SLAM! Sports SLAM! Wrestling
   Tue, May 20, 2003



News & Rumours
Bios
Obits
Canadian Hall of Fame
WrestleMania 30
WrestleMania 30 photos
Video
Movie Database
Minority Mat Report
Columnists
Features
Results Archive
PPV Reviews
SLAM! Wrestling store
On Facebook
On Twitter
Send Feedback




Photo Galleries

Heroes & Legends IV fan fest


NXT Takeover: Fatal 4 Way


ROH All Star Extravaganza VI


PWG Battle of L.A.: Night 2


PWG Battle of L.A.: Night 1


SummerSlam


Kevin Steen







SCOREBOARD
PHOTO GALLERY
VIDEO GALLERY
COMMENT




RECENT PHOTO GALLERIES: Heroes & Legends IV
NXT Takeover: Fatal 4 Way | ROH All Star Extravaganza
PWG Battle of L.A.: Night 1 | Night 2 | SummerSlam | Kevin Steen

THE SCOOP: Visit our News & Rumours page.


Raw: More snores and bores
By NICK TYLWALK -- SLAM! Wrestling


Believe it or not, there was a pay-per-view Sunday night. That means that with the train wreck that was Judgment Day 2003 behind us, tonight\'s Raw from Greenville, South Carolina, could possibly send things in a new direction. The key word, of course, is possibly. Cross your fingers and hope for the best as Raw hits the airwaves, live from the Bi-Lo Center.

As contractually obligated, another episode begins with an appearance by Stone Cold Steve Austin. The co-general manager wants to talk about Judgment Day, and specifically Eric Bischoff\'s inability to handle his beer. He makes us watch Bischoff\'s \"puking\" incident several times from different angles. Yep, that\'s high comedy. Getting down to business, Austin wants to find out who almost ran over Goldberg (remember him?) last week. He also wants World Champion Triple H to join him in the ring. And there\'s no time for his famous water spitting entrance either. Austin points out the beating Helmsley took at the hands of Kevin Nash on Sunday and says he will wrestle tonight. Not surprisingly, Triple H is in no mood to wrestle. But Austin persists, and says he\'ll let the champ pick his own opponent as long as it\'s a former world champ. That means it could be Kane, Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho, Nash or Ric Flair. Austin looks glum as the heels leave, secure in their feeling that they\'ve just outsmarted the boss.

Apparently there\'s a poll running on WWE.com to allow viewers to vote for who they think ran down Goldberg. Oh man, I\'ve got to go log on to my computer right now!

Match 1 - Dudley Boyz vs. Three Minute Warning

Jamal and Rosie really need to be repackaged as No Heat Warning, because the fans just don\'t care about them. D-Von gets low bridged and scrambles to kick out a few seconds later to no reaction from the crowd. Bubba gets hot tagged in, hitting a cross body on Rosie and a neckbreaker that forces a save- still no heat. The Dudleyz hit Rosie with a double suplex and the Whassup headbutt finally stirs the passions of the South Carolina faithful. D-Von gets the table but it\'s kicked into his face. Jamal hits a Samoan drop and makes the cover; the referee rightly points out that he\'s not the legal man. D-Von is set up on the table, but he rolls out of the way of Jamal\'s splash and helps Bubba hit a 3-D on Rosie. Bubba covers and gets the pinfall. After the bell, a frustrated Rico announces that he\'s leaving 3MW. Nobody cares.

Austin goes to check on his partner Eric Bischoff, who is busy sleeping off his hangover from his drinking escapades at Judgment Day. Stone Cold suggests a little hair of the dog that bit him, namely more beer. Bischoff \"vomits\" again, this time on his own portrait. Hilarious - that kills me every time. Nash stops Austin out in the hallway, but any objection the big man might have goes away quickly when the Rattlesnake tells him he\'ll get to face the winner of the Triple H-Flair match. Speaking of those two men, Triple H makes it clear to Ric that he\'s expected to lay down. But I\'m not so sure.

It\'s got to be time for a match, right? Nope, it\'s another edition of Jericho\'s Highlight Reel. It\'s not your imagination, he really does have a more elaborate set every week, including a spiffy new Jeritron 5000 plasma TV this time. His guest tonight is Christian, who is sporting a new, shorter haircut and a little piece of gold known as the Intercontinental Title. Jericho acts upset that Christian eliminated him from the battle royal, then changes course and says he would have done the exact same thing. He\'s happy that his fellow Canadian is \"all growns up\" (Swingers anyone?), but he goes to the tape to examine allegations that Christian cheated. Smugly, the new I-C champ claims that Christian rules, but Rob Van Dam comes down to offer a more fitting catchphrase: \"Christian sucks!\". Van Dam tries to goad Christian into putting his belt up tonight, but he refuses and enlists Jericho to help administer a beating. Fellow tag team champ Kane comes to the rescue, driving the heels from the ring. Austin suddenly appears on the Titan Tron, which is a little too much Lawnmower Man for me. The omnipresent co-GM wants to see a tag team title match right now.

