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Smackdown!: Mr. McMahon outsmarts Mr. America
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling


After a pretty poor showings with Judgment Day and Monday Night RAW, Smackdown! couldn\'t possibly be as bad as these shows, could it? Well, we\'ll find out as Smackdown! comes to us taped in Greensboro, North Carolina.

The show starts off fast, as Vince McMahon jumps out of his limo as he comes to a stop. He looks quite angry heading to the ring. Vince grabs a mike on the way and tells the crowd that he won\'t put up with their crap tonight. He\'s here to address the mistakes made on Smackdown! You know what. It\'s about time. I start have delusions of Paul Heyman taking over the writing duties again, until I hear Vince ramble on about how Mr. America is Hulk Hogan. I guess my list of mistakes is different than his. In short, Vince pretty much says he is in charge tonight. What a great vote of confidence in your daughter, Vince! Mr. McMahon does GUARANTEE that he will be smiling by the end of the night. How about a GUARANTEE that the viewers will be smiling by the end of the night!

Smackdown! has a new opening video montage and music. I\'m glad that so much hard work went into that, as opposed to writing compelling story lines.

Match #1 - Team Angle vs. Los Guerreros (Eddie and Tajiri) WWE Tag Team Title Match

From here on out,  I am considering Tajiri an adopted member of the Guerrero family. Why you ask? Well, he comes out to Los Guerrero\'s music, and I think it would be cool. Eddie should start adopting other members of the Smackdown! roster, like Funaki or Bill DeMott ( I checked, he\'s still on the roster). It could be a whole stable of Los Guerroros! (Note: I\'m writing this at 2 a.m., after a two-hour roller hockey practice)

Anyway, to the match. Team Angle has invoked the automatic rematch clause in their contract. Michael Cole delivers the big news, though. Kurt Angle will return in two weeks!  In the words of Homer Simpson, WOO HOO! This was a good match all around, except for the commercial break taken mid-match. Haas sets up Guerrero for a superplex, but Eddie pushes Haas off and tries to land a Frog splash. Haas blocks it by getting his knees up. The match ends when Eddie hits the ref with a chair but throws it at Haas. The ref looks up and sees Haas \"holding the bag\", so to speak, and DQ\'s Team Angle. Los Guerreros live up to the family motto of \"Lie, cheat, and steal\", to retain the tag belts.

Winner and still WWE Tag team champs: Los Guerreros via DQ

Backstage Vince and Steph have a touching Daddy/Daughter moment. Not really but Steph seems fine handing the reigns of tonight\'s show over to Daddy.

Oh, goodie, Vince is headed back to the ring! He is still disappointed in the mistakes that were made, and now it\'s time to pay the piper. Or, should I say it\'s time for the Piper to pay. Oh, that Vince kills me! Piper slinks to the ring with Sean O\'Haire in tow. Vince demands an apology, and Piper actually gives him one, reluctantly, but it\'s an apology. Vince accepts, but not before slapping Piper. Vince goes in for a second shot, but Piper is ready. Threats are made and a geriatric beatdown looks imminent. O\'Haire steps between the two men, and says that the whole mess with Mr. America at Judgment Day was his fault. O\'Haire, like the good lackey he is, takes the full blame for Piper\'s mistake. He then offers to take on Mr. America himself, tonight. Vince likes it, on one condition, if he loses Piper is fired!

Match #2 - John Cena vs. Brian \"Spanky\" Kendrick

I know I said that I would refer to Kendrick as \"Spanky\", but it\'s just easier, too, and quite frankly, I\'m lazy. So, Spanky it is. Cena gets lyrical once, again, and if what they say is true, that he writes all his own material, the boy got mad skills. Spanky gets a big \"E\" for effort, but that won\'t cut it against Cena. The rapper just overpowers Spanky and wins with the \"F-U\"- which has to be my favorite name for a finisher.

Winner: John Cena via pinfall.

The FBI is back stage discussing which one of them will face Brock. Stamboli thought they said \"Rock\" and threatens to knock of the people\'s eyebrow. Nunzio and Palumbo just shake their heads.

Match #3 - Chris Benoit vs. Matt Hardy (v1.0) w/ Shannon Moore and Crash Holly Non- Title match

Rey Misterio joins Cole and Tazz at the announce table to provide some commentary. Hardy takes full advantage of his MF-er\'s, as they distract the ref; he hits Benoit with a low blow. Benoit counters a \"Twist of Fate\" and follows it with a strong snap suplex. Benoit goes up top and hits a flying head butt. Misterio takes some quick action, preventing Moore from breaking up the Crippler Cross Face, which makes Hardy tap out.

