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RAW: Who's next? Linda McMahon!
By
NICK TYLWALK -- SLAM! Wrestling
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Hooray for Hollywood, where criminal charges are the
current talk of the town. No, not the charges facing
Kobe, but the charges that may be facing Kane as the
result of the impromptu barbecue session he had with
Jim Ross last week. Meanwhile, Steve Austin's short
term as co-general manager might be coming to an end
thanks to the abuse of his Stunner power. Linda
McMahon will be on hand at the Staples Center and will
likely play a part in both stories. It's Raw, live
from Tinseltown.
Eric Bischoff rules the ring, and he's quite happy
that after tonight he won't have to share power with
Stone Cold. After all, in his mind it is Austin who is
responsible for Kane's month-long rampage. Bischoff
isn't alone for long as Linda McMahon makes her way
down and cuts right to the chase. She pleases the fans
and dismays Bischoff by stating that the Rattlesnake
can't be held accountable for Kane's rage. She also
shows her grasp of the obvious by saying Kane needs
some serious medical help. The Big Red Machine is
under house arrest while J.R. decides whether or not
to press charges (that means we're stuck with The
Coach again), though he will wrestle Rob Van Dam
tonight. Think of it as the ultimate work release
program. Naturally, Austin himself quickly joins the
party. He's not backing down from his stance on Kane
and is looking forward to another shot at him.
Bischoff interjects by reminding him that the Kane
issue is what's getting him fired, but Linda says she
never said anything about firing Stone Cold, just
dealing with the problem. She actually thinks Austin
has been a good GM, except for that little problem he
has with losing his patience and physically assaulting
wrestlers. Linda goes on to say that if Austin wants
to keep his job, he can't lay a finger on the
grapplers unless he is physically provoked. If he
decides he can't live with that stipulation, Bischoff
will resume his old role as the show's lone GM. The
Rattlesnake says he will think about it, but McMahon
tells him he only has a week to decide. She also says
it would be a good idea if he took the rest of the
night off, much to the delight of Bischoff. His smile
disappears quickly though, as Linda also tells him to
take a hike for this show. Austin washes all of the
tension away with a few (dozen) beers.
Match 1 - Gail Kim and Trish Stratus vs. Victoria and
Molly Holly
An electrical storm knocks out my cable for the better
part of this match, saving me the trouble of
describing it in much detail. Suffice it to say that a
Chick Kick by Stratus goes awry, hitting Gail and
allowing Molly to get the pin. Also suffice it to say
that Kim is no longer undefeated in WWE competition,
for what that's worth.
Intrepid journalist Terri tells us that Kane will be
getting a police escort tonight. You know, because
he's dangerous. Not as dangerous but a heck of a lot
more entertaining is one Chris Jericho, who will be
facing Shawn Michaels tonight. He's also proud to be
the one whose petition got the ball rolling on the
whole Austin deal. Jericho takes off when Stone Cold
actually shows up, soon followed by Bischoff. As
usual, Eric blames everything on his partner; Austin
fires back by talking about Bischoff running WCW out
of business. EB says the company was bought, and the
two of them go back and forth like stubborn children
for a few minutes. Guess the night off doesn't start
right away.
Flanked by Triple H and Ric Flair, Randy Orton heads
to the ring for his match with Val Venis. But first
maestro, a little mic time please. The youngest member
of Evolution mocks Mick Foley and the way he recently
threw Mick down a flight of steps. He wonders if that
was enough to make a name for himself, or if pinning
all three Dudleys last week might have done the trick.
Considering his successes, Orton decides to change his
nickname from Lady Killer to Legend Killer. At least
he's not lacking in self-confidence.
Match 2 - Randy Orton vs. Val Venis
Usually I take detailed notes during the matches and
try to give you a semblance of play-by-play. That's
not necessary here. Venis carries almost all of the
offense while Triple H joins the announcers and makes
cracks at J.R.'s expense. Eventually Flair interferes;
Venis makes a short rally but misses the Money Shot.
Orton hits the RKO and that's it.
Ah, but that's not it for Evolution. The world champ
grabs the mic and tells Orton to model the Evolution
t-shirt: paid, laid and made. Helmsley says there's
not a person who can stop them, so naturally someone
comes out: It's Goldberg! Heading straight for the
ring, Goldberg goes eye to eye with Triple H. He grabs
a mic and tells HHH he's next while Flair and Orton
circle around from both sides. Goldberg takes off his
shirt and a scuffle seems imminent, but Evolution
backs down and slinks out of the ring. Helmsley mouths
the words "on my own time" as the heels retreat. That
was kind of anticlimactic, but at least the rumored
feud is underway.
Young Orton is antsy to take on Goldberg for stealing
his spotlight. Fortunately for him, the Nature Boy
calms him down by telling him to wait for the right
time. Triple H tells Randy that he's done half of what
he was supposed to do tonight, now he just has to
stick to the plan so people will remember his name by
the end of the show.
Match 3 - Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels
It's pay-per-view quality on free TV. At least it's a
PPV caliber entrance by Y2J before we head to a
commercial break.