Match 2 - Christian and Chris Jericho vs. Kane and RVD - World Tag Team Title Match

Looks like Christian will be forced to fight this one in his street clothes. Kane throws Jericho to the floor and Van Dam follows with a somersault plancha. Things go back in the ring as Kane drills Jericho with a sidewalk slam and RVD hits Rolling Thunder. Van Dam gets knocked around for a bit before he finally tags his partner back in. Kane\'s rampage ends with a chokeslam on Christian, but Jericho knocks Van Dam off the top rope and prevents the Five Star. With the ref distracted, a low kick sets up a Lionsault, but Kane manages to kick out. The heels grab chairs and line up for a Con-chair-to as the ref calls for the bell. My partner in crime Dale Plummer is beside himself realizing that Nick Patrick actually disqualified someone. Booker T saves the day, clearing the ring and treating everyone to a Spineroonie.

J.R. and The King do some more stumping for the Goldberg vote. Hold on a sec while I log on and vote again.

And I\'m back, just in time to see Michaels make an emotional plea for Flair to wrestle Triple H honestly. Hey, I think Flair is crying. Out in the ring, Teddy Long is admitting that the competition for Rodney Mack\'s White Boy Challenges has been, to this point, pretty underwhelming. So he throws out an open challenge to any established white superstar, and Spike Dudley appears to answer it.

Match 3 - Rodney Mack vs. Spike Dudley - Five Minute White Boy Challenge

I\'m not really taking notes here, but the drama is whether or not Spike can hold out for the five minutes. He gets in some early offense, then basically just tries to hold on for dear life. Mack gets his new submission hold (the Blackout) locked in, and poor Spike finally has to tap out with just one second left. I have to confess that I found Teddy Long\'s bit funny a few weeks ago. I\'m not proud of myself.

After tormenting Bischoff with a bullhorn, Austin decides that all Eric needs to feel better is the company of a couple women. Say, Moolah and Mae Young? Picture me on the floor laughing. Stop it WWE, you\'re too much.

It\'s about this time that I realize that it\'s 10:25 and there have only been three matches, one of which featured Three Minute Warning and another of which was a White Boy Challenge. Plus I\'ve never seen the movie \'Bad Boys\'. These are the things I think about when it\'s a commercial and Raw is boring.

Match 4 - La Resistance vs. Scott Steiner and Test

Sweet. A low voltage rematch from the PPV is just what I need to get me out of the doldrums. Test is in trouble early and Stacy is already tending to Steiner. As you might guess, Test gets knocked into Steiner and quickly rolled up for the three count. Shoving ensues and Stacy ends up in the middle of a tug-of-war. Finally she just leaves both men standing and takes off up the ramp.

Austin prepares for some questioning in his hastily prepared (meaning it has a cardboard sign) Interrogation Room. And it seems 265,262 people have voted in the Goldberg poll, which Dale has calculated at about 12 percent of the viewing audience. The Rock is the leading vote getter with 29 percent of the votes. Summoning the spirit of Rick Pitino, I have to say this: The Rock is not walking through that curtain.

Lance Storm is in the hot seat, and he folds pretty quickly, admitting that he was driving the car that buzzed Goldberg\'s limo. He claims it wasn\'t his idea, but Austin doesn\'t much care and orders him to face Goldberg. Elsewhere, Triple H is getting taped up for his bout when Flair drops by to state in no uncertain terms that he\'s not laying down. Whoo!

Match 5 - Lance Storm vs. Goldberg

This won\'t take long. How about powerslam, pumphandle fallaway slam, Spear and Jackhammer? No, really, that\'s it.

Not so fast Jericho. The Highlight of the Night is stopped on his way out by The Coach and questioned about Storm\'s allegations. He confesses that he was behind the attempted vehicular assault, but he claims he\'ll put it all to rest next week by inviting Goldberg on to the Highlight Reel.

Main Event - Ric Flair vs. Triple H - World Title Match

The Nature Boy chops away as the champ sells his injuries. A suplex on the floor and a hanging suplex in the ring force Triple H to scramble to kick out. H nails a spinebuster but Flair rallies right back. A string of moves sets up the Figure Four and gets the crowd going for one of the few times all night. Helmsley finally reaches the ropes, then clamps on a sleeper. The ref takes a bump as Flair gets a facebuster. The Game goes for his belt, but Flair ducks and hits a poke to the eye, a low kick and a belt shot of his own. He revives the ref and makes the cover. Triple H barely kicks out and I openly curse myself for thinking he might do the job. A series of reversals ends in a Pedigree and Helmsley escapes with his title. Nash wastes no time heading for the ring and Triple H makes a hasty retreat. Collapsing on the stage, the world champ has one more rude surprise: Austin comes out and announces that he\'ll face Big Daddy Cool in a Hell in the Cell match at Bad Blood. The excitement in the air is tangible as another edition of Raw is in the books.

Nick Tylwalk has been a SLAM! Wrestling contributor since 1998. He apologizes for the abnormally high sarcasm content in this report but hopes you trust him when he says it was warranted.