Less fighting in sports? Might as well jump

KATHRYN HUMPHREYS

, Last Updated: 7:49 AM ET

If it's okay to fight in hockey, why not in every sport?

Open it up. Brouhahas across the board, baby.

Curling certainly could use a good dust-up. Glen Howard and Brad Gushue drop the brooms and go at it.

In the history of the NBA, there really has been only one or two solid punches thrown. They'd have to work on that. An increase in slapping and crying could be detrimental. I'm talking to you, Marcus Camby.

Violence sells. What does the UFC have that everybody wants? Six packs in Speedos? Yes, silly, but besides that. The coveted 18- to 35-year-old male demographic. They're the ones with the raging hormones that older men want to be, girls want to emulate and parents fear.

Fighting could revive dying and outdated sports. Bowling could actually be acknowledged as a sport. Bowlers and bad comb-overs become bearable when they are duking it out in wrist guards and rented shoes. Lacrosse is so close. I mean, the fundamentals of the game are penalties in any other sport. Change the ball to a Ninja throwing star, and you've got gold.

You see, maybe Tie is right and we're all wrong. Why not apply the hockey fight to our everyday lives?

I'm shopping around a show right now called Hockey Dads Gone Wild and, let me tell you, there is a buzz.

Speaking of buzz "Doobie leaves Leafs jonesing for the playoffs" should have been Monday's headline.

Anyways, back to Tie trying to cope on the outside: If we can't resolve an issue at the office, why not push aside some desks and let the pocket protectors fly?

It would give "battle of the bands" a whole new meaning. If David Lee Roth had used one of his effeminate "might as well jump" high kicks to Eddie Van Halen's head, maybe we wouldn't have had to suffer through Sammy Hagar. The Gallagher brothers, Noel and Liam, punched and kicked Oasis to the top.

What if fighting replaced the shootout in the NHL? I haven't known Andrew Raycroft that long, but I am guessing he has a lot of pent-up rage. The quiet ones always do.

If he had to fight his way through a shootout, we'd be gearing up for Round 1 of the Eastern Conference playoffs right now. Alex Steen, who has never fought with so much as an unruly skate lace, loved the idea, saying I "should bring it up with the league."

I think that, despite some lacklustre performances and a mediocre record, our Leafs should be in the playoffs. How else is Darcy Tucker supposed to realize he's loved?

It certainly would have softened the blow for Mats Sundin who recently realized he has male pattern baldness. Tomas Kaberle would have had more time to remember where he parked his car. And most importantly, Kyle Wellwood has feelings.

Do you not think that John Ferguson Jr. rues the day Bryan Colangelo breezed into town and showed the company what a competent manager can do?

They have the same boss. That must be one uncomfortable office party.

Whenever they show that shot of him in the private box at a Leafs game, it always looks as if JFJ has barred the door for fear that Colangelo might come in and take away his crayons.


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