Winner: Chris Benoit via tap-out

The leader of Mattitude is not happy and grabs a stick. He tells Misterio that he can get a Cruiserweight Title match whenever he wants, if he beats Shannon Moore and Crash, though. Oh, yeah, and then match has to happen, right now!

Match #4 - Rey Misterio vs. Shannon Moore and Crash Holly Handicap elimination match

Just like the WWE, I\'ll join this match in progress. Misterio hits a double-DDT to take control. Moore tastes the business end of a 619 and then gets pinned after Misterio hit a west-coast pop. Crash was dispatched moments later with a roll-up. Looks like Misterio will get his title shot.

Winner: Rey Misterio via pinfall.

After the match Hardy shows his displeasure. Shannon Moore gets a Twist of Fate for his efforts. And not to play favorites, he gives Crash one, too.

Backstage, on a special set, Steph is interviewing Zach Gowen, the \"fan\" who saved Mr. America last week and was also his guest at Judgment Day. Steph has no business interviewing anyone. Barbara Walters, she ain\'t. I won\'t even mention how WWE botched this kid\'s debut.  Anyway, Gowen did give us his life story straight up. He did lose a leg to cancer and was inspired to become a pro wrestler by Hulk Hogan. He tells Steph that it\'s his goal now to become a \"Smackdown! superstar\". We then see Vicne watching the end of the interview. I bet he\'s up to something, and it\'s not good.

Mr. America is posing for publicity photos until Vince gets in his face. Mr. McMahon tell Mr. America that he has added another stipulation to tonight match. If Mr. America loses he\'ll have to take a lie detector test next week on Smackdown! Mr. America refuses at first until Vince threatens to shatter the dreams of young Zach. Vince will make sure Gowen won\'t be able to sign anywhere in the world. Hey, Vince, I\'m sure NWA:TNA would love to have him back. Mr. America leaves, but not before calling Vince a S.O.B. Vince totally goes off. He needs some Prozac or Valium...or something.

Match #5 - Brock Lesnar vs. A member of the FBI  (Non-Title match)

All three goomba\'s make there way to the ring. They huddle outside talking over who will face the champ. All three hit the ring. Lesnar makes a run at Nunzio, but is overpowered by Stamboli and Palumbo. When the smoke clears and the bell rings to start the match, Stamboli is the only FBI member in the ring, so I guess he\'s taking on Lesnar. Lesnar eventually falls prey to the numbers game and Stamboli is DQ-ed when Nunzio and Palumbo interfere. The Undertaker is back! The Dead Man storms the ring and cleans house. The good news? No sign of Nathan Jones!

Winner: Brock Lesnar via DQ

Sable has a couple of  announcements to make. First she plugs her pictorial in the new RAW magazine. The she seems to have a bone to pick with Tazz. She questions his excitement over Torrie Wilson at Judgment Day. Sable seems to think that Tazz didn\'t ask the audience to decide who the winner was during the bikini contest. I saw Judgment Day, and I think Tazz did ask the audience. She said that Tazz made a premature decision, but then, acting premature comes naturally to Tazz. She then empties a water bottle all over Tazz\'s head and leaves.

Backstage, Piper promises Vince that he will have happy night. Vince says he will one-way or the other. (Insert evil laugh, here).

Match #6 - Mr. America w/ Zach Gowen vs. Sean O\'Haire w. Rowdy Roddy Piper

Piper interferes early and O\'Haire capitalizes. Mr. America regains the momentem and hits the leg drop. Piper interrupts the count; then Vince McMahon\'s music hits. Vince makes his way to the ring with some of North Carolina\'s finest. Vince grabs a stick and announces that someone here is going to be arrested, and that someone is Zach Gowen. Apparently Gowen didn\'t have a pass for Judgment Day and trespassed on Vince\'s property. Last time I checked, Vince didn\'t own the arenas they performed at. Vince also wants him arrested for assault. Vince then grabbed the kid\'s cane and said it was a weapon. Mr. America tried to come to the kid\'s defense, only to be counted out and lose the match. Mr. America is stunned by this turn of events, but he doesn\'t have much time to think as Piper clocks him with a steel chair.

Winner: Sean O\'Haire via count-out.

It looks like next week\'s Smackdown! is shaping up to look like an episode of Law & Order. But wait, we all know lie detector tests don\'t hold up in court.

Dale Plummer is a rookie on the Slam! Wrestling staff.  Dale is sorry for the heavy sarcasm. It\'s the result of a trickle-down effect from his roommate\'s, Nick Tylwalk, RAW report.