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WWE Armageddon a flop
By
NICK TYLWALK and DALE PLUMMER - SLAM! Wrestling
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Back in the days when WCW was still kicking around, wrestling fans
used to get a present each December in the form of Starrcade. Since WWE
is now the only game in town, all that's left as the holidays aproach is
a fruitcake called Armageddon. With the recent string of mediocre
"Brand-only" PPV's, would this 2003 offering leave a bad taste in the
mouths of WWE fans once again?
Fans of Evolution were about the only ones leaving pleased from the
TD Waterhouse Arena in Orlando on Sunday night. Triple H's stable did
its best Four Horsemen imitation by grabbing all the title belts Raw had
to offer, including the tag straps for which they weren't even
originally scheduled to compete. A little help from Eric Bischoff and
plenty of interference ensured that The Game was back where he thinks he
belongs, even though many fans may disagree.
The collision between Triple H, Kane and defending world champion
Goldberg that had been building for the past few weeks took place in
Armageddon's triple-threat main event. Teamwork between the challengers
gave them the upper hand in the early going, but Goldberg showed his
trademark power by tossing Kane off the top rope and lifting Triple H
for a military press into a powerslam. The champ went for a spear on
Kane but found only a big boot to the face.
Cracks in the alliance between the heels started to show when
Helmsley went for a cover following a Kane scoop slam, beginning a
pattern that would repeat itself throughout the match. A couple of
"accidental" shots exchanged between Kane and HHH left Goldberg in
possession of a steel chair, which he placed on The Game's leg in
retaliation for the attack by Batista several weeks back. Kane returned
in time to make the save, then took the fight to the floor.
The Spanish announce table found itself in harm's way again, though
it proved more durable than usual when Kane's chokeslam sent Goldberg
bouncing off of it. The table wasn't as lucky the second time, as Triple
H's elbow off the guardrail finished it off and left the champ out of
commission for quite some time. After reversing a Pedigree attempt with
a back body drop, Kane borrowed a page from the Undertaker's book and
sat up after a DDT and a neckbreaker.
Brawling out to the ramp, Kane chokeslammed Triple H on the steel.
Ultimately realizing that he needed to pin someone inside the ring, Kane
literally dragged The Game all the way back inside. Goldberg finally
returned to the fray, spearing Kane and leaving all three men down. The
world champ summoned enough strength to make a cover but Triple H broke
up the pin.
Another spear caught Triple H, but Evolution picked that moment for
the inevitable run-in. Goldberg fought off Randy Orton and Ric Flair,
then found himself in a choking contest with Kane. A low blow from
Helmsley gave Kane an opening to drop Goldberg with a chokeslam, but
Batista arrived and restrained the Big Red Machine. Helpless, he could
only watch as Triple H crawled over and covered Goldberg to complete
Evolution's title sweep. While it was nice to finally see some variety
in a HHH match (as opposed to the usual get knocked to the floor, reach
under the mat, pull out sledgehammer, use said sledgehammer, Pedigree,
pin)one wonders if there will be a variety of heavyweight champions any
time soon.
The next WWE pay-per-view is The Royal Rumble on January 25th.
With John Powell off covering the Survivor
finale, the task of sifting through the rubble of Armageddon is left
to Raw reporter Nick Tylwalk and very confused Smackdown! recapper Dale
Plummer.
* Nick, I'm looking forward to the show, but I don't remember any
matches being booked for this PPV on Smackdown!
* It's called a "brand split," remember? It was covered in your
SLAM! 101 textbook. Just sit back and enjoy the show, and I'll be here
to talk you through anything you don't understand... if I understand it.
* Now this is the way to start a pay-per-view: with a scantily clad
Lillian Garcia singing the U.S. national anthem.
* Now this is what I miss about Raw! We still haven't gotten
reparations for losing Matt Hardy, how about her?
Mark Henry versus Booker T
* The last time I saw Mark Henry he was lifting cars and bending
steel rods. Now he's curtain jerking for PPVs, man is he moving up in
the wrestling world.
* Too bad you can't say the same about his finishing moves. First he
had the "World's Strongest Slam," now he has the... bear hug. I don't
think that's going to be enough to put Booker away. He botched that
power bomb too. Hopefully this second scissor kick is enough to win this
match and end this feud.
