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Smackdown!: Big Show, Lesnar bring down house
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling


It\'s only three days from Bad Blood and Smackdown! has yet to announce any matches for the upcoming PPV. In fact, there are two title matches on tonight\'s show. This doesn\'t make sense. Why give away title matches for free with a PPV three days away? What? Bad Blood is a RAW only production. Why am I always the last to find out about these things?

Match #1 - Rey Misterio vs. Matt Hardy (v1.0)  Cruiserweight Title Match

Rey Misterio greets the crowd in Orlando as he prepares to defend the belt he won off Hardy last week. Matt is backstage chewing out his MF-er\'s Shannon Moore and Crash. He pins last week\'s loss and them and also beats them down for good measure. Matt looks like he but on a few pounds. Can we get a scale out here, and make sure is less than 220 pounds? Plenty of high spots in this match, as Misterio hits a bulldog off the top rope. Rey is still selling the groin injury as he \"tweaks\" it during the match. It doesn\'t slow him down from hitting the 619 and eventually the West Coast Pop to retain the title.

Winner and still Cruiserweight Champion: Rey Misterio

It\'s that time again boys and girls. Piper\'s Pit is on the air. This week\'s show has an international flair to it and Piper sets out a mini-buffet for his guests this week. Sushi and tacos are on the menu as Los Guerrero\'s hit the ring in a tricked out Impala. Once in the ring Eddie and Tajiri are asked to let Sean O\'Haire see one of their tag team title belts. Eddie says no, but Tajiri gladly gives his up for some sushi. O\'Haire said he\'d give back, but in the spirit of Los Guerrero\'s he lied. Tajiri then trades shots with Piper, not fists, but something much worse, tequila. Tajiri spits the liquor back in Piper\'s face. Eddie flips the tables and knock down O\'Haire, as Tajiri grabs his belt back. Los Guerrero\'s take off in their sweet ride.

Backstage, Sable is working on something on her computer. Steph enters and asks for a Zach Gowen\'s contract. Sable can\'t find it, but she does congratulate Steph on the plans to bring back the U.S. Title. Steph thanks Sable for ruining the surprise. The GM then question Sables motives and tells her not to mess with her.

Match #2 - A-Train vs. Billy \"Mr. Ass\" Gunn

Yes, you read that correctly, Billy Gunn is back. Torrie Wilson decided to take over the ring announcing duties for this match. She should stick to her day job, looking good. Gunn makes short work of A-Train hitting the Fame-Asser to win the match. Torrie helped Billy celebrate the match with a \"Good Game\" smack on the rear. Torrie let Billy do the same to her. Man, all I got for winning my first roller hockey game was a bum knee. Life just isn\'t fair, sometimes.

Winner: Billy Gunn

Match #3 - Undertaker vs. Johnny \"The Bull\" Stamboli w/ the FBI

Pretty standard match with the FBI involved. Undertaker overcomes the numbers game to win the match. Stamboli ends up on the wrong end of the Last Ride. After the match Undertaker chases Nunzio over the security barrier only to get liad out by Palmubo. Palumbo throws the Dead man back into the ring, only to get choke slammed for his efforts. Palumbo was looking at the Last Ride until Nunzio made the save with a steel chair to \'Takers head.

Winner: The Undertaker

Backstage Mr. America is getting Zach Gowen pumped for his arm wrestling match.  

It\'s arm wrestling time! Steph makes her way to the ring, telling us hse will be overseeing tonight\'s match. Sable interrupts the GM as she is introducing Zach Gowen. Mr. America joins the young man in the ring. After Vince makes his way to the ring, Mr. America issues a challenge to Vince. Vince declines, until Sable whispers something in his ear. Vince agrees to arm wrestle Mr. America, with two stipulation. Gowen\'s contract isn\'t on the line, and if Mr. America loses, he has to leave the ring. UmmmÖVince, excuse me, but what about having Mr. America take his mask off? Or have you forgotten the one thing you have obsessed about the past month? Anyway, Vince beats Mr. America in the arm wrestling match after Sable flashed her assets. This is a family website, so I will refrain from making a joke here, but it won\'t stop me from making an obscure 80\'s reference. Man, I haven\'t seen this much action since \"Over the Top\"!

