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Smackdown: 'You're Fired!' sale in progress
By
DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling
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With Kurt Angle no longer 'injured', will he be
returning to the active roster? If so, who will take
over as General Manager? More importantly, is the
Eddie Guerrero-John Bradshaw Layfield feud finally
over? Will we get the answers on tonight's Smackdown
from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania? Why wasn't I there in
person, since it was so close to home? When will I
stop asking questions?
Kurt Angle is wheeled out to the ring by Luther
Raines. If he's collecting workers comp, the insurance
company is looking at a nice lawsuit. We all saw him
in the ring last week, looking very active. Angle uses
a crutch in the ring, keeping the charade alive. Angle
tells the crowd that he has been called a liar and con
artist, and it hurts. Angle explains he sucked up the
pain, and did what he had to do so Eddie Guerrero
wouldn't win the championship. Angle calls his actions
a miracle, but he has done further damage to his body.
Angle says he can fire Eddie on the spot, unless
Guerrero gets on his knees and begs for his job. Angle
decides he needs to show Eddie an example, so he calls
ring announcer, and hometown boy, Tony Chimmel into
the ring. Angle tells Chimmel he is a significant
person in his career, because he announced Angle's last
match, a loss to Eddie Guerrero. He makes Chimmel beg
for his job back, but Angle does his best impression
on 'The Don' and fires him anyway. I'm accepting a
phone call any second, now.
Cena heads to the back, looking for Angle. Cena
kicks the door in to Angle's office, and pulls the
G.M. out of his wheelchair. Luther Raines makes the
save, but pays for it as Cena throws Raines through a
wall. Security intervenes, and pulls Cena out of
Kurt's office. And Luther Raines is out cold.
Match #1 - Chavo Guerrero vs. Jamie Noble vs.
Spike Dudley - No. 1 Contender Cruiserweight Title
Triple Threat Match
Josh Matthews is the new ring announcer! WWE must
have lost my resume. Chavo and Jamie team up on Spike
to start the match. Chavo accidentally takes out
Noble, allowing Spike to go to town on him. Spike
takes down Chavo, and then clotheslines Noble. Chavo
breaks up the pinfall. Noble is tossed out of the
ring by Chavo and then rolled up by Spike. Chavo hits
a suicide plancha on Noble outside the ring, and Spike
follows with a crossbody from the top rope. Back in
the ring, Chavo hits Noble with a suplex, but Spike
breaks up the pinfall. Noble counters the Dudley Dog
into a Tiger Driver, but is clotheslined by Chavo
before he can hit it. Spike is able to hit Chavo with
a Dudley Dog, and covers for the win.
Winner via pin fall: Spike Dudley
Footage from the Japanese tour is aired. I think I
saw Ultimo Dragon in the footage! He is still alive!
The Smackdown Divas (Miss Jackie, Torrie, Dawn
Marie, and Sable) are complaining to Kurt Angle that
they are being misused on the show. Angle agrees with
them, and is booking them in a Fatal-Four-Way lingerie
match.
Match #2 - Bubba Ray Dudley w/ D-Von vs. Billy
Kidman w/ Paul London
Bubba pushes Kidman into the corner, and then
slaps on a side head lock. Kidman tries to knock down
Bubba with a clothesline to no success. He is able to
take him down with a leg scissors, though. Kidman
shoots off the ropes, but Bubba catches him with a
spinebuster. Bubba then follows with a falling headbutt. Kidman responds with forearms to Bubba, but is
stopped in his tracks by an eye rake. An enzugiri
knocks out Bubba. Kidman goes to the top rope, but is
pushed off by D-Von. Paul London chases D-Von to the
back, but the damage was done. Bubba hits the Bubba
bomb, and covers Kidman for the win.
Winner via pin fall: Bubba Ray Dudley
Funaki is backstage to bring us an exclusive
report. Kurt Angle proudly announces the next week he
will name Booker T the U.S. Champion. After the show,
he will meet with the board of directors to clear the
decision. Funaki tells Angle that his decision isn't
fair. In Donald Trump mode, again, Angle fires Funaki.
The Dudleyz congratulate Spike on his win. Spike
isn't happy with their interference from last week.
Bubba makes Spike a deal. Bubba says if Spike doesn't
get involved in D-Von's match tonight, they won't get
involved with Spike's match next week. Spike agrees,
but isn't thrilled when he finds out that D-von will
be taking on Rey Mysterio, tonight.
WWE Champion John Bradshaw Layfield heads to the
ring. Earlier in the day Bradshaw visited the
Philadelphia Stock Exchange, and all had a good time.
