December 18, 2008
All I want for Christmas.. for the sports fan
By SUN MEDIA
From us to you, the Sun's wish list for the holidays. All I want for Christmas is:
- a no-trade clause ... with an opt-out.
- to root around under the cushions in CC Sabathia's chesterfield. Gotta be a spare $100G in there.
- a bobblehead doll that bears even a tiny resemblance to the athlete it is supposed to be depicting.
- to be Brian Burke's real estate agent.
- for every pro athlete making in excess of $1 million to have a food bank donation clause.
- a rotten tomato to throw at A.J. Burnett in his first game back in Toronto.
- a job for everybody in these tough times. Yes, that includes you, Mats Sundin.
- one of Sam Mitchell's suits.
- for someone to explain why the Raptors are going to be on a TV channel for much of the second half of the season that 80% of Torontonians don't get.
- to have the foresight to know that the TSX would drop as fast as Sean Avery's value with the Dallas Stars.
- for Jamario Moon and Anthony Parker to realize that they won't get killed by taking the ball to the hoop.
- an MLS team that doesn't need a surveyor's map to find the back of the net.
- a get well card for the Argos, not to mention a head coach with a clue.
- for the Leafs to come up with a realistic slogan. Instead of "The Passion That Unites Us All," and "Spirit Is Everything" how about "End This Mediocrity Now."
- for Tomas Kaberle and Jose Calderon to start shooting.
- for a player who checks an opponent from behind into the boards to be suspended for longer than a guy who insults his ex-girlfriend.
- for there to be no such thing as a hangover.
- for the NHL to realize that one win should be worth more than two losses in overtime.
- for the Raptors to get a backup point guard not named Solomon or Ukic.
- for Ryan Hollweg to win a fight.
- to have Chuck Swirsky back. Sorry Matt Devlin.
- a return call from Shania Twain, we're tired of playing hard to get.
- less poker on TV.
- a pension that doesn't lose 40% of its worth.
- for the NHL to stop the propaganda about attendance being improved.
- for Gary Bettman to finally understand his league's future rests in this country and to stop spewing that unbelievable nonsense about how every NHL market -- yes we're talking about you Atlanta, Tampa, Miami -- is on solid ground. It's just not true.
- for the electric car to finally get here. And make it affordable.
- tickets to Sean Avery's first game in the ECHL.
- one more shutout for Curtis Joseph.
- an economic stimulus package that actually benefits the average taxpayer.
- another NHL team in Ontario.
- fewer Montreal Canadiens in the all-star game.
- ninth place in the East for the Leafs.
- Chinese Democracy ... oh, wait.
- for the NFL to have a 52-week season. Love that fantasy football.
- if I'm Brian Burke, to furrow my brow and tell the world what's on in my mind.
- for Alex Rios to stop day dreaming during baseball games. Wake up and realize some of your potential.
- for the Blue Jays to finally end the charade and end the J.P. Ricciardi era.
- for politicians to start working in the interests of their constituents and not their own or their party's. Just one politician would be nice.
- an end to this GTA Pan Am Games bid nonsense. It makes little sense in a good economic climate. It makes no sense right now.
- more thoughtful athletes like Jermaine O'Neal and fewer like Sean Avery.
- reality TV to realize it no longer is anyone's reality and die a quick death.
- 24 blissful hours when not one media person utters or writes the words "Maple" and "Leaf" for a minute -- heck, we'll settle for 10 seconds.
- for the 2009 Blue Jays to be like the 2008 Rays.
- for Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens to man-up and admit their wrongdoings.
- access to Professor Peabody's WABAC Machine for a trip back to 1970. Any game Bobby Orr played will do.
- to lock Dion Phaneuf in a room with Sean Avery and, you know, see what happens.
- for Carlo Colaicovo, a voodoo doll of Ron Wilson and a pin in the butt.
- for HD PVRs to become more affordable.
- is a crying towel for J.P. Ricciardi.
- for Blue Jays fans to realize just how special a pitcher Roy Halladay is.
- for NFL team in Toronto that's not the Buffalo Bills.