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J-Day just pure vomit
By
JOHN POWELL -- SLAM! Wrestling
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It was only fitting that Raw Co-GM Eric Bischoff \"threw up\" on the fans
in attendance for the Judgment Day pay-per-view as that\'s exactly what the
entire show amounted to. It was an affront to any discriminating
professional wrestling fan and an outright embarrassment to each and every
WWE employee. Truth be told, Judgment Day 2003 ranks as one of the worst
pay-per-views ever put on by the WWE and anyone associated with the booking
and management of the show should be given five stiff chair shots to the
head as a reward for such an appalling job. There has been nothing this bad
since the dying days of World Championship Wrestling, a company that the
crumbling WWE now mirrors in all the worst ways possible.
It is abundantly clear that the WWE couldn\'t care less about its fans at
the present time. If it did, it wouldn\'t feed them such vomit as Backlash
and J-Day 2003 and have the unmitigated gall to ask them to shell out their
hard-earned money to watch them.
From purely a business perspective, you have to wonder what the WWE
braintrust is thinking...if it is at all anymore. One gets the sense that
anyone who isn\'t a McMahon has just thrown up their hands in utter
frustration and stopped beating their heads against a brick wall that won\'t
budge. J-Day certainly wasn\'t the kind of show you would expect from an
ailing firm desperately trying to rebuild its eroding fan base. A company
that is in such a state of disarray that in handing out questionnaires at
house shows has all but admitted that they are totally out of touch with
their remaining viewers. Viewers who are treated to feuds they don\'t care
about. Matches that draw no heat. Fiercely unpopular stars pushed as main
event talent. Matches that are shorter than your average commercial break.
Anyone with half a brain cell left in their head knows that these aren\'t
the ways you reverse the company\'s downward spiral. Problem is the people
with good sense aren\'t running the show and never will be in the position
to do so.
For the handful of people who actually ordered J-Day 2003, they got more
of the same slop the WWE has been churning out since WrestleMania went off
the air in March. To make matters worse though, almost everything and
everyone seemed out of step....except for Brock Lesnar, Eddie Guerrero and
the women in the Four-Way Match who managed to clock in lively appearances
which briefly awoke the otherwise comatose crowd.
Trish Stratus, Jackie, Jazz and Victoria kept up the high quality of the
recent women\'s matches in the WWE by orchestrating a frantic and fiery
Fatal Four-Way that was one of the better matches of the evening. Even
though Team Angle were obviously uneasy and at times totally befuddled to
be in the Ladder Match for the WWE Tag Team Championships, skilled veteran
Eddie Guerrero and his mystery partner Tajiri carried them through it. With
Tajiri \"injured\" on the outside, Guerrero pushed the match forth in a big
way on his own by providing some fantastic high spots such as a Frog Splash
and a powerbomb off the ladder. If there was an MVP of the horrid
pay-per-view, Guerrero would share that honour with Lesnar.
Without Lesnar\'s explosive energy, the main event Stretcher Match for
the WWE Championship would\'ve been a total washout. Consisting mostly of
Lesnar and The Big Show battering each other senseless with plastic
bodyboards and stretchers on wheels, the bout was just one big repetitive
brawl. Unlike the Stretcher Match between the legendary Andre The Giant and
Killer Kahn 17 years ago, the goal was put your opponent on a stretcher and
wheel them down the aisle and over a yellow line. As Lesnar got a bright
idea and headed to the back, Rey Mysterio popped out from under the ring to
619 Big Show in the bread basket. Big Show clotheslined Mysterio to the mat
while Lesnar drove a forklift to the ring. In the spot of the match, Lesnar
leapt off the forklift, over the ropes and bodysplashed Big Show. Upon
suplexing and giving Big Show a modified F5, Lesnar loaded Big Show onto a
bodyboard resting on the forklift, lifted him high into the air and
proceeded to drive him over the yellow line to retain the title.
The good news is the Lesnar - Big Show feud is seemingly over. The bad
news is that the one between WWE World Champion Triple H and Kevin Nash
isn\'t. In a bout nobody but the WWE brass wanted to witness, Triple H and
Nash were almost as bad together as the humiliating Mr. America versus
Roddy Piper match that ran right before them. You can bet your bottom
dollar that the placement of the HHH - Nash match on the card didn\'t happen
by coincidence either. Stephanie McMahon warned Triple H before his match
to \"be careful\" against Nash, obviously teasing that the two are going to
get back together on television to work towards an annoying wedding angle
to match their own real life plans. Greaat. That\'s EXACTLY what fans want
to see. Triple H and Stephanie equal ratings. Yeah, right.
