing: ouch! When Jericho brings up Edge's less than warm welcome from the Toronto fans at SummerSlam, the champ says Jericho can win the popularity contests while he keeps winning the matches. He goes on to say that he's looking forward to settling their beef once and for all as soon as he's healed, and he sticks out his hand. The two men shake hands and Edge limps away, but Jericho is suddenly jumped from behind. It's Christian! Edge can only look on in confusion as Christian removes his belt and lays into Jericho. These guys need a Canadian belt to fight over, kind of like their own version of Smackdown's U.S. title. Who would be against this?

Match 5 - Trish Stratus and Gail Kim vs. Nidia and Victoria

Or as I like to think of it, the "I Hope No One Pops an Implant Match." Nidia finds herself in all kinds of trouble, but she fights her way past both heels and gets Victoria involved. Kim soon turns the tables on her too with a modified Sharpshooter, but the mystery, um, woman comes down the ramp to distract the bad girls once again. By the way, Victoria rolls up Kim for an easy pin.

The SmackDown Rebound tells you everything you need to know about that other WWE show. You know, the one that takes place on Tuesday, pretending to be on Thursday and then is actually shown on Thursday? That's the one. Back in the arena, Bischoff makes a major announcement for next week by booking Orton to face Kane. And we get a rundown of the Unforgiven card which will take place in, good grief, two weeks. It seems like we just had a pay-per-view... because we did.

Main Event - Triple H vs. Eugene - No Disqualification Match

Poor Eugene is definitely at a disadvantage here, seeing as he's too innocent to resort to the kind of dirty tactics needed to win a No-DQ affair. He's taking all kinds of abuse from Triple H when he decides to "hulk up" and fire back with shots of his own. He hits a double axhandle off the top rope, an eye rake and a Rock Bottom in quick succession. Eugene tries for a Stone Cold Stunner, but it's countered into a sleeperhold. Triple H follows with a Pedigree and goes under the ring to grab a sledgehammer (SLAM! Wrestling SmackDown writer Dale Plummer asks how many of those the ring crew really needs), but Orton arrives to prevent him from using it. The two men trade shots in the ring until Orton uses the hammer to put HHH down. Batista and Flair arrive, but too late as Orton drags Eugene over to pin The Game. And that's all she wrote for this week - the show is already running long and Spike TV has important MXC reruns to get to. See you next week.


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    Nick Tylwalk has been a SLAM! Wrestling contributor since 1998. He's currently searching HotJobs for the WWE's seven-second delay censoring position, as he's certain someone got canned for letting dirty words through this week.

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