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HBK makes his classic entrance and we're underway. Arm
locks and armbars are traded until Jericho is thrown
through the ropes to the floor. Recovering quickly,
Jericho slides down out of a test of strength into a
side headlock on the mat. A sunset flip leads to a
series of pins and reversals that must have Earl
Hebner's arm hurting. Michaels goes to a headlock on
the mat but Jericho powers out with a series of
rights, a backbreaker and a few elbowdrops to earn a
near fall. Y2J tosses HBK over the top rope and mocks
the crowd with Hogan-like motions. He suplexes
Michaels back into the ring and tries to toss him out
again, but HBK grabs the top rope and hangs on.
Jericho misses off the top rope and hits the floor
hard. Shawn springboards off the middle rope to take
out his foe, then goes back in the ring and gets a two
count with a cross body off the top. Flair chooses
this moment to run down the ramp, but HBK slides out
and pops him immediately. Back in the ring, a
hurracanrana is reversed into the Walls of Jericho.
You know what that means - commercial! HBK has escaped
by the time we return, and he rains down rights from a
corner mount. Jericho breaks his momentum by back body
dropping him to the floor, where Flair takes advantage
by using his coat for a choke. CJ flies off the top
with a back elbow, but Michaels kicks out. The second
time isn't the charm as HBK catches Jericho coming off
the top again with a dropkick. A series of offensive
moves climaxes with a catapult into the corner, though
Jericho kicks out of the ensuing roll-up attempt. He
follows with a Northern Lights suplex and a bulldog,
and though he misses a Lionsault, he lands on his
feet. A second Lionsault hits but can't keep HBK down.
Michaels rallies with a powerslam and flies with a big
elbowdrop. The band warms up but Jericho ducks the
Sweet Chin Music, and Hebner gets just enough of a
bump that he misses Jericho's low blow. Y2J soon
regrets grabbing a chair as Michaels recovers and
superkicks it into his face. As Hebner and Flair
scuffle on the floor, Orton runs down and crushes HBK
with an RKO on the chair. Jericho crawls over for the
cover and almost gets the pin, but not quite. The
Walls of Jericho have HBK in trouble in the corner, so
he crawls all the way across the ring to within six
inches of the ropes. Jericho pulls him back into the
center of the ring, leaving HBK no choice but to tap
out. What a novel idea - quality wrestling on a
wrestling show.
A video package recaps Linda's chat with Stone Cold
and Bischoff. Out in the ring, Lance Storm wants to
show off his talent to the Hollywood elite (including
Rob Reiner sitting in the front row), so he reads a
prepared statement. Hey, it rhymes. Before the proud
Canadian can finish, we cut to the back where Terri
has exclusive footage of Kane being led into the
Staples Center in shackles. Take that Entertainment
Tonight.
Tonight's poll question asks whether or not J.R.
should press charges against Kane. Dear readers, I can
only hope that if someone lit you on fire you would
not wait for the results of a poll before you pressed
charges.
Match 4 - Booker T vs. Test - Intercontinental Title
Match
Test has his way early, even stopping to mock Scott
Steiner with some jumping jacks and push-ups. He isn't
laughing when Steiner comes to the stage and has a
seat while Stacy gives him a private dance. She even
puts some extra spice into it by taking off her skirt.
The first network for men indeed. Booker uses the
distraction to roll Test up with a schoolboy. That
doesn't work, so he uses the Bookend to seal the deal.
By the way, 62 percent of the poll respondents say
J.R. should go through with the charges. Wait, only 62
percent? At 10:45, my cable goes out, but it quickly
returns. Whew, that was a close one. Back in the
locker room, the boys are picking sides for the main
event. The Hurricane waxes poetic about how Kane has
changed before turning his attention to Rosie. He sees
a super hero in training, and Golddust stops by to
spell it out for him. Get it? S... h... i... eh, you can see
where this is heading. Funny one writing team!
Main Event - Kane vs. Rob Van Dam
The gimp, I mean Kane, is led to the stage by his
police escort. See kids, he's dangerous. So dangerous,
in fact, that we will need another commercial break to
ponder how truly dangerous. RVD sprints out of the
break and charges right into the fray, which gets him
tossed out of the ring. Shots are traded on the
outside and up the ramp, where Kane is in full
control. He thinks about giving Rob the "Bischoff
treatment" off the stage but Arn Anderson and a
phalanx of refs come out to put a stop to that.
Instead, Kane drives RVD headfirst into the metal wall
above one of the video screens. That's going to leave
a mark. The Big Bald Machine pushes his way past the
officials and menaces Linda Mac, who has foolishly
come to observe and is way too close to the action. He
grabs her by the neck, but Jerry Lawler comes to the
rescue. The King is easily repulsed and Kane turns his
attention back to Mrs. M. Linda goes upside down and
gets a Tombstone (a very careful Tombstone mind you)
on the stage. Arn, the refs and even The Coach hustle
over to aid Linda as Kane walks out and Raw goes off
the air sans announcers.
Nick Tylwalk has been a SLAM! Wrestling contributor
since 1998. He's currently reinforcing his apartment
door just in case Kane's work release program brings
him to Elizabethtown, Pennsylvania.