* And it is, as Booker T picks up the win. By the way, why does
Mark Henry have his name prominently displayed on the front of his
outfit? I don't think anyone is going to mistake it for theirs.
Winner: Booker T at 10 minutes and 23 seconds
Match Rating: 3.5/10
* Looks like Eric Bischoff is none too happy with the way this
affair is starting out. Fortunately he has his Battle of the Sexes
coming up to get him all giddy. Is it just me, or is Chris Jericho
having some reservations? Perhaps he's only now realizing that passing
up a chance at Trish Stratus for a lousy one dollar Canadian is the
dumbest decision of all time.
* I don't know, Nick, the exhcange rate is pretty good right now.
Do my ears deceive me? It can't be. It's Mick Foley! Much to Bischoff's
dismay, Foley has headed to the ring to celebrate the one millionth
signing of the Austin petition. And he brought Stacey Keibler to help.
Two more reasons I miss Raw.
* If they counted my signatures as I.P. Freely and Ben Dover, it's
all good. Anyway, Randy Orton and Ric Flair interrupt a perfectly good
set of Stacy cartwheels, just so Orton can tell us all how good he is.
Mick says if he wants to go, they can go right now, and rips open his
dress shirt to reveal his referee outfit. That Intercontinental title
match is starting now.
Randy Orton (challenger) versus Rob Van Dam (champion)
(Intercontinental Title Match)
* The standards for a "holy sh-t" chant used to be so much higher.
Now Van Dam getting kicked off the top rope and going face first into
the retaining barrier is enough to set it off. Mick admonishes Flair for
interfering, but otherwise the near falls are coming back and forth.
* First, how can an RVD match be so boring? And second, did I
miss the guest referee "I'm gonna call it right down the middle speech?"
Appearently, Flair ignored Foley's first warnings, jumping to the apron
with a pair of brass knucks in hand. Orton takes advantage of the
distraction, kicking RVD off the top rope. He nails the RKO out of
nowhere, and we have a new Intercontinental Champion!
Winner:...and new IC Champ... Randy Orton at 17 minutes and 47
seconds
Match Rating: 5/10
Chris Jericho and Christian versus Trish Stratus and Lita (Battle
of the Sexes Match)
* Is this match even being shown in Canada, or are they getting
15 minutes of crowd reaction? If so, they're getting the better deal.
I've seen the build up, and I'm still asking why.
* My mom is not happy about this match at all. The crowd gets a bit
of what they want as the ladies do get in some offense, including a
spinning headscissors off the top rope by Lita. Jericho puts her hard
into the guardrail and tries talking to Trish, but Christian sneaks in
with a schoolboy and steals the victory for the men. Again, Jericho
looks like he's having second thoughts about the whole deal. Or it could
be him wondering how he went from being the first undisputed champion to
wrestling in gimmick matches like this. It's hard to say.
Winners: Chris Jericho and Christian at 9 minutes and 5
seconds.
Match Rating: 4/10 (0/10 from Nick's mom)
Shawn Michaels versus Batista
* This is more like it. Classic HBK as Shawn sticks and moves early
on, then Batista rallies with a series of power moves focusing on
Shawn's ever popular lower back.
* Can't they replace his spine with titanium? We have the
technology, this has to be done. When HBK goes down for good RAW and WWE
in general are in big trouble. Michaels is in trouble again on the top
turnbuckle, but is able to elbow his way out of a superplex. HBK
dismounts the hard way, nailing Batista with a moonsault.
* The battle spills to the floor and heads back inside, where Shawn
counters a choke lift with a DDT and hits an elbow off the top rope. The
crowd gets into it as the band starts to warm up, but Batista has
other ideas as he drops Michaels with two hard spinebusters. It looks
like curtains for HBK as he's lifted for a tiger bomb, but he slips out
and connects with Sweet Chin Music, falling on top of Batista to get the
hard fought victory.
* He's a wiley one, that HBK.
Winner: Shawn Michaels at 12 minutes and 22 seconds
Match Rating: 8.5/10
* Batista won't leave the ring, and it looks like he needs Flair to
tell him he just lost to someone 100 pounds lighter. Evidently Evolution
wasn't watching Heat (like most people), because a match was set up
between Maven and Matt Hardy and it's supposed to start right now.
