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Smackdown!: All talk and no action
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling


Once again the WWE has delivered a steaming pile of crap on this week's Smackdown! It didn't come in a truck, but in the form of a 15-minute interview with Stephanie McMahon. Then Vince chewed up more time with his rebuttal. It's hard to believe that No Mercy is only three days away; nothing happened on this show that would compel me to buy it on Sunday night.

John Cena kicks things off from Cincinnati, Ohio, or does he. It's Cena music, but its Kurt Angle dressed in a thugged out style. Angle grabs a stick and does his best John Cena imitation. "Cena" calls out Kurt Angle. The Olympic champ's music hits, and out walks a midget. It's Mini-Kurt! I'm sorry folks, midgets are funny. Next week, here in Harrisburg, a KISS tribute band is performing, and they're all midgets. It's Mini-KISS; I can't wait. Back to the show, Mini-Kurt grabs the mike. He gets a "Cena-wiener" chant going with the crowd. "Cena" tries to lay out Mini-Kurt. He misses and is put into the ankle lock. The real John Cena has seen enough, and storms out from the back. He gets in Angle's grill, and talks some big smack. Mini-Kurt sneaks up from behind, and hit's him with a low blow. The real Angle goes to work on Cena. Cena escapes and high-tails to the back.

Match #1 -  Chris Benoit vs. Doug Basham with Danny

The Bashams' escort, Shanequa, is still out, after her run in with Bradshaw two weeks ago. Benoit tries for the Crippler Cross Face early, but Doug grabs the rope to break the hold. After Basham misses a leg drop from the top rope, Benoit nails a release German suplex. With Doug down, Danny slips a chair into the ring. Benoit is able to kick the chair back into Doug's face. The ref grabs the chair from Benoit, giving Danny a chance to switch places with Doug. Benoit climbs to the top rope, but a fresh Danny rolls out of the way of a flying headbutt. Danny tries to pin Benoit, but can only get a two count. Benoit pulls off a series of German suplexes, and is able to slap the CCF on Danny. Danny Basham taps, and the match ends. A-Train jumps Benoit after the match. It takes four refs to separate the two.

Winner via submission: Chris Benoit

Earlier in the day Michael Cole sat down with Stephanie McMahon. Steph was banned from the arena by her dad for tonight's show. She wants to thank the fans and everyone else that stood by her. Don't care, don't care, DON'T CARE! At this point I switched to game 7 of the ALCS. I checked back every so often, and realized I have the perfect wedding gift for Stephanie and HHH. Acting lessons! This was a waste of fifteen minutes. 

Even after the segment aired, Cole and Tazz still try to put Steph over. Un-FREAKIN-believable!

Backstage, Nidia and Jamie Noble are talking about Steph and Vince. Tajiri overhears Noble say he hopes Vince loses, so Tajiri rats them out to the boss. Vince then sets up a match between Noble and Tajiri. He tells Tajiri he wants to see something that he has never seen before.

Match #2 - Jamie Noble with Nidia vs. Tajiri

Tajiri goes to work quickly taking out Noble's leg. Noble tries to break up the handspring elbow, but both men go down. Tajiri counters the Tiger driver, and both men fall to the outside. Nidia picks her man up, throwing him back in the ring. Tajiri grabs his Cruiserwaight Title belt. Nidia attempts to stop Tajiri from using it. She gets a blast of BLACK mist right in the kisser. We've seen red; we've seen green, but we've never seen black. Nidia freaks out, and Noble comes to aide of his woman, as we cut to commercial.

Winner via count-out: Tajiri

Back from the break, Nidia is still screaming as trainers take a look at her. Noble returns to the ring and calls out Tajiri. The Japanese Buzz saw doesn't show, so Noble goes hunting for him. He runs into an angry Brock Lesnar at the top of the ramp. Lesnar tosses Noble around; then drives him into the ring post. Noble is then F-5 on the floor.

Vince and Sable walk out. Vince shakes Brock's hand on his way into the ring. Vince gets on the mike to respond to Steph's interview. And I grab the remote to watch the baseball game. I turn back to see Sable throw in her two worthless cents. She plans on stealing Vince from Linda the way it sounds. The Sable and Vince kiss; I'm gonna be sick.

A recap of the European tour is shown.

Match #3- Eddie Guerrero vs. Rhyno

Eddie is all alone in the non-title match. He arrives in style low, driving a low-rider truck to the ring. Rhyno engages Eddie in a test of strength and overpowers Latino Heat. Eddie breaks the hold by stomping on Rhyno's hands. Rhyno grabs one of Eddie's belts and brings it into the ring. Referee Nick Patrick is on the ball, ripping the title from Rhyno's hands. Latino Heat capitalizes with a standing drop kick, followed by a head scissors. Eddie goes for the frogsplash, but Rhyno counters by getting his knees up. Both men are down as we head to a commercial break.

Rhyno has a sharpshooter locked in, when we rejoin the match. Guerrero uses an arm sweep to break the hold, and then hits a flying elbow to knock down the man beast. Guerrero is tossed from the ring, where he unties both his boots. Latino Heat grabs the bell hammer and slips it into his boot. Eddie is tossed back into the ring, and Rhyno sets him up for a gore. Guerrero pulls the ref into his way. He then pulls the hammer from his boot and tosses it to Rhyno. Patrick catches Rhyno with the hammer and takes it from him. Eddie uses this opportunity to nail Rhyno with his title belt. Latino Heat makes the pin for the victory.

Winner via pinfall: Eddie Guerrero

Eddie heads back to his truck to celebrate. Before he has a chance to drive off, Big Show attacks with a steel pipe. He smashes the back window of the truck, and then pulls Guerrero through the driver's side window. Show continues to destroy the truck, and then turns his attention to Guerrero. He power bombs Eddie across the hood of the truck, and then choke slams him on the roof. Show leaves the U.S. Champion a bloody mess. 

Match #4 - Rey Misterio vs. Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli with The FBI

Referee Brian Hebner immediately sends the FBI to the back, before the match even starts. Misterio is hung up in the tree of woe, early. The Bull charges, but catches the ring post, as Misterio sits up. Misterio uses his speed to counter the power of his opponent. He fights out of a power bomb, and sets up for a 619. Stamboli catches him in mid move, but Misterio is able to counter with the West Coast Pop, and steal a win.

Winner via pinfall: Rey Misterio

Lesnar is watching Undertaker on a monitor in the back.

Shannon Moore is checking out the damage to Eddie's truck when Matt Hardy tracks him down. Matt has a present for him. It's to celebrate his victory over Zach Gowen. It's a picture of Matt Hardy, what else?

Tonight's main event is an interview?!? Undertaker explains the rules of a biker chain match. One chain is suspended above the ring. Who ever reaches it first, will be able to use it on their opponent. ėTaker also says he is more ready then at any other time to be WWE champion. Brock Lesnar, who grabs Undertakers chain, wrapping it around the Dead Man's neck, cuts the interview short. Lesnar drags ėTaker to the ring. Undertaker is hung up on the turnbuckle, as Brock tries to choke the life from his opponent. Undertaker is able to break free, and rolls into the ring. Lesnar chops him down with a low blow, and sets him up for and F-5. Undertaker is able to break free by using the chain. He then choke slams Lesnar. The WWE champs rolls from the ring befoe Undertaker can do any real damage with the chain.

Dale Plummer is a rookie on the Slam! Wrestling staff.