July 4, 2003
Smackdown!: Dream comes true for Gowan
By JASON CLEVETT -- SLAM! Wrestling
Tonight, Slam! is proud to bring you an established and respected reviewer from Alberta - no, not that guy. Jason Clevett, bringing you all the Smackdown with half the other guys bitterness and sarcasm!
The show started tonight with a video recap of Vince\'s failure at inducting Gowan into the Kiss my Ass Club. Then we get Sir McMahon looking evil and promising to end Mr. America, as well as give us the first legitimate Handicapped Match. See, it\'s funny, since Gowan only has one leg. And by funny, I mean tasteless and insulting.
With that, we go to Rochester, New York and right into your first match.
Match 1: Rey Mysterio defends the Cruiserweight Belt against Nunzio!!
Mike Chiota kicks the FBI out to start. Rey goes all highspotty with legscissors and somersault planchas until Nunzio turns a west coast pop into a powerbomb and takes over for a bit with submission moves. Rey comes back with a Tornado DDT, a west coast pop and a standing moonsault that nearly ends it. The FBI makes their presence known and attack poor little Rey, before the APA come out and resolve that issue. Man I can\'t wait for that classic. Rey hits the 619, springboard legdrop ends the hot opener. Billy Kidman comes in and celebrates with him. Kidman vs. Rey vs. Dragon? I can deal with that.
Winner via pin fall: Rey Mysterio
We come back to the first of a series of skits with Brock Lesnar and Kurt Angle that are fricken hysterical, shades of Angle & Austin from 2001. Kurt and Brock argue over their championships, and which of them a hot chick was talking to when she said \"Hey champ.\" Kurt and Brock are chugging Milk. I love it. Skit ends when Angle is talking the aforementioned chick and Brock hits him in the back, giving her a milk shower. I can\'t do justice to this.
Match 2: The Basham Brothers vs. Benoit and Rhyno.
Shaniqua is whipping the Basham\'s... Interesting. What is it with so many WWE wrestlers being bald right now? Bashams work over Rhyno for a bit until the hot tag. A cool spot sees him slide under a clothesline into a dropkick. A hot series of moves leads to a cross-face, broken up by Doug. The diving headbutt connects, Doug breaks up again. Danny trips up a gore, Bashams go for their finish, Gore by Rhyno, crossface by Benoit and that is all she wrote. Shaniqua beckons to Benoit, who is dragged out of the ring by Rhyno-. Maybe that heel stable is going to be Benoit and the Bashams?
Winners by submission: Chris Benoit & Rhyno
And then things grind to a halt with talking. Stephanie looks a little nervous talking to her Dad about the match. Another strange segment between these two. Stephanie tells her dad she isn\'t a wrestler, yet conveniently has boots, pads, and a wrestling outfit? Ooook. Stephanie seems about to cry, but Vince refuses to back down.
I love the Vengeance commercial with Kurt Angle.
More talking as everyone\'s favorite mature hottie and Stephanie chat. Sable promises to take the reigns as general manager if Stephanie gets hurt.
And yet more segments, as everyone\'s favorite hillbillies talk about their lottery winnings outside their limo. Noble is a \"Better looking Terminator\" with Arnie shades, and Nidia shows of her genuine imitation mock mink fur coat, that is so beautiful she will wear it all year round. Then Noble steals the driver\'s tip. We don\'t see them again.
Had enough of the talking yet? Too bad, you get more, as Undertaker and Orlando Jordan talk in the back. Taker goes on a rant about earning respect, I can\'t even cover this because it annoys me. Suffice it to say, the thrilling \"John Cena gets squashed by Undertaker\" that we are all awaiting, continues to build here. John Cena calls Taker a \"White boy.\" LOL. This segment just got amusing, thanks to Cena.
After all of that chance for the crowd to get nachos, we finally get to our next match.
Match 3: US Title Tournament - Billy Gunn vs. John Cena
And the crowd continues to get their nachos during Gunn\'s entrance. STILL no brackets for the tournament. Crowd comes alive for Cena, who busts another hysterically dope rhyme. \"I\'m not nervous cuz you got this weird fetish for butts, I\'m scared cuz your favorite food is sausage and nuts. You can\'t handle the truth Billy, you\'d rather feel up Chuck. You don\'t want to wrestle me, all you want is to -\" use your imagination on that one. Gunn is not impressed and takes control. Dear god, Gunn has been tag champ ten times??? Crowd chants \"Let\'s go Cena.\"
Tazz is on fire tonight with innuendo, commenting that Nidia\'s fur coat was a \"Nice beaver.\" Cole corrected him that it was in fact, a mink. Back to the match, which has been, well, there. Cena grabs his chain, here comes the Undertaker, who distracts him. Small package by Gunn, advancing in the tournament- I don\'t know why either.
Winner by Pinfall: Billy Gunn..
Now is the part where I curl up in a ball and cry for a bit, because this match did nothing for anyone, especially Cena who is so over with the crowd, it makes sense that Undertaker would want to crush him.