Mr. America leaves the ring as this angle brings the show to a grinding halt. Vince also kicks his own daughter, and the show\'s GM, out of the ring. Sable, seeing the writing on the wall, leaves, too. Zach is left in the ring alone with Vince and they get down to business. Zach has Vince beat, until Vince kicks his legs out from under him to get the pin. Vince tells Zach to get the hell out of his ring. Zach then rips his prosthetic leg off and beats Vince with it. He then climbs to turn buckle and drops his good leg across Vince\'s throat. Mr. America storms the ring a carries Zach out on his shoulders. Okay, none of that happened. Zach just leaves the ring dejected, as Vince mocks him. In fact Vince tells him he wants athletes, not freaks. How do you explain Big Show, then, Vince? I want answers, darn it! In fact, I want to know how they botched this angle, too? Somebody has a lot of explaining to do!

Match #4 - Chris Benoit and Rhyno vs The Basham Brothers w/ Shaniqua

The Basham\'s new escort is actually Linda Miles, one of the winners of Tough Enough 2, a.k.a. the season we wished never happened. Benoit misses a flying head butt, but recovers to slap on the Cross Face Crippler. Danny jumps in the save brother Doug, and that\'s when all heck breaks loose. Rhyno accidentally knocks out Benoit, allowing the Bashams to pick up the victory. After the match Rhyno and Benoit get in each other\'s faces.

Winner: The Basham Brothers

After the break, we see Rhyno and Benoit backstage having a discussion about trust.

Match #5 - John Cena vs. Funaki

This match is just screen time for Cena. He cuts a viscous rap on Cole and Funaki. Funaki decides to rap, too. He belts out a pretty lame cheerleading routine, and receives a mean clothesline for his efforts. It doesn\'t take Cens long to hit the F-U and pick up a win.

Winner: John Cena

Kurt Angle enters the ring to another warm reception. He is looking forwards to tonight\'s title match. He first has some business to attend to. Angle calls out Team Angle, who called in sick last week for Kurt\'s return. Angle tells the boys he understands why they never called him in the hospital, but he doesn\'t understand why they weren\'t there last week. Benjamin tells Kurt they were sick last week, sick of being in his shadow. Benjamin and Haas blame Kurt for them losing the tag titles. Kurt tells the team to stop whining and let\'s get those title\'s back. Team Angle has other plans, they have voted Kurt out as team captain, and have voted themselves in as co-captains. Kurt says as founder of Team Angle he can still make decisions, and he decides to kick Benjamin and Haas of the team!

After the break, Benjamin and Haas are begging to be back on Team Angle. When Kurt says no, they jump the Olympic champ and beat him senseless.

Match #6 - The Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar WWE Title match

This match was actually pretty good as Lesnar can carry Show performance-wise. Lesnar hit a big German suplex, but I\'ll cut to the chase here. The spot of night, no week, no maybe even the spot of the year occurred right here. Show tried to choke slam Lesnar from the middle rope. Lesnar counters and sets Big Show up for a superplex. Lesnar get the big man over, and the impact collapsed the ring. I\'m not talking about a hole here. I\'m talking about the ring posts shooting out to the side and the whole ring exploding. It was insane. I don\'t even care that the ring was rigged to that it was awesome. The referee stopped the match right there, and the show ended with both men out cold in the ring.

Still WWE Champion via double count-out: Brock Lesnar

Dale Plummer is a rookie on the Slam! Wrestling staff.  Dale wonders what it would take to have Torrie Wilson announce the Icehound\'s roller hockey games. If she can\'t motivate the team, no one can.