Nash and HHH sleepwalked through this one hitting all the same, recycled
spots. HHH was overpowered for the most part, suffering slams, punches, big
boots and a thousand elbow smashes from Nash. The official took bump after
bump early on foretelling the transparent conclusion.
Failing to pin Nash following a miserable Pedigree, Triple H once again
pulled out the...you guessed it...trusty sledgehammer. Yep. Triple H\'s
matches are now as predictable as Hulk Hogan\'s. When the official stopped
HHH from using the sledgehammer, HHH hit him with it. Fed up with taking
the abuse, the ref disqualified Triple H at seven minutes and 58 seconds.
An irate Nash fought off Ric Flair, punched his friend Shawn Michaels and
then proceeded to Jack Knife Powerbomb Triple H through the Raw team\'s
announce table. Next up? How about Nash and HHH in a steel cage? Can you
stand the excitement? Yawn.
The next WWE pay-per-view is Bad Blood on June 15th.
Judgment Day 2003 Results
Co-GM \"Stone Cold\" Steve Austin announces that he will be taking in the
show from his own private skybox tonight. You know. He\'s gonna drink some
beers and embarrass Bischoff. You know. The same running gag he\'s been
doing for a month now.
John Cena, F.B.I. versus Rhyno, Spanky, Chris Benoit
At just under four minutes, why did they even bother? It is
deplorable that Chris Benoit is given about 20 seconds in the match to do
anything. He throws a couple of German Suplexes and that\'s it. F.B.I
clobbers Spanky with the Kiss Of Death. Spanky is assisted by Benoit and
Rhyno as he nurses a bloody and puffy eye.
Winners: ... F.B.I. and John Cena at 3 minutes and 55
seconds.
Match Rating: 1 / 10.
Eric Bischoff enters Austin\'s private box. Austin and Bischoff are off
tonight. They keep tripping over each other\'s words and phrases. It is just
a mess. Austin offers Bischoff a hot dog and a beer. Bischoff reluctantly
accepts.
Test, Scott Steiner versus La Resistance
The not-so Mega Powers explode. Whoopie! La Resistance sparks some
heat by ripping on the U.S. The U.S. government preaches hate against their
country. Yadda-yadda. The crowd reacts as you knew they would. All that\'s
missing is Hacksaw Duggan stamping his foot and clapping his hands. Test is
giving Steiner dirty looks throughout the match. Test accidentally collides
with Stacy knocking her off the apron. Steiner just so happens to be in
position to catch her in his arms. Test mistakenly kicks Steiner in the
chops. La Resistance hurls Test into a steel post and double face-slams
Steiner for the win. Stacy cradles a fallen Steiner. Test drags Stacy out
of the ring.
Winners: La Resistance at 6 minutes and 23 seconds.
Match Rating: 2 / 10.
Backstage, Mr. America runs into The Hurricane\'s secret identity -- the
nerdy reporter character. Hurricane grills America on really being Hulk
Hogan under the mask. Mr. America counters with he\'s heard that the
reporter dude is really The Hurricane. It is a draw and each retracts the
accusations. Eddie Guerrero reveals his partner to be Tajiri. Of course,
Tajiri\'s heritage plays into some more of that disparaging Japanese humour
by the WWE. At least there\'s no...choppy-choppy-your-pee-pee...to be heard.
For some unknown reason, a short bio on Kurt Angle plays.
Eddie Guerrero, Tajiri (challengers) versus Team Angle (champions)
(WWE Tag Team Championship - Ladder Match)
Great effort by Eddie Guerrero though there are many times Team Angle
doesn\'t exactly know what to do with the ladder or blows a planned spot.
Team Angle looked really uncomfortable in this gimmick match. As Sheldon
and Eddie battle on the ladder, Tajiri spits through the ladder spraying
his face with the green mist. This allows Eddie to snatch the tag
belts.
Winners: ... and new WWE Tag Team Champions...Eddie Guerrero and
Tajiri at 14 minutes and 19 seconds .
Match Rating: 7 / 10.
Austin gives Bischoff a burger and a beer. He mocks Bischoff over the
house mike for sipping and not gulping the brewski.
Only fascinating promo of the night has Piper interrupting Jericho\'s
interview about the Intercontinental Battle Royal. Jericho says Piper must
have taken a wrong turn and missed the seniors\' home. Piper blasts Jericho
for ripping off the Piper\'s Pit idea and drilling it into the ground.