* I wonder if Matt even cares that his former Mattitude follower
Shannon Moore has been served up to the likes of Brock Lesnar and Big
Show since he jumped ship. I guess not, as Hardy goes after Maven on the
ramp, and the bell rings. Maven is tossed into the ring, and Batista
decides to take out his frustration on the former Tough Enough winner.
* Just for the record, I officially have no idea what you're talking
about in regards to Shannon Moore. A few tiger bombs have Maven out
cold, so the ref tells Lillian Garcia that the match can not take place
due to Maven's condition. Where I'm from, if someone interferes once the
bell rings it's usually a disqualification. Hardy must be having similar
thoughts, as he counts his own pin and even announces himself as the
winner.
* The way I see it, he should now be Matt Hardy v(1.3), upgraded
with new ring annoucing and referee features.
* Batista is still fuming backstage. It's up to Ric Flair, and
Ric Flair alone, to calm him down. After almost tripping, Flair tells
the big man that they will leave with gold. This is called
foreshadowing, kids.
Tag Team Turmoil Match (World Tag Team Title Match)
* In the interest of everyone finishing this report before their
lunch breaks are over, we'll have to give you the abridged version here.
La Resistance and Hurricane and Rosey are the first two teams in, and
the superheroes send the Frenchmen packing at 3 minutes and 16 seconds
when the 'Cane hits a cool cross body off of Rosey's shoulders. No time
to celebrate, because Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade sneak in from
behind and get a roll-up pin just 19 seconds later. Jindrak and Cade get
another elimination at 7 minutes and 58 seconds over Val Venis and Lance
Storm thanks to the old "feet on the ropes for leverage" trick. I think
I need to make a tag here...
* It's about time...we got to a tag team I know. I'm convinced a
radio station in Orlando held a contest that the tenth and eleventh
callers could wrestle in WWE Armageddon, tonight. No way RAW has that
many tag teams. Cade, I think, misses an elbow off the top rope on
D-von. Bubba tags in and plasters Jindrack with the 3-D to eliminate
them at 13 minutes and 29 seconds.
* Scott Steiner and Test hit the ring, so they're buddies now,
and Stacy is nowhere to be seen. Makes ya, think, don't it? Test serves
up a big boot, but catches Steiner with it. Test recovers and attempts a
pin, but Bubba is able to just save his brother. Bubba hits Test with
the Bubba Bomb, and D-von covers for the three count at 19 minutes 18
seconds. The Dudleys seem to have retained the titles, but wait...
* Bischoff's music brings the co-GM to the ring. Eric says that to
win tag team turmoil, you have to get through all the teams. I thought
we just did that, but Bischoff says there's one more team that hasn't
been introduced yet, and the foreshadowing Dale told you about comes
true as Batista and Flair come down the ramp. The Dudleys are pretty
much spent at this point, and a tiger bomb to D-Von gives us new tag
team champions.
Winners: ... and new World Tag Team Champions... Batista and Ric
Flair at 22 minutes and 32 seconds
Match Rating: 6.5/10
* Dale's already seen the press conference announcing the Smackdown
roster's trip to Iraq to perform for the troops, but this is new to me.
The highlight is Big Show's surprising eloquence.
This just in. Main event annouced for tour. Brock Lesnar, Big
Show, Bradshaw, John Cena, and Matt Morgan versus Saddam Hussien in a
Steel Cage "No punishment is severe enough for the despot" match.
Ivory (challenger) versus Molly Holly (champion) (Women's Title
Match)
* No, that's not a typo. This match has just been added to the card.
It must come as a surprise to the announce team too, because The King is
wondering if Molly is sexually frustrated and J.R. suggests she might be
having irregularity problems. Off-topic announcing... another sign of
hunger.
I'm never bad mouthing Michael Cole or Tazz ever again.
Winner:... and still women's champ... Molly Holly at 4 minutes
and 24 seconds
Match Rating:. 1/10
Kane (challenger) versus HHH (challenger) versus Goldberg
(champion) (World Heavyweight Title Match)
Winner: ... and new World Heavyweight Champion...HHH at 19
minutes and 29 seconds
Match Rating: 6.5/10
Total Event Time: 2 hours and 37
minutes
Overall Event Rating: 6/10
Nick Tylwalk is SLAM! Wrestling's regular RAW reporter, and Dale
Plummer handles the Smackdown! beat. As a team, they are disappointed
that they didn't get the invitation to the Tag Team Turmoil match.
