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Politics or wrestling?
By Cyrus


Often in this industry, we grapplers begin to think life is all one big wrestling storyline. Many of you have heard me muse that all pro sports are works (pre-determined), as I have taken the CFL, NFL and pro boxing to task in the past. I say that, of course, with tongue firmly planted in cheek, although I will point out that at least with wrestling you're more likely to get your money's worth. It all seems quite humorous until I start to see potential leaders of the free world behaving like they are part of a wrestling angle.

Such was the case as I found myself engrossed in the U.S. Democratic presidential primaries these past few weeks and marvelled at how each candidate has assumed a character that looks to have been dreamt up in a wrestling booking meeting.

First, we have Howard Dean, a medical doctor and former Vermont governor (which is kind of like being mayor of St-Lazare), who had been the odds-on favorite to win the nomination for the past several months. Dean, who had taken on the role of the Dallas Page-like Quixotic babyface, took on the big boys by himself (criticizing the war on Iraq) while the other candidates had supported it.

This put Dean way over with the smart marks (young students recently politicized) and allowed him to collect a lot of money for his campaign. Despite getting a monster push similar to Lex Luger on the Lex Express, Dean would self-destruct over a crazed promo (wrestling interview), completely letting loose after losing badly in Iowa. You see, in politics as well as in wrestling, there is a difference between playing crazy and actually being crazy.

Which brings us to retired General Wes Clark, who is playing the role of the '80s babyface Sergeant Slaughter coming to vanquish the evil Iron Sheik (Osama Bin Laden). Don't laugh, there are parallels, including the lantern jaw and constant references to a military background.

Clark has also attracted a washed up group of celebs, including Madonna and Michael Moore, which reminds me of some of the b-listers that have been trotted out in wrestling (remember David Arquette?) Just as Sarge's gimmick seemed out of place in 1999, Wes Clark's routine is wearing thin on potential voters and many are leaving his tent faster than a rookie from one of Tony Condello's Northern Tours.

Of course, no wrestling angle would be complete without a strong bully of a heel for the babyface (Democrats) to be chasing. In this little bit of life imitating art, the role of lead heel is portrayed by none other than President George W. Bush, who democratic voters despise worse than Winnipeggers despised Bobby Heenan in 1977. This has heated up a war of words to rival wrestling at its finest.

Witness the verbiage from the front-runner, Senator John Kerry: "I have a message for George Bush: we're coming, you're going, and don't let the door hit you on the way out!" Now come on, if I fed you that line and asked if it came from a wrestling show or the potential next leader of the free world, what would you say?

Maybe the boys have been right all along, and life, including politics, is one big work.

K-5 NEWS

As some of you may be aware, I am now in complete control of the NWA TNA promotion after winning my match with Erik Watts on the last pay per view. I would strongly suggest buying the ppv this week, as I plan on engaging in a "shock and awe" campaign of radical corporate downsizing. .... It is Super Bowl Sunday and just for the record, I am pulling for the Carolina Panthers. ... Speaking of football, you may find my name being besmirched on the pages of Chicago's finer newspapers for my belittling of NFL all-pro linebacker Brian Urlacher. ... Chris Benoit looks like a lock to steal the show at Wrestlemania in his match with Triple H. ... The following pay per view takes place in Edmonton, which may be where Chris pins Trip.