Jericho brings up Piper tearing the \"fan\'s\" artificial leg off on
Smackdown! Jericho says if Piper feels brave enough there are some lepers
and midgets in the back he can thrash. Piper calls Jericho\'s birth an
accident. They agree to disagree and part company.
Battle Royal for the Intercontinental Title
For those who are clueless, the WWE runs a promo on the history of the
I.C. Title. This of course further accentuates the WWE\'s utter stupidity in
dissolving the title last year. Pat Patterson, the first Intercontinental
Champion brings down the belt to the ring. The WWE yacks about him winning
the title in a tournament held in 1979. The story is bogus. There was never
any tournament. Patterson was just given the title.
We learn that the Battle Royal is going to feature...get this...only
nine participants. Feel free to scoff at great length. I did. The
competitors are...the returning Val Venis...Jericho...Goldust...Lance
Storm...RVD...Christian...Test...Kane and Booker T. For all the build up,
the match is a joke and pared down to four people in less than two
minutes. Lance Storm is gone at 43 seconds. Everyone tosses Kane at 1:08.
Test goes at 1:50. Venis is out at 1:57. RVD is outta there at 2:06. Booker
tosses Goldie at 4:51. Y2J and Christian double-team Booker T. As Jericho
goes for a Lionsault, Christian shoves him over the top rope at 8:20.
Christian decks the ref. Booker pins Christian at 10:39...but there is no
official. The bell is rung. Booker is declared the winner. As Pat Patterson
prepares to give the belt to Booker, Christian pops him outside the ring
and takes the belt. Christian brains Booker with the belt and as the ref
awakes, he throws Booker over the top rope. Christian is your winner. For
all the hype, pomp and circumstance...a real letdown in every way.
Winner: ...and new WWE Intercontinental Champion...Christian at
11 minutes and 59 seconds.
Match Rating: 3 / 10.
Bikini Challenge
Torrie and Sable act like strippers bumping and grinding for fans. The
crowd picks the winner. Torrie is victorious once she doffs the bikini she
is wearing to expose the tinier one underneath. Just to show there is no
hard feelings, Torrie kisses Sable before she exits the ring. Yeah, that
makes sense.
Winner: Torrie.
More of that annoying Bischoff and Austin banter. Bischoff does a real
poor job of acting blitzed from all the beer Austin has been pushing on
him. Austin cons Bischoff into eating some hot peppers and washing them
down with juice from said peppers. Yuck. Yuck. Whatever. McMahon impresses
upon Piper how important it is that he defeat Mr. America so he can expose
him as...Hulk Hogan? No way. McMahon is tripping.
Roddy Piper versus Mr. America
One of the worst matches ever wrestled. Piper is really out of shape
and moves as if there is concrete in his veins. Mr. America is hobbling as
well. Missed spots galore and all of the pacing of a death match between a
tortoise and a snail. Zack Gowan (Tenuous Z) is in Mr. America\'s corner.
Mr. America briefly lifts off his mask to reveal his face to Piper as he
punishes him in a corner. Belts come into play as Mr. America and Piper
whip each other. Mr. America \"Hulks up\" out of a weak sleeper by Piper.
McMahon comes out and gives O\'Haire a steel pipe. Piper holds America for
O\'Haire. America ducks and O\'Haire clocks Piper instead. Big boot and a
pin. McMahon tried to break the count but Gowan stopped him.
Winner: Mr. America at 4 minutes and 54 seconds.
Match Rating: 0 / 10.
Triple H (champion) versus Kevin Nash (challenger) (WWE World
Heavyweight Title Match)
Winner: ...via disqualification at 7 minutes and 88 seconds...Kevin
Nash
Match Rating: 2 / 10.
Trish Stratus (challenger) versus Jazz (champion) versus Jackie
(challenger) versus Victoria (challenger) (WWE Women\'s World Heavyweight
Title Match)
Jazz DDTs Jackie for the win.
Winner: ...and still WWE World Women\'s Champion...Jazz at 4 minutes
and 48 seconds.
Match Rating: 6 / 10.
Austin mocks Bischoff for not being able to handle his booze. Bischoff
\"barfs\" (more like spits some beer) out the skybox window and all over some
fans seated below. Three replays are shown of the gag. Who says the WWE
product is repetitious?
Brock Lesnar (champion) versus Big Show (challenger) (WWE
Championship - Stretcher Match)
Winner: ...and still WWE Champion...Brock Lesnar at 15 minutes and
26 seconds.
Match Rating: 4 / 10.
Total Event Time: Two hours and 45 minutes.
Overall Event Rating: 2.5 / 10.