JBL addresses the Philadelphia crowd, taking shots at
three of the four sports franchises. He announces a Rocky
Challenge. JBL brings out a local wrestler. If he
beats JBL, he will get a title shot at Summerslam.
Match #3 - JBL vs. 'Rocky'
I don't know his name, so I call him Rocky. JBL
overwhelms the young challenger. A fall away slam
followed by a power bomb puts down the challenger. JBL
drags the kid to his feet, only to level him with a
Clothesline from Hell. JBL covers for the win.
Winner via pin fall: JBL
Bradshaw gets on the mike, and says he's sorry the
kid won't be going to Summerslam. He also says he's
sorry the he won't have a match at Summerslam, and
that there is no one worthy of facing him. And the
lights go out, cue the tolling bell. I think you know
what's coming. The Undertaker strides to the ring;
chokeslams Bradshaw, grabs the stick and says,
"You ... Me ... Summerslam." Then walks back off into the
darkness.
Paul Heyman pushes his new boy, John Heidenreich.
Heyman has a vision--to have another protege jump ship
for the NFL.
Match #4 - Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie vs.
Miss Jackie vs. Sable - Fatal Four Way Lingerie Match
The Divas make their way to the ring. The ladies
disrobe, but before the actions can start, Kurt Angle
comes to the top of the ramp. Angle says there has
been a misunderstanding, the Divas aren't misused--
they're useless. Channeling the Don, once again, Angle
fires all four ladies. If this leads to a Smackdown!
Divas search, I'm going to hurt someone.
Match #5 - D-Von Dudley w/ Bubba vs. Rey
Mysterio
Rey starts with a kick to D-Von, that sets of the
Dudley. Rey ducks a clothesline, and D-Von sidesteps a
springboard moonsault. Rey lands on his feet, but is
take down by D-Von. Rey powers out of a submission,
and then fights off D-Von on the top rope. Mysterio
nails a seated senton. D-Von responds with a
clothesline. Mysterio fights out of a powerbomb on the
apron, and Rey brings him into the ring with a head
scissors. Bubba trips up Rey to stop the 6-1-9, when
Billy Kidman and Paul London run in to stop Bubba.
Kidman pushes D-Von off the top rope. Mysterio drops
on D-Von off the top rope, and covers for the win.
Winner via pin fall: Rey Mysterio
It's time for the Raw Rebound. Catch Nick
Tylwalk's report here.
Match #6 - John Cena vs. Luther Raines
I appreciate John Cena paying respect to the late,
great Jerome Brown with the Eagles '99' jersey.
Raines go after Cena with a kick to the gut, and then
a clothesline. Cena is tossed from the ring. Back in
the ring, Cena shoots off the ropes, only to run right
into a clothesline. Raines then nails a double arm
suplex. Cena kicks out after a two count. Cena fights
out of a chin lock, but is planted by Raines. Raines
misses a knee drop, and Cena fights back with right
hands. He takes down Raines with a shoulder block, and
follows with a sideslam. Cena ducks a right hand, and
nails a spinning back suplex. Raines gets hit with the
five-knuckle shuffle. Back on his feet, Raines tosses
Cena into the ref. Raines is taken down with a DDT,
when Booker T walks to the ring with the U.S. title
belt. Raines clubs Cena from behind, as Booker jumps
up on the apron. Raines holds Cena, but Cena ducks a
shot from the title belt, and Booker clocks Raines.
Cena covers, as the ref comes to, and picks up the
win.
Winner via pinfall: John Cena
Kurt Angle stands in the center of the ring and
calls out Eddie Guerrero. Angle says you don't cross
the boss. The crowd calls for Eddie, but Vince
McMahon's music hits. Vince struts to the ring. Vince
says Angle seems to enjoy firing people and throwing
his weight around. The Chairman is upset that Angle
fooled everyone with his injuries. Vince tells
everyone that he was going to be nominated for a
humanitarian award for having a handicapped GM. Vince
then asks Angle for his resignation. Angle begs for
his job, still playing the injury angle. Vince then
utters those fateful words, "You're fired!" Angle
tosses his crutch at the boss. Vince grabs it and
chases Angle around the ring. Vince is convinced that
Angle is 1005, so he places him back on the active
roster. Vince then books him in a match at Summerslam
against ... Eddie Guerrero. Cue Eddie! Guerrero rides to
the ring and offers Vince a ride in his low-rider. The
show ends with Vince bouncing in Eddie's ride. If I
didn't know any better, I'd say Vince just turned
face!
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Dale Plummer has been writing for SLAM!
Wrestling since 2003. Dale is still looking for
answers. If you have them drop an email at
Dplummer627@yahoo.com.
