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Smackdown!: Mr. America stymies McMahon
By DALE PLUMMER -- SLAM! Wrestling


Many questions will be answered tonight as we sift through the aftermath of Backlash. The biggest one of them all is: Who is Mr. America? We will find out tonight as Smackdown! comes to us on tape from Manchester, New Hampshire. Yes, for those of you out of the loop the past few years, Smackdown! is not live. It tapes on Tuesday nights.

 

Match #1: Los Guererros vs. Matt Hardy (v1.0) and Shannon Moore w/ Crash

Despite having the tag team titles, Eddie and Chavo are not the champions. If you missed Backlash, Team Angle retained the belts, but Los Guerorros stole them out from under their noses. Los Guerorros show good teamwork early in this match, with quick tags to constantly double-team Moore. Crash does turn the momentum hitting Eddie with Matt Hardy's new book from the ring apron. Eddie quickly regains momentum, only to have Moore break up the triple vertical suplexes.  Eddie then kicks out of a pinfall, after being hit with a dual Samoan drop/neck breaker. Chavo jumps up on the ring apron with the stolen title belt, and Hardy eats a mouthful of gold. With Hardy out cold, Eddie hits his patented frog splash and Los Guerreros pick up the win.

Winners: Los Guerreros

After the match Moore and Crash storm the ring but are easily dispatched. Team Angle then rushes to the ring, but Los Guerros hold them off with the stolen belts.

Before the break we see the locker room door of Mr. America.

Josh Matthews stops Stephanie McMahon outside of Mr. America's locker room. She tells him that Mr. America was signed "sight unseen." Hmm. signing a guy you have never seen, there's a good idea. Before Steph can pay a visit to the newest member of Smackdown! Team Angles stops her to demand that Los Guerreros give them their title belts back. Steph assures them that they will have their belts back tonight, but will have to defend in a ladder match at Judgment Day.

We get an update on Rey Misterio and then a recap of what happened to him at Backlash.

Steph is shown leaving Mr. America's locker room. She looks disturbed. Maybe signing this guy blindly wasn't such a good idea.

The Big Show makes his way to the ring. He is pretty upset that everyone is telling him to pick on someone his own size. It's a little hard since he's a giant and there isn't anyone his size, he explains. So tonight, he will pick a suitable opponent. I know the suspense is killing you, so the suitable opponent is - Funaki!

Match #2: Big Show vs. Funaki

I think I know how this match will go, so it's time to check the Flyers-Senators game. The Sens are losing. Man, I hate the Flyers. Back to the match, Show is throwing Funaki around like a rag doll. Out of ring he goes, and then back into the ring he is thrown. It isn't a total squash though. Funaki gets a little bit of offense in; I can't say the same for the Senators, unfortunately. Show picks Funaki up for a choke slam and holds him there. Has Show had a change of heart? He puts Funaki down, only to level him with a thunderous clothesline.  Show picks up the victory.

Winner: Big Show

Steph is in her office and she looks worried. One of the production assistants stops by to tell her that her father called, and he is one his way. Steph doesn't seem thrilled at all at this turn of events.

It's time to break things down thug-a-nomic style, as John Cena makes his way to the ring. Basically, Cena tells us he got robbed at Backlash. Brock Lesnar tapped out, when Cena had him in a headlock. Cena also scores some cheap heat by referencing the Red Sox 1986 World Series loss. Brian Kendrick interrupts the trip down memory lane to lay down some lyrics of his own. Dressed like Flava Flav, Kendrick is insisting that Cena call him "Spanky". "Spanky" ask Cena for a beat, and he gets a beat from referee Brian Hebner, who his at ringside. I was skeptical, but Hebner actually laid down a good beat for "Spanky" to rap over. Cena humors "Spanky" until he starts using Cena's head as a turntable to scratch on. Cena lays out "Spanky" with a viscous clothesline, and then hits him with a Death Valley Driver, that Tazz called "The F-U!". Honest, folks, I can't make this stuff up.

Backstage we see the FBI shooting dice. They tell a fan how they took out Undertaker and Nathan Jones, but now it's Chris Benoit's turn.

Match #3a: Chris Benoit vs. Johnny Stamboli with the FBI

Benoit is already in the hole when this match begins. The FBI always wins the numbers game. As expected Nunzio interferes, but isn't much of a factor. Benoit hits a big German suplex, and follows it up with a flying head butt from the top rope. Nunzio tries to interfer again, but Rhyno comes to Benoit's aide. Nunzio is knocked out cold by a gore from Rhyno. At this point, referee Brian Hebner decides to make this match a tag team affair.

Match #3b: Chris Benoit and Rhyno vs. Johnny Stamboli and Chuck Palumbo with Nunzio

WWE took a commercial break and we return to find Rhyno getting the tar beat out of him by Palumbo. Nunzio is still out cold at ringside. Benoit tags in and tries the rolling German on Palmubo, but he counters by grabbing the top rope. Benoit tries for a pin, and Rhyno gores Stamboli, who is trying to make the save. In the process the ref is taken out, briefly. That gives Nunzio enough time to interfere and Palumbo reverses Benoit, pinning him for a victory.

