He loves me, he loves me not

KATHRYN HUMPHREY -- For Sun Media

, Last Updated: 7:09 AM ET

Her microphone was never on. She knows it.

Becks knows it.

Even Sporty Spice knows it.

Victoria Beckham's microphone was never on when she performed. At least that's what I'm gonna tell David Beckham when at last we meet on Sunday here in Toronto.

My love for Beckham is an unnatural one. I've stated publicly that I'd drink his bathwater with a bendy straw, or boil his boxers to make tea. Real love frightens people so.

Why do I want to bend him like Beckham?

Well, before I congratulate myself on my ability to understate, the dude is hot. Plus, Becks' inability to grasp simple math is intoxicating. "I've had 14 bookings this season, eight of which were my fault, but seven of which were disputed." Adorable.

So, how did Soccer Spice end up with Posh Spice? Even he seemed confused when he admitted: "I always used to go for blondes and quiet girls, but Victoria is the total opposite -- dark and loud."

Why not Baby Spice, All Spice or Scary Spice? I suppose Scary Spice was too busy procreating with Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy had sex with a woman. It sounds so silly when you say it out loud.

Sure, I've heard people bad-mouth Becks. They say he is frail. Admittedly, he never goes very high in the soccer fantasy pools.

Some call him the Anna Kournikova of soccer. Did she actually own a tennis racquet? They claim he is not very bright, noting he once said about his son: "We're definitely going to get Brooklyn christened, but we don't know into which religion."

Oh, David, just shut up and hold me.

Hell, even Pele, arguably the greatest soccer player to ever play the game said: "David Beckham is more of a pop star than a player."

The cynics point to the fact he blew it for England at the World Cup in 1998. But let's be honest. Even when hanging in effigy, he's bloody gorgeous.

There are several women who claim to have been bent by Beckham. Rebecca Loos, his former personal assistant, claimed to have had an affair with the soccer star in 2004, then went on to pose in Playboy.

That same year, there was another model and a beautician with similar stories.

Now here is the thing. Rebecca Loos is a glamour model and aspiring actress who went on to star in such productions as Celebrity Detox and Gender Swap. A glamour model as a personal assistant? No alarm bells, Victoria?

Perhaps Posh wasn't in on the decison-making process.

I suppose when you're David Robert Joseph Beckham and you're that good looking, you don't want to be limited to just one woman. He wants to share his gift of beauty with the world.

We don't know if he is showing up to play on Sunday, but we do know most of the women won't be showing up for the soccer.

If you're a Toronto FC fan, you're hoping David Beckham doesn't play on Sunday. It's pretty difficult to defend a man on the soccer pitch when you're lost in his eyes.


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