You think I’m making this up?
Check out the Taiwanese website nma.tv/.
Like pretty well every other major media outlet on the planet, nma.tv/ reported on last week’s Vancouver hockey riot. And while most of the international reports put Vancouver, and Canada, in a bad light (thank you very much idiotic Canucks fans), the nma.tv/ report takes it to another level.
It’s funny AND informative.
It teaches Canadians things we didn’t know about ourselves, such as ... apparently we’re all white.
But the wildest thing about the nma.tv/ report is that it’s animated. There’s nothing better than Asian animation.
The video starts off with a split screen of a guy in a Canucks jersey throwing a Molotov cocktail at a riot cop and a giant Canucks emblem. The narrator, speaking Mandarin (with English subtitles) begins with: “Anarchy in the B.C. as Canucks fans riot.”
She goes on to say: “Canadians are known for being polite while Vancouver is famous for being a beautiful city.”
At this point, there’s an image of three people standing in front of a bus shelter, swaying, surrounded by birds and butterflies.
You know, a typical scene anywhere in Canada.
And then, for some inexplicit reason, the guy in the middle, who’s wearing a T-shirt with the red Maple Leaf, gets slapped in the face.
But he smiles and points to the other side of his face, meaning, I can only guess, that Canadians are famous for turning the other cheek.
The video then cuts to the same three people sitting on a couch, watching a hockey game, and the narrator says: “But there is a dark side — hockey.”
At which point, the guy who only smiled when he got slapped in the face, looks towards the camera and snarls, and his eyes turn a horrifying red.
Yikes. Apparently when Canadians watch hockey, we turn into wild, snarling beasts. Or, at least, Vancouver Canucks fans do.
Toronto Maple Leafs fans weep.
The report continues with the narrator saying: “Hockey has long been a way for Canadians to release their pent-up anger.” The scene shows three guys, again wearing T-shirts with the red Maple Leaf, attacking a Mountie on his horse, and the Mountie goes flying — without even getting hit! Not exactly a ringing endorsement for the RCMP.
But there you go. For years, hockey has given us a way to release our pent-up anger. Apparently we have a lot of pent-up anger, probably because of all those wheat fields and all that fresh water.
Makes you just want to scream.
The report then cuts to scenes of rioting and the narrator says: “Some packed gas masks to the Stanley Cup finals between the Canucks and the Boston Bruins. And when the Canucks lost 4-0 some fans began a four-hour orgy of rioting and looting.”
There’s nothing like a four-hour orgy ... unless it’s a four-hour orgy of rioting and looting. Then it’s not so great.
At this point in the report, they show fans rioting AND dancing. And it’s a really cool dance, like a combination New Wave bop and Woodstock folk sway. Apparently that’s how we Canadians dance when we riot. We may be hippest rioters in the world.
“As the fans ran amok,” the narrator continues, “they paused to pose for photos and to perform stunts”, and there’s an animated version of that now-famous couple making out amidst the rioting.
And here’s where the report really gets good.
“The next day,” the narrator says, “Canadians were out on the streets again cleaning up the mess.”
It shows a girl waking up one of the no-good rioters and scolding him. She then orders the dude to start cleaning up. And he does.
“Peace and order prevails again in Canada,” the narrator continues, “until the next hockey game.”
And then a chill runs down your spine, because you know the NHL season starts in only three months.
And, by the way, the nma.tv/ weather report is the best weather report anywhere in the world, ever, without a doubt.
Just saying.
steve.buffery@sunmedia.ca
twitter @beezersun