Hey I said half the bitterness of the Edmonton guy, I still have some in me.
Moving on to another awesome Angle/Lesnar segment. Brock actually is quite amusing in these, I guess the Unstoppable Monster thing kind of fell flat, but this could be successful. Angle challenges Brock to a push-up contest, 300 push-ups. I am howling during this, seriously, watch SD just for these guys. We come back from commercial and Brock is at 296. He strains his way to 301 and collapses. \"Ok Kurt, your turn.\" \"You know what Brock? You win.\" BWAHAHAHAHA. God I missed Angle.
Match 4: WWE Tag Team Championship - Benjamin and Haas vs. Eddie & Tajiri
Another in a series of great matches with these guys. The crowd is really pro-Eddie. Cole calls him Guerrera...wrong Latino dude. The action in this match is just off the wall. The end is near when Shelton superkicks Tajiri off the apron and onto the hood of the car! Ouch! Eddie looks upset at his partner\'s injury and is promptly caught by Haas with an inverted atomic drop. Shelton superkicks him, Charlie rolls through and we have two time tag champions after a great 15-minute match.
Winners by pin fall: And new tag team champions, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas.
So we get Big Show bullying Zack Gowan in the back, threatening to go after the leg. Wow what an original strategy. Back at ringside, Eddie is still concerned. He goes to his partner and- throws him off the hood of the car. Yes, his concern was the damage to the car. Eddie decides to just write it off completely by planting Tajiri through the windshield- ouch again. Yes, they turned the super-over Eddy heel again. But hey if it leads to some good Tajiri vs. Guerrero matches, I can live with that.
We also had a Mr. America video in there, but we all know he\'s gone, thus the fireworks and partying on Tuesday night. What do you mean that wasn\'t the reason?
Match 5: Orlando Jordan vs. A-Train.
Jordan moves fast but Train just keeps beating him down. Train totally dominates him, and puts him in the Gory Guerrero special, which is reversed into a sunset flip for a two count. Every time Orlando starts to get any momentum Train goes back to beating on him. He finally makes a comeback and then is hit with a derailer- for a 2 count? Ok that surprised me. The train wreck however, does put him down. Yeah, lets debut a guy and have him put over A-Train.
Winner by pin fall: A-Train.
Big Show gets all creepy with Steph, sniffing her hair and such. Then Vince tells Show to watch the next segment because it involves him and Mr. America.
Wrestlemania flashback: Alice Cooper and Jake Roberts at WM 3 attacking Jimmy Hart with Damien.
So we head to the ring, and McMahon spends 10 minutes to basically show footage of Hogan taking off his mask at MSG, fire him, and add Big Show to the Main Event of Vengeance- why? What were they thinking \"Hey, Big Show\'s last dozen matches with Brock were great, lets spice up this crappy Angle/Brock match\"??
Oh yeah, and the main event tonight is now no DQ, no holds barred.
Speaking of everyone\'s favorite 500 pounds of uselessness, he heads to the ring as Cole and Tazz remind us to watch the crowd for SLAM! staff at Smackdown! in Toronto next week! Just look for the goofy looking guys.
Match 6: Stephanie McMahon & Zack Gowan vs. The Big Show
Vince and Sable are sitting at ringside as Zack, complete with his own entrance music and video joins Stephanie in the ring. Gowan goes right at him with punches and Show just tosses him around. He rips of Gowan\'s shirt, G is a scrawny little fella, and goes outside. Steph jumps on Shows back and is gently deposited on the floor. Why couldn\'t you have been that careful with Rey you oaf? Z goes under the ring, Show pulls off his leg, and Zack comes out the other side and hits a baseball slide and a pescado, which Show catches. Show continues to dominate, including pressing Steph over the top into the ring. Big Show shows his strength by lifting Steph in the air for quite awhile. Of course he comes Vince, who says chokeslam her. Gowan breaks it up with a dropkick, but Vince gets Show to chokeslam him. Steph slaps Vince, cue the run-ins as Angle comes in, Ankle lock, Vince breaks it up with a chairshot. Zack dropkicks a chair into Show\'s face, Angle Slam, F-5 and a one-legged moonsault by Gowan, and Zack gets his contract and the crowd goes insane.
Winner by pin fall: Zack Gowan and Stephanie.
Jason\'s analysis: A mis-match show. While you can\'t help but be inspired by Zack Gowan, and tonight had three good matches, garbage like continuing to push Billy Gunn, putting Taker over everyone, just goes the opposite of what they should be trying to do.
Anyway, it\'s been a slice, next week you will be relieved to know that the Plummer should be back doing his regular recaps.
Jason Clevett just moved back to Calgary. He has been a internet wrestling journalist for 7 years but feels contributing to SLAM is one of the highlights but he deserves a hefty raise. Feeling that Nick TV and Plummer Vision are goofy names, he suggests that TNN should become C-TV.