Winner: Johnny Stamboli and Chuck Palumbo

Steph is out in the parking lot, desperately trying to get a hold of her father. She leaves a voicemail telling him just to meet her at the hotel and they can grab some dinner. A vehicle pulls up, but it's not Vince, it's Brock Lesnar. Steph asks him why he came; after all she gave him the night off. Lesnar says he has some business that needs his attention.

A video tribute to the career of Kurt Angle runs. It ends by saying he will be returning in a few weeks.

Here comes the pain! Brock Lesnar makes his way to ring, and he has something on his mind. But first, he gives props to Cena for their match at Backlash, saying Cena gave him one hell of a fight. Lesnar is looking for another fight, though. He calls out Big Show, calling him gutless for his actions at the PPV. Lesnar won't stand for the Big Show's bullying. Show enters and stays at the top of the ramp, saying Misterio had it coming. Lesnar wants a piece of Show, but the giant won't fight unless the belt is on the line. Lesnar agrees to put the title up. Show accepts the offer, but Funaki really wore him out, so the match won't take place tonight.

Match #4: Team Angle vs. John Walters and Eric Stevens

JOBBER ALERT! JOBBER ALERT! Jobbers have been spotted on Smackdown! I didn't think they existed anymore. Team Angle takes care of business. Then they get on the mikes and demand that their tag team title belts be returned. Los Guerreros make their way to the ring and oblige with the request. Charlie Haas holds hi belt up high, telling Los Guerreros that they will never touch these belts again. Chavo doesn't seem to care, as he replies that he and his uncle are Olympic gold medallists. He then holds up Kurt Angles' gold members that he stole off the picture frame the Team Angle brought to the ring before the match. Team Angle can't believe what has happened.

Winner: Team Angle

Backstage Torrie Wilson is stretching, until Sable interrupts her. Torrie is pretty upset that Sable lied to Stacy Keibler at Backlash regarding her involvement with Test. Sable replies that they can be great partners if Torrie just plays with her. (Make your own joke, not touching that one). If she doesn't, she can expect more of what happened last week, when Dawn Marie and Nidia beat her down.

Match #5:  Torrie Wilson and Sable vs. Nidia and Dawn Marie w/ Jamie Noble

Dawn Marie and Nidia jump Torrie as Sable makes her way to the ring. Sable doesn't look real fired up to wrestle tonight. In fact she refuses to tag in with Torrie in trouble. She just head back up the ramp, allowing Dawn Marie to slap on a pretty pathetic looking half-crab. Torrie taps out quickly. What does it say about Noble that he is only on the show to escort his girlfriend to the ring.

Winner: Nidia and Dawn Marie

Steph is still outside trying to get in touch with her father. It's too late, as Vince's limo pulls up. Steph tries to talk him into leaving, but Vince is here to see the newest member of Smackdown! Mr. America!

Piper's Pit is closing the show tonight and has Sean O'Haire in tow, again. Piper starts off by taking a shot at Chris Jericho, who took a shot at him last week. This makes no sense, two heels, on different shows, taking jabs at each other, when the hard roster split is imminent. Whatever. Piper announces his guest tonight is Mr. America. Hulk Hogan's "Real American" music hits and a masked man with blond hair and mustache, draped in red, white, and blue strides to the ring. I'm speechless. Not only did this guy steal Hogan's music, but he stole all his moves and mannerisms, too! Once in the ring Piper accuses Mr. America of being Hulk Hogan. I don't see it. Mr. America says that is the most ridiculous he ever heard, brother. Oh man, he even pilfered Hogan's catchphrases. Mr. America is freedom, justice, and liberty for all.

Vince McMahon comes to the ring, and he looks mad. He says he suspended Hogan and how dare he return. Apparently, Vince thinks Mr. America is Hogan, too, I'm still not seeing it. Vince wants Hogan at home, so Hulkamania will rot away. He says he will send Hogan home with a great American institution, a lawsuit, for breach of contract.

Mr. America replies that it sounds like Vince is suffering some brain damage. It stems from getting his butt kicked at Wrestlemania by Hogan. This guy then tells Vince that all his American-maniacs will back him up that he is Mr. America, not Hulk Hogan.

Vince comes to his senses and finally realizes that Hogan is at home watching this all unfold on television with the rest of us. And since Mr. America is under contract with WWE, Vince can fire him. Not so fast, though, Mr. America says he signed with Stephanie McMahon. His contract stipulates that he cannot be fired or suspended, and that he is here to stay, brother.

Vince then has another memory lapse and decides it really is Hogan under the mask. He'll prove it, by ripping it off. I'm telling you Hogan is at home! Mr. America tells Vince to hold on. He asks him, "Whatcha gonna do when the 24-inch patriots wun wild on you?" Mr. America then lays out Piper, only to be grabbed from behind by O'Haire. Mr. America breaks free before Vince has a chance to rip off the mask.

Mr. America makes his way back up the ramp, waving Old Glory the whole time. God Bless America!

Dale Plummer is a rookie on the Slam! Wrestling staff.  Dale does wonder if Hulk Hogan will file gimmick infringement papers against Mr. America. He is a blatant rip-off of Hulk